bad news on week nights
I forgot what sunrise felt like
sleeping through weekends
barely speaking to my friends
just drifting drifting drifting through the rooms
sitting and singing songs I used to
feel some connection with
before I fell into this
disinterest and tired life
these weak wings aren’t lifting anything
flightless and foul
goddamn I got down
when’s the step that lifts me up again?
how many stairwells do I have to run up
before my breathing is steady
and I feel ready
to shoot for the fucking moon
instead of wallowing in old saloons
drinking shit I don’t even want
and forgetting why I hadn’t forgot
all those precious moments
memories overloaded
with bad times and good eyes
tired smiles and love lives
that didn’t really come to be
can I please
go back to the night when I sat at your house
‘til 4 in the morning
without a doubt
that I should have stayed
the whole night
the next day
why
fucking dammit
did I leave?
--
fist to the wall
it’s as close as I get
to punching myself
as hard as I can
and as much as I deserve
it doesn’t even seem to hurt
these days may break
these bones may creak
these days may hurt
these hands hardly work
but it’ll be just fine
oh it’ll be all right
never surprised
never wide awake
holding on to tomorrow
forever ignoring today
fist to the wall
forgetting it all
used to think with my heart
used to follow my soul
pretended I was affectionate
not hardened and cold
why try to be warm anymore
if I’m not parking at your door?
why stop driving at all
why stop driving at all
why stop driving at all
why stop driving at all
fist to the wall
why stop driving at all
there’s nowhere to go
if I can’t call you home
why stop driving at all?
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
10/27/2010
I’ll drag it through the city
let the weight break through the street
pull up the concrete
expose the sewers
let the stench infect
let the senses connect
this hideous vision of a societal dream
the perfect balance of despair and defeat
countries gone to shit
maybe I’ll photograph it
drag this heavy lense along
and capture every wrong
make a bill
off scenes that could kill
if we weren’t so detached and distracted
the world is dying
we don’t see a thing
‘cept green
trying to make a profit off any and every thing
--
who needs skin when the moon is high
who needs lips when the breeze is cool
when the sun set looks just right
when the grass is always greener when you’re sitting on it
who needs touch when the skies are clear
who needs love when the world is up
don’t bring me down
don’t bring me down
don’t
bring me
down
let the weight break through the street
pull up the concrete
expose the sewers
let the stench infect
let the senses connect
this hideous vision of a societal dream
the perfect balance of despair and defeat
countries gone to shit
maybe I’ll photograph it
drag this heavy lense along
and capture every wrong
make a bill
off scenes that could kill
if we weren’t so detached and distracted
the world is dying
we don’t see a thing
‘cept green
trying to make a profit off any and every thing
--
who needs skin when the moon is high
who needs lips when the breeze is cool
when the sun set looks just right
when the grass is always greener when you’re sitting on it
who needs touch when the skies are clear
who needs love when the world is up
don’t bring me down
don’t bring me down
don’t
bring me
down
10/18/2010
this air is cool enough to eat
I can taste these days
and they pass through me
like a cool wind
or a warm breeze
altered perception of temperament
I knew the heat so well
and it up and left
so this winter wind is bound to sit
ill at ease in me
let the cold take hold
these eyes grow wide
frozen open and rising to the sky
let it precipitate
I’ll wait
for this skin to get thick and rock solid
I’ll hide in
this form of a man that I am
this mess of a boy I represent
this illogical codger on the side of the road
that hates the heat and loves the cold
can I go
back to the old way of living
watching my breath leave my lips
and loving the taste of it
this heat
it does nothing for me
--
you
are a mess
and I wish
I could be
disheveled
with you
I can taste these days
and they pass through me
like a cool wind
or a warm breeze
altered perception of temperament
I knew the heat so well
and it up and left
so this winter wind is bound to sit
ill at ease in me
let the cold take hold
these eyes grow wide
frozen open and rising to the sky
let it precipitate
I’ll wait
for this skin to get thick and rock solid
I’ll hide in
this form of a man that I am
this mess of a boy I represent
this illogical codger on the side of the road
that hates the heat and loves the cold
can I go
back to the old way of living
watching my breath leave my lips
and loving the taste of it
this heat
it does nothing for me
--
you
are a mess
and I wish
I could be
disheveled
with you
Thursday, October 14, 2010
9/29/2010
I’m here because you’re not
I’m here because it’s a lot
to take in
to give in
to accept and not regret
to learn from it
to not spit in the face of the fakes I once loved
to not sit with this anger on my tongue
swallow these foul words and weak breaths
I guess
there’s bound to be a solution in these evenings
there’s bound to be a reason in leaving
I’m seeing seasons as the same old transition
hot to cold and I keep living
with a heart on the shelf and a desperate pull to yell
at the top of my mother fucking lungs
don’t dare stare
don’t point or speak out
you don’t know
what I’m thinking about
never have and never will
so kill
every empty think you thought of me
I don’t need
your judgmental eyes and minds
I’ll live this life outside
it’s safer that way
living away
from all you fucking fakes
--
can I slip in next to you tonight?
there’s an awful sound outside
there’s a scent that lingers in these dark rooms
I’m trying to remember you
and forget everyone else
hide this past in your fresh skin
quell these memories with your scent and heat
try to awake without a thought
I want
to follow my lust for once
forget yesterday and tomorrow
swallow today whole
let’s go
down these dark, dark roads
let’s forget our moral codes
let’s go
down these dark, dark roads
I’m here because it’s a lot
to take in
to give in
to accept and not regret
to learn from it
to not spit in the face of the fakes I once loved
to not sit with this anger on my tongue
swallow these foul words and weak breaths
I guess
there’s bound to be a solution in these evenings
there’s bound to be a reason in leaving
I’m seeing seasons as the same old transition
hot to cold and I keep living
with a heart on the shelf and a desperate pull to yell
at the top of my mother fucking lungs
don’t dare stare
don’t point or speak out
you don’t know
what I’m thinking about
never have and never will
so kill
every empty think you thought of me
I don’t need
your judgmental eyes and minds
I’ll live this life outside
it’s safer that way
living away
from all you fucking fakes
--
can I slip in next to you tonight?
there’s an awful sound outside
there’s a scent that lingers in these dark rooms
I’m trying to remember you
and forget everyone else
hide this past in your fresh skin
quell these memories with your scent and heat
try to awake without a thought
I want
to follow my lust for once
forget yesterday and tomorrow
swallow today whole
let’s go
down these dark, dark roads
let’s forget our moral codes
let’s go
down these dark, dark roads
9/21/2010
darkened shades and
grainy days
my voice is falling short of
what I really want to say
these arms aren’t long enough
to reach up
for what I want
and it’s all on me to be
something more than what I am
it’s all on me to cause
some change in these strange days
I’ve got to push those empty nights
away
I’ve got to walk through the door
some day
some day soon
I’m not going to waste away
waiting for you
darkened shades and
grainy days
I’ll chase these
black and white evenings
and get back to seeing
life in a brighter light
grainy days
my voice is falling short of
what I really want to say
these arms aren’t long enough
to reach up
for what I want
and it’s all on me to be
something more than what I am
it’s all on me to cause
some change in these strange days
I’ve got to push those empty nights
away
I’ve got to walk through the door
some day
some day soon
I’m not going to waste away
waiting for you
darkened shades and
grainy days
I’ll chase these
black and white evenings
and get back to seeing
life in a brighter light
9/2/2010
I woke up and I broke out
and I’m never going back
swore to the high heavens
that I wouldn’t live with that
that hurt that pull that missing link
that strain that makes a weak man drink
that loss that turns the world to black
I’ll stick with the light
yeah I’m never going back
I remember feeling better away
in a passenger seat on a pitch black street
ghostly highways filled my days
my nights were spent with stars
I wrote my notes on whatever I could
and wanted to be as far
as far from normal as a young blood could be
yeah that’s me
always searching for a reason to leave
yeah that’s me
focused on the haves and the lacks
used to be me
yeah I’m never going back
I’ll work these fingers to the bone
‘til I remember just what it’s like
to go to bed with an empty head
and a body too heavy to rise
feeling like I was fighting an army all day
feeling like something needs to fucking change
because if I keep working my life away
I just may go out of my brain
these evenings that leave me beaten to death
with a voice in my head and the world at my back
taking each breath with a hollowed out chest
yeah I’m never going back
I don’t need you like I used to
oh I don’t need you at all
so if you want to take it back
oh if you want to take it back
yeah if you want to take it back
yeah I’m never going back
and I’m never going back
swore to the high heavens
that I wouldn’t live with that
that hurt that pull that missing link
that strain that makes a weak man drink
that loss that turns the world to black
I’ll stick with the light
yeah I’m never going back
I remember feeling better away
in a passenger seat on a pitch black street
ghostly highways filled my days
my nights were spent with stars
I wrote my notes on whatever I could
and wanted to be as far
as far from normal as a young blood could be
yeah that’s me
always searching for a reason to leave
yeah that’s me
focused on the haves and the lacks
used to be me
yeah I’m never going back
I’ll work these fingers to the bone
‘til I remember just what it’s like
to go to bed with an empty head
and a body too heavy to rise
feeling like I was fighting an army all day
feeling like something needs to fucking change
because if I keep working my life away
I just may go out of my brain
these evenings that leave me beaten to death
with a voice in my head and the world at my back
taking each breath with a hollowed out chest
yeah I’m never going back
I don’t need you like I used to
oh I don’t need you at all
so if you want to take it back
oh if you want to take it back
yeah if you want to take it back
yeah I’m never going back
Monday, August 9, 2010
8/8/2010
what happened to baltimore?
used to be these streets were free
now I’m paying every which way
slept in cars and drove so far
in circles around this town
just to find a simpler time
when friends and family weren’t a mystery
when it was all so clearly defined
when it was yours
when it was mine
remember when baltimore was still alive?
long enough to not feel loved
close enough to forget her touch
but there’s still a voice in this head
and I want to turn this clock back
keep the age but change the times
keep the cash but change the shifts
keep the mind but change the soul
remember when we knew where to go?
these streets are a mess these weeks
lost in thought on cracked sidewalks
too many tired or strained thoughts and talks
let’s all
forget the shit that’s been said
forget the drinks we could have
throw those toxins to the wind
let’s be
something old
go back to the days
when all we needed was a reason
to walk out the front door
and we’d walk out the front door
we don’t do that anymore
used to be these streets were free
now I’m paying every which way
slept in cars and drove so far
in circles around this town
just to find a simpler time
when friends and family weren’t a mystery
when it was all so clearly defined
when it was yours
when it was mine
remember when baltimore was still alive?
long enough to not feel loved
close enough to forget her touch
but there’s still a voice in this head
and I want to turn this clock back
keep the age but change the times
keep the cash but change the shifts
keep the mind but change the soul
remember when we knew where to go?
these streets are a mess these weeks
lost in thought on cracked sidewalks
too many tired or strained thoughts and talks
let’s all
forget the shit that’s been said
forget the drinks we could have
throw those toxins to the wind
let’s be
something old
go back to the days
when all we needed was a reason
to walk out the front door
and we’d walk out the front door
we don’t do that anymore
8/5/2010
still swinging at walls and shelves
when I’m feeling ill
when I’m feeling well
still burning and churning and turning
at every mention of the evenings
I spent wide awake
willing to wait
but never ready enough
for the break
still sick of rain and sunshine
still sick of living outside
still hiding under covers all day and night
I wonder when I’ll be alive enough to speak
tell your friends you want to be
on your own for a couple of weeks
I bet they won’t listen
I bet they come bangin’
at your old front door
I told my friends the bear minimum
and it maximized my alone time
work all day
skate all night
sleep until I feel
all right
drive this car too far
but I’ll always make it back
no matter how long it takes me
I know how strong it’ll make me
sang a song of sickness
a pocket full of lies
I trusted someone
believed in someone
and they pushed me aside
look me in the eyes
and tell me what you want
I’ll watch that mouth run dry
cause you’re still fucking lost
searching for something you won’t get
because if you try to find it
it won’t happen
it won’t happen
you can’t force it to exist
so cleverly defined in your mind
love isn’t just a look and find
it’s a fucking struggle
and you’re not able
to say a word
to keep it close
when was the last time you went home
with an honest smile behind those eyes
there’s an emptiness
in your heart
every night
good night.
--
I’m not in the mood to step outside
but I’m in no mood tonight
for this bed of mine
let’s sit on this floor
this stained carpet needs attention
and it could keep us up all night
I’m drunk and fucking angry
and who knows who you are tonight
just another face to push aside
in the morning
I’ll make breakfast
I’ll make small talk
and then I’ll walk
until I forget
where I was and who I was with
why do I always forget
that I’m not really into this?
these sweat soaked sheets and short breaths
these awkward nights of unrest
I used to think there was release
in skin to skin and being free
and now I’m starting to see
it’s nothing but
body heat
I’m going cold.
when I’m feeling ill
when I’m feeling well
still burning and churning and turning
at every mention of the evenings
I spent wide awake
willing to wait
but never ready enough
for the break
still sick of rain and sunshine
still sick of living outside
still hiding under covers all day and night
I wonder when I’ll be alive enough to speak
tell your friends you want to be
on your own for a couple of weeks
I bet they won’t listen
I bet they come bangin’
at your old front door
I told my friends the bear minimum
and it maximized my alone time
work all day
skate all night
sleep until I feel
all right
drive this car too far
but I’ll always make it back
no matter how long it takes me
I know how strong it’ll make me
sang a song of sickness
a pocket full of lies
I trusted someone
believed in someone
and they pushed me aside
look me in the eyes
and tell me what you want
I’ll watch that mouth run dry
cause you’re still fucking lost
searching for something you won’t get
because if you try to find it
it won’t happen
it won’t happen
you can’t force it to exist
so cleverly defined in your mind
love isn’t just a look and find
it’s a fucking struggle
and you’re not able
to say a word
to keep it close
when was the last time you went home
with an honest smile behind those eyes
there’s an emptiness
in your heart
every night
good night.
--
I’m not in the mood to step outside
but I’m in no mood tonight
for this bed of mine
let’s sit on this floor
this stained carpet needs attention
and it could keep us up all night
I’m drunk and fucking angry
and who knows who you are tonight
just another face to push aside
in the morning
I’ll make breakfast
I’ll make small talk
and then I’ll walk
until I forget
where I was and who I was with
why do I always forget
that I’m not really into this?
these sweat soaked sheets and short breaths
these awkward nights of unrest
I used to think there was release
in skin to skin and being free
and now I’m starting to see
it’s nothing but
body heat
I’m going cold.
Friday, July 30, 2010
7/30/2010
it finally occurred to me
that we’re not doing this right
been apart for up to a month
still breaking every other night
I guess it’s not the words fault
I guess it isn’t yours or mine
let’s take the blame and place it
on time
I’ll see you eventually
when I don’t see you every morning
cause when I open these eyes
you’re the first face on my mind
this shit isn’t easy
but we’ve dealt with this before and
I need to forget the weight of your lips
on my hand the first night we re-met
it’s not good bye
it’s wait it out
I’m filled with indecision
and you're so sick of living
with guilt and pity for me
I wrote too much to ever touch
on how I feel tonight
so let’s just let this lie
so let’s just let this die
I’ll see you when you’re never on my mind
good morning empty head
let’s get out of this bed
there’s other faces to find
so many ways to waste our time
good night to you my dear
I’ll see you in a year
or however long it takes
to make
you and me
not feel like we
we’ll talk when the feeling is gone
that we’re not doing this right
been apart for up to a month
still breaking every other night
I guess it’s not the words fault
I guess it isn’t yours or mine
let’s take the blame and place it
on time
I’ll see you eventually
when I don’t see you every morning
cause when I open these eyes
you’re the first face on my mind
this shit isn’t easy
but we’ve dealt with this before and
I need to forget the weight of your lips
on my hand the first night we re-met
it’s not good bye
it’s wait it out
I’m filled with indecision
and you're so sick of living
with guilt and pity for me
I wrote too much to ever touch
on how I feel tonight
so let’s just let this lie
so let’s just let this die
I’ll see you when you’re never on my mind
good morning empty head
let’s get out of this bed
there’s other faces to find
so many ways to waste our time
good night to you my dear
I’ll see you in a year
or however long it takes
to make
you and me
not feel like we
we’ll talk when the feeling is gone
Saturday, July 24, 2010
7/15/2010
I wrote a song to fit your smile
but all you do these days is stare
sit to the side and wonder where
oh where could that happy ending be
something must be eluding me
cause I just can’t see the confusion
the horizon
the skies are shinin’
and I’d be lyin’
if I said I don’t enjoy this
I live for this
disinterest and disgust
this feeling keeps me reelin’
it’s just
more fuel for the fire
so come on and take me higher
tear this heart apart my darlin’
tear me limb from limb
tear out this soul and send me home
I’ll keep sing-singin’
watch this town fall down and frown
I’ll keep dancing along the streets
watch the world light up and burn
I’ll never fall to my knees
see me in the mirror
making faces at myself
cause it’s all I got these days
well
except this life of mine
and the friends I find
and the job I work
and this feelin’ hurt
and this feelin’ free
so eager to be
astounded and ousted by you
whatever the fuck you want to do
I’ll take it all
baby I’ll be your bed sheets
I’ll be your comforter
I’ll wrap you up for slumber
and keep you warm at night
baby, I’ll be your pillow
that you beat when you can’t sleep
fluff until it’s enough
and you’re ready to drift off
baby, I’ll be those old shoes
with holes and broken soles
walk along me for days and weeks
and lose me in the sea
baby, I’ll be your bracelet
hiding your tattoos
hiding the real you
from folks afraid of the truth
baby, I’ll be your wind shield
covered in rain and debris
wiped clean twice a month
quickly filthied back up
baby, I’ll be that madness
that drives you up the walls
that keeps you up at night
that tears through to sunrise
baby, I’ll be anything
anything at all
as long as you get off your ass
and give me a fucking call
--
rosetta, don’t you see me
in the middle of the street
this song trailing off my tongue
carried to the buildings - to the sun
rosetta, what’s the story
why try to deny what could be so fine
there’s a world outside this room
and there’s a door to be walked through
rosetta, this song is so old and decayed
I felt something for you that I threw away
I forgot about feeling and affection and trust
and just... I just... I just...
rosetta, don’t let it
don’t let it all pass
through the window
through the mirror
through any surface of glass
rosetta, don’t let it
don’t let it fall through your hands
there’s something worth holding
if you give it the chance
rosetta, do you hear me
shouting to the highest peaks
there’s something that needs to be said
if you would only listen to me
rosetta, let it happen
let it happen on it’s own
and I swear before you know it
we’ll call this house our home
but all you do these days is stare
sit to the side and wonder where
oh where could that happy ending be
something must be eluding me
cause I just can’t see the confusion
the horizon
the skies are shinin’
and I’d be lyin’
if I said I don’t enjoy this
I live for this
disinterest and disgust
this feeling keeps me reelin’
it’s just
more fuel for the fire
so come on and take me higher
tear this heart apart my darlin’
tear me limb from limb
tear out this soul and send me home
I’ll keep sing-singin’
watch this town fall down and frown
I’ll keep dancing along the streets
watch the world light up and burn
I’ll never fall to my knees
see me in the mirror
making faces at myself
cause it’s all I got these days
well
except this life of mine
and the friends I find
and the job I work
and this feelin’ hurt
and this feelin’ free
so eager to be
astounded and ousted by you
whatever the fuck you want to do
I’ll take it all
baby I’ll be your bed sheets
I’ll be your comforter
I’ll wrap you up for slumber
and keep you warm at night
baby, I’ll be your pillow
that you beat when you can’t sleep
fluff until it’s enough
and you’re ready to drift off
baby, I’ll be those old shoes
with holes and broken soles
walk along me for days and weeks
and lose me in the sea
baby, I’ll be your bracelet
hiding your tattoos
hiding the real you
from folks afraid of the truth
baby, I’ll be your wind shield
covered in rain and debris
wiped clean twice a month
quickly filthied back up
baby, I’ll be that madness
that drives you up the walls
that keeps you up at night
that tears through to sunrise
baby, I’ll be anything
anything at all
as long as you get off your ass
and give me a fucking call
--
rosetta, don’t you see me
in the middle of the street
this song trailing off my tongue
carried to the buildings - to the sun
rosetta, what’s the story
why try to deny what could be so fine
there’s a world outside this room
and there’s a door to be walked through
rosetta, this song is so old and decayed
I felt something for you that I threw away
I forgot about feeling and affection and trust
and just... I just... I just...
rosetta, don’t let it
don’t let it all pass
through the window
through the mirror
through any surface of glass
rosetta, don’t let it
don’t let it fall through your hands
there’s something worth holding
if you give it the chance
rosetta, do you hear me
shouting to the highest peaks
there’s something that needs to be said
if you would only listen to me
rosetta, let it happen
let it happen on it’s own
and I swear before you know it
we’ll call this house our home
7/8/2010
guess I’m not the first young blood to find
it gets harder to sleep at night
when you forget the weight that sat
on the edge of the bed in the morning
when you forget the weight that laid
by your side until sunrise
guess I’m not the first young blood to see
there’s a greener tint to everything
when you used to see the world with two sets
of effervescent eyes
walking the streets with harmonious feet
and swinging interlaced fingers and hands
guess I’m not the first young blood to get
to push themselves to somehow forget
that feeling of waking with a goal in mind
that burning in the morning to make a life
to get that home, that family, that wife
to make something of themselves
guess I’m still the same young blood
searching for a reason to believe
there’s more to this town
to the people around
to the jobs that I work
to that feelin’ of hurt
to driving and walking and bein’
here
where I’m always somewhere
other in my mind
maybe I’m just trying to find
that place to call my home
thought I’d found it in you
and now this young blood don’t know
this young blood just don’t know
it gets harder to sleep at night
when you forget the weight that sat
on the edge of the bed in the morning
when you forget the weight that laid
by your side until sunrise
guess I’m not the first young blood to see
there’s a greener tint to everything
when you used to see the world with two sets
of effervescent eyes
walking the streets with harmonious feet
and swinging interlaced fingers and hands
guess I’m not the first young blood to get
to push themselves to somehow forget
that feeling of waking with a goal in mind
that burning in the morning to make a life
to get that home, that family, that wife
to make something of themselves
guess I’m still the same young blood
searching for a reason to believe
there’s more to this town
to the people around
to the jobs that I work
to that feelin’ of hurt
to driving and walking and bein’
here
where I’m always somewhere
other in my mind
maybe I’m just trying to find
that place to call my home
thought I’d found it in you
and now this young blood don’t know
this young blood just don’t know
7/5/2010
sometimes
you wake up on the side of the road
in a town you can’t say you know
thought these streets were home
but sometimes
these sidewalks are so cold
sometimes
this sun beats down so hard
and sometimes
there’s an ache in your heart
sometimes
there’s an ache in your heart
you take what you can and stress over things
that never seemed important until
you knew they were leaving
the evenings
are worth waiting through to find
there’s still one more sunrise
if you wait out the whole night
there’s still that one sunrise
to push through if you feel it
if you feel it falling apart
if you feel like that heart
is fallin’ apart
sometimes
you wake up on the passenger side
and wonder how long you slept
sometimes
you wake up with her by your side
and wonder where the hell she’s been
sometimes
you wake up alone and find
you’re not surprised
sometimes
that feelings sinks in
that feeling of waking
for nothing
--
I’ve got silence on tap
and a song in my throat
let’s see which one
is drowned out
you wake up on the side of the road
in a town you can’t say you know
thought these streets were home
but sometimes
these sidewalks are so cold
sometimes
this sun beats down so hard
and sometimes
there’s an ache in your heart
sometimes
there’s an ache in your heart
you take what you can and stress over things
that never seemed important until
you knew they were leaving
the evenings
are worth waiting through to find
there’s still one more sunrise
if you wait out the whole night
there’s still that one sunrise
to push through if you feel it
if you feel it falling apart
if you feel like that heart
is fallin’ apart
sometimes
you wake up on the passenger side
and wonder how long you slept
sometimes
you wake up with her by your side
and wonder where the hell she’s been
sometimes
you wake up alone and find
you’re not surprised
sometimes
that feelings sinks in
that feeling of waking
for nothing
--
I’ve got silence on tap
and a song in my throat
let’s see which one
is drowned out
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
6/17/2010
drove myself home last night
well before first mornings light
because this town and people around
build me up and beat me down
nothing seems to fit these feet
these ankles creek and these heels bleed
walking until I just can’t see
why I left my home and street
I wrote a song to sing to you
to put to words what I have learned
from crawling around these city sidewalks
to clawing these walls and hiding heated talks
drunk enough to not give a fuck
but I’ll be sober up soon enough
and the fucks will creep back up
I want to be someone I can trust
no more keys and cars and stars
ignitions and evenings of driving too far
burning my gas because I hate my past
nothing gets solved from not looking back
taking these feet to this shitty concrete
I’ll walk until these weak words seem complete
I’ll empty my savings and make my own way
everyday is just another day
stuck in this city this county this hole
this wicked existence that I call my home
these wide awake mornings and tired twilights
these extensive evenings and wild midnights
stuck in this feeling of being fucking stuck
when there’s so many means to leave
stuck in this feeling of wanting so much
when I already have what I need
I’m fuckin’ stuck.
well before first mornings light
because this town and people around
build me up and beat me down
nothing seems to fit these feet
these ankles creek and these heels bleed
walking until I just can’t see
why I left my home and street
I wrote a song to sing to you
to put to words what I have learned
from crawling around these city sidewalks
to clawing these walls and hiding heated talks
drunk enough to not give a fuck
but I’ll be sober up soon enough
and the fucks will creep back up
I want to be someone I can trust
no more keys and cars and stars
ignitions and evenings of driving too far
burning my gas because I hate my past
nothing gets solved from not looking back
taking these feet to this shitty concrete
I’ll walk until these weak words seem complete
I’ll empty my savings and make my own way
everyday is just another day
stuck in this city this county this hole
this wicked existence that I call my home
these wide awake mornings and tired twilights
these extensive evenings and wild midnights
stuck in this feeling of being fucking stuck
when there’s so many means to leave
stuck in this feeling of wanting so much
when I already have what I need
I’m fuckin’ stuck.
5/9/2010
this this is this is this feels
this feels like two years before
staring at sunsets and back doors
remembering what I felt lonely for
used to beat my head against the wall
broke my thumb when I took the fall
fell for you so hard
climbed out so damn fast
forgot what it felt like
when it felt like something could last
kissed your kissed your kissed your hand
kissed your neck
felt your skin
felt something more hiding in
the words we spilt on rain soaked streets
the rendezvous we didn’t keep
because we chose to get back in touch
and touch was more than just
an excuse to make a move
while being something old
it felt like something new
could I borrow more time from you?
it doesn’t turn me blue
sometimes these eyes shine a bright light green
sometimes there’s a red tint to everything
and sometimes your sunglasses match
the eyes I’m looking with
I couldn’t look at you in a better light
I might
be feeling something old
maybe something new
could I borrow more time from you?
it doesn’t turn me blue
this feels like two years before
staring at sunsets and back doors
remembering what I felt lonely for
used to beat my head against the wall
broke my thumb when I took the fall
fell for you so hard
climbed out so damn fast
forgot what it felt like
when it felt like something could last
kissed your kissed your kissed your hand
kissed your neck
felt your skin
felt something more hiding in
the words we spilt on rain soaked streets
the rendezvous we didn’t keep
because we chose to get back in touch
and touch was more than just
an excuse to make a move
while being something old
it felt like something new
could I borrow more time from you?
it doesn’t turn me blue
sometimes these eyes shine a bright light green
sometimes there’s a red tint to everything
and sometimes your sunglasses match
the eyes I’m looking with
I couldn’t look at you in a better light
I might
be feeling something old
maybe something new
could I borrow more time from you?
it doesn’t turn me blue
5/5/2010
sit in the sea
buried up to my knees
with a mouth wide and loud
collecting salt and debris
sit in the sea
watch it turn from blue to green
to black
let it sink into my skin
I want to feel it
I want to know how it feels
--
I’ll paste your face around this town
to remind me why I stick around
on the off chance that you’ll come down
and waste more days with me
I’ll hold these feet on this concrete
I won’t hit the road
I won’t drive or flee
I’ll take this town and tear it down
build a home where we can be
what’s the word?
I’ll capture every second glance
as you walk across the street to leave
the wave of those hips
the flick of those wrists
I’ll grit my teeth and click the shutter
and shudder
as I crawl back to bed
and crawl
as I go about these days
awaiting the day
you come back to me
or ask me to come back to thee
I’ll hit this road until I don’t know
what pushed me to drive so slow
to take in every sight line
to marvel at every sunrise
to spend my time
finding time
to spend with someone else
it’ll be the most natural feeling
I’ve ever felt
scheduling my life around someone else's life
scheduling their life around mine
until we find
our lives
is our life
--
too many hours and too many miles
too many times that have been pushed aside
in hopes of being filled
but they always turn out spilled
cover this canvas in wasted minutes
seconds that were better left uncounted
pile up these weeks and months
archive these lives and find
spending too many nights on the road
spending too many weeks under sheets
spending too much of our money on gas
only to wrap ourselves up and pass
out
these nights and days
these weeks we wait
to end
these nights and days
these weekends we wait
to begin
these nights these nights
always on the road
whether headed to you
or headed back home
I find this mind of mine can’t hold
these eyes of mine opened or closed
half wide/half shut
I’m trying to give up
the struggle to see straight ahead
I’ll get some shut eye
with or without you
in bed.
--
I give up to sleep
wrapping its arms around me
kissing me on the cheek
and singing a lullaby.
goodnight.
buried up to my knees
with a mouth wide and loud
collecting salt and debris
sit in the sea
watch it turn from blue to green
to black
let it sink into my skin
I want to feel it
I want to know how it feels
--
I’ll paste your face around this town
to remind me why I stick around
on the off chance that you’ll come down
and waste more days with me
I’ll hold these feet on this concrete
I won’t hit the road
I won’t drive or flee
I’ll take this town and tear it down
build a home where we can be
what’s the word?
I’ll capture every second glance
as you walk across the street to leave
the wave of those hips
the flick of those wrists
I’ll grit my teeth and click the shutter
and shudder
as I crawl back to bed
and crawl
as I go about these days
awaiting the day
you come back to me
or ask me to come back to thee
I’ll hit this road until I don’t know
what pushed me to drive so slow
to take in every sight line
to marvel at every sunrise
to spend my time
finding time
to spend with someone else
it’ll be the most natural feeling
I’ve ever felt
scheduling my life around someone else's life
scheduling their life around mine
until we find
our lives
is our life
--
too many hours and too many miles
too many times that have been pushed aside
in hopes of being filled
but they always turn out spilled
cover this canvas in wasted minutes
seconds that were better left uncounted
pile up these weeks and months
archive these lives and find
spending too many nights on the road
spending too many weeks under sheets
spending too much of our money on gas
only to wrap ourselves up and pass
out
these nights and days
these weeks we wait
to end
these nights and days
these weekends we wait
to begin
these nights these nights
always on the road
whether headed to you
or headed back home
I find this mind of mine can’t hold
these eyes of mine opened or closed
half wide/half shut
I’m trying to give up
the struggle to see straight ahead
I’ll get some shut eye
with or without you
in bed.
--
I give up to sleep
wrapping its arms around me
kissing me on the cheek
and singing a lullaby.
goodnight.
4/28/2010
can this be something we do?
lay in bed until half past two
once the summer is too hot to bear
wait for the winter
to throw us some cold air
then hide inside all the time
taking comfort in the warmth of wrapped arms
covered heads and methodic chests
breathe in and out and out and in
can this be something we do?
wait for the days to pass themselves
let the seasons seem like less
of a hindrance on our moods
more a reason to get up and move
take these wheels to somewhere new
somewhere hot or frozen through
whichever we’re feeling better
whichever looks better
whichever
can this be something we do?
lay in bed until half past two
once the summer is too hot to bear
wait for the winter
to throw us some cold air
then hide inside all the time
taking comfort in the warmth of wrapped arms
covered heads and methodic chests
breathe in and out and out and in
can this be something we do?
wait for the days to pass themselves
let the seasons seem like less
of a hindrance on our moods
more a reason to get up and move
take these wheels to somewhere new
somewhere hot or frozen through
whichever we’re feeling better
whichever looks better
whichever
can this be something we do?
4/23/2010
I’m tired of lack of trust
this feeling in my heart
it’s just
it’s just too much
or not enough
I don’t know the proper way to say
how to measure
scale out and proportion
this version of myself isn’t well
it’s not ill but it isn’t sitting straight
tilting and hunched over
I know
once upon a colder time
when the wind stung my lips
and my eyes were watering
when my cheeks were taught and my jaw was clenched
when my hair was long and my skin was thin
when I crossed a campus well before the sun
when I left the feeling of feeling alone
reveled in the morning
no mourning solitude
I was proud of myself
I used to
be proud of myself.
--
tired all the time
I’m tired of this mind
focused on the colder winds
or the sunburn over the shining
nothing seems to fit on me
I hold this soul at arms length
nothing seems to be touching me
unless you’re within reach
I swallowed and I followed
pretending I was fine
I hunted and I wanted
pretending I was fine
I remember feeling better
I remember being fine
before this winter led to this spring
and I felt a fucking feeling
I’m still reeling
and I can’t seem to catch myself
I’ll trip and slip and rush through this
life that lies ahead
find a city that can cradle me
not fill me with disease
and fucking dread
this feeling in my heart
it’s just
it’s just too much
or not enough
I don’t know the proper way to say
how to measure
scale out and proportion
this version of myself isn’t well
it’s not ill but it isn’t sitting straight
tilting and hunched over
I know
once upon a colder time
when the wind stung my lips
and my eyes were watering
when my cheeks were taught and my jaw was clenched
when my hair was long and my skin was thin
when I crossed a campus well before the sun
when I left the feeling of feeling alone
reveled in the morning
no mourning solitude
I was proud of myself
I used to
be proud of myself.
--
tired all the time
I’m tired of this mind
focused on the colder winds
or the sunburn over the shining
nothing seems to fit on me
I hold this soul at arms length
nothing seems to be touching me
unless you’re within reach
I swallowed and I followed
pretending I was fine
I hunted and I wanted
pretending I was fine
I remember feeling better
I remember being fine
before this winter led to this spring
and I felt a fucking feeling
I’m still reeling
and I can’t seem to catch myself
I’ll trip and slip and rush through this
life that lies ahead
find a city that can cradle me
not fill me with disease
and fucking dread
Thursday, April 22, 2010
4/22/2010
standing with my feet
stuffed soundly past my teeth
pushing ever further
until my throat meets my knees
holding on to words you’ve heard
but have you really heard a word?
I’ve written these lines so many times
I’ve tried to define what’s on my mind
I’ve looked you in your shiftless eyes
delving shoveling in to find
the proper way to say
please listen to me
you deserve
you have earned
you’ve fought and wrought and your skin is taught
you’ve toiled and tilled
damn near fucking killed
yourself
for somebody else
cut them off
it cannot be helped
--
too much grey to see my face
reflected in the mirror view
driving away
driving away
from you
another night spent on someone else’s time
cradling and abating someone else’s mind
putting fists through words that I shouldn’t say
as they drift through the cold
to your sullen face
I’m tired of looking at those bright wide eyes
and seeing a dim flickering light
there should be a flame burning straight through me
not a cold sinking into your soul
what I want to say to you
what I want to do for you
however I can try to prove
something that can’t be said
put your hand
in my hand
and rest that weighted head
you don’t
deserve
this hurt
this pain
this dread.
--
I lied when I lied in your arms last night
and said I’d be fine as I drove 695
to this bed that I just
can’t feel comfortable in
unless I duck under the covers
and nestle up to your skin
there’s a wicked sort of feeling
when I’m driving through the gray
I can’t see the street in front of me
just all my past mistakes
and I wallow in this feeling
of feeling like I don’t belong
on the path that’s set ahead of me
see these one way streets seem wrong
can I wake and relay
how it feels to finally say
there’s a feeling in my chest
I’ve never felt before today
it’s a burning and a churning
and it leaves me fucking cold
to the world that spins around
whenever you are not around
is this love or is it strain
am I falling or in pain
who can tell me how it feels
to be feeling something real
is this heartache an attack
I keep checking over my back
hoping that I’ll find you
but knowing I’m not going to
can I keep you?
stuffed soundly past my teeth
pushing ever further
until my throat meets my knees
holding on to words you’ve heard
but have you really heard a word?
I’ve written these lines so many times
I’ve tried to define what’s on my mind
I’ve looked you in your shiftless eyes
delving shoveling in to find
the proper way to say
please listen to me
you deserve
you have earned
you’ve fought and wrought and your skin is taught
you’ve toiled and tilled
damn near fucking killed
yourself
for somebody else
cut them off
it cannot be helped
--
too much grey to see my face
reflected in the mirror view
driving away
driving away
from you
another night spent on someone else’s time
cradling and abating someone else’s mind
putting fists through words that I shouldn’t say
as they drift through the cold
to your sullen face
I’m tired of looking at those bright wide eyes
and seeing a dim flickering light
there should be a flame burning straight through me
not a cold sinking into your soul
what I want to say to you
what I want to do for you
however I can try to prove
something that can’t be said
put your hand
in my hand
and rest that weighted head
you don’t
deserve
this hurt
this pain
this dread.
--
I lied when I lied in your arms last night
and said I’d be fine as I drove 695
to this bed that I just
can’t feel comfortable in
unless I duck under the covers
and nestle up to your skin
there’s a wicked sort of feeling
when I’m driving through the gray
I can’t see the street in front of me
just all my past mistakes
and I wallow in this feeling
of feeling like I don’t belong
on the path that’s set ahead of me
see these one way streets seem wrong
can I wake and relay
how it feels to finally say
there’s a feeling in my chest
I’ve never felt before today
it’s a burning and a churning
and it leaves me fucking cold
to the world that spins around
whenever you are not around
is this love or is it strain
am I falling or in pain
who can tell me how it feels
to be feeling something real
is this heartache an attack
I keep checking over my back
hoping that I’ll find you
but knowing I’m not going to
can I keep you?
Monday, March 29, 2010
3/29/2010
I wrote a song to fit your smile
I sat in the cold for a little while
let the shivering take hold
I did everything I’d been told
and left myself out of the equation
just a sleeping situation
where I’d rather be tangled with you
unable to fit quite right
so we stay wide awake all night
kissing each others cheeks and necks
a peck on the lips
like a kiss of death
kills the conversation
we drift into a sedation
that doesn’t last for long
and this bedtime tango goes on
and on and on until you’re gone
sometimes you just can’t hide
the world will creep inside
you’ll search for the proper time
to say what’s on your mind
but nothing seems to fit
no words can work for this
but my skin to your skin
hands and arms and minds entwined
under covers in a dull morning light
I just might
miss you more than I intend to
I might have
kissed you more than I was meant to
but it might
it might not be all too bad.
I sat in the cold for a little while
let the shivering take hold
I did everything I’d been told
and left myself out of the equation
just a sleeping situation
where I’d rather be tangled with you
unable to fit quite right
so we stay wide awake all night
kissing each others cheeks and necks
a peck on the lips
like a kiss of death
kills the conversation
we drift into a sedation
that doesn’t last for long
and this bedtime tango goes on
and on and on until you’re gone
sometimes you just can’t hide
the world will creep inside
you’ll search for the proper time
to say what’s on your mind
but nothing seems to fit
no words can work for this
but my skin to your skin
hands and arms and minds entwined
under covers in a dull morning light
I just might
miss you more than I intend to
I might have
kissed you more than I was meant to
but it might
it might not be all too bad.
3/22/2010
can’t find the words to fit the verse
the way to properly relay
how I feel these days
I know I love you and I miss you
and I wish you all the best
but I want you to come back and lay
your head upon my chest
breathe out and in and out again
whisper a soft goodnight
weave a dream in bed with me
and wake with the sunrise
crawl around this tired house
and creak these weak old boards
lace our fingers arms and legs
hide from the world indoors
who needs these weeks of anxious feet
these nights so tossed and turned
I’d rather wake to someone I can’t face
than face one more night alone
hold me like you know me
though you never cared to learn
I’m willing to ignore the fact
if you’re willing to come back
come back to bed.
the way to properly relay
how I feel these days
I know I love you and I miss you
and I wish you all the best
but I want you to come back and lay
your head upon my chest
breathe out and in and out again
whisper a soft goodnight
weave a dream in bed with me
and wake with the sunrise
crawl around this tired house
and creak these weak old boards
lace our fingers arms and legs
hide from the world indoors
who needs these weeks of anxious feet
these nights so tossed and turned
I’d rather wake to someone I can’t face
than face one more night alone
hold me like you know me
though you never cared to learn
I’m willing to ignore the fact
if you’re willing to come back
come back to bed.
3/17/2010
stuck with thinking on dying
these days I’ve been minding
my own business
for the past two weeks
everything else around me
seems
trivial
fuck it all
I know the world won’t stop this month
the sun will shine and the rain will come
I’ll sleep too late or rise and shine
and spend my time on someone else’s time
I’ll sleep too late or rise and shine
pretend I’m better
pretend it’s fine
swallow that lump in my throat
never let the dissent show
the anger at whatever is sitting above
dragging away the people we love
as soon as we realize
how big an influence on our lives
they’ve been
sometimes I look outside
feeling the burn of freshly blurred eyes
swallow my sense of pride
and let out a shaky sigh
and I wonder
how do you say goodbye
--
lay in bed with my head to your head
my chin drifting into the curve of your neck
my lips grazing against that cheek as you speak
a bedtime story to me
once upon a time before we’d officially met
some guy who did something to mess with your head
you grew and you learned not to fall for that shit
now you stay closed and won’t let anyone in
so here we lay with fingers laced
arms entangled and legs locked tight
lips to lips for a goodnight kiss
but we’re distant and constantly concerned
this is how you sleep sound when you’re hurt
holding each other so tight
but sleeping alone every night
good night. good night.
these days I’ve been minding
my own business
for the past two weeks
everything else around me
seems
trivial
fuck it all
I know the world won’t stop this month
the sun will shine and the rain will come
I’ll sleep too late or rise and shine
and spend my time on someone else’s time
I’ll sleep too late or rise and shine
pretend I’m better
pretend it’s fine
swallow that lump in my throat
never let the dissent show
the anger at whatever is sitting above
dragging away the people we love
as soon as we realize
how big an influence on our lives
they’ve been
sometimes I look outside
feeling the burn of freshly blurred eyes
swallow my sense of pride
and let out a shaky sigh
and I wonder
how do you say goodbye
--
lay in bed with my head to your head
my chin drifting into the curve of your neck
my lips grazing against that cheek as you speak
a bedtime story to me
once upon a time before we’d officially met
some guy who did something to mess with your head
you grew and you learned not to fall for that shit
now you stay closed and won’t let anyone in
so here we lay with fingers laced
arms entangled and legs locked tight
lips to lips for a goodnight kiss
but we’re distant and constantly concerned
this is how you sleep sound when you’re hurt
holding each other so tight
but sleeping alone every night
good night. good night.
Monday, March 8, 2010
3/7/2010
you keep telling me that
it’s not your fault
and you know oh you know
you’ve done nothing wrong
and you sleep on your own
and you sleep so at ease
or you sleep in his arms
and think nothing of me
it’s just waking that gets me
I’m taking this quickly
I won’t go I won’t go
slow
I’m not taking it easy
I’m taking this with me
I won’t go I won’t go
home
I’m hitting the road
it’s not to forget
it’s to let it
let it go
I’ve drive until I don’t know why
or how to get back home
I’ll drive myself fucking crazy
I’ve done it before
and I’ll do it again
I’m dead-fucking-sure
there’s got to be something
some right word to say
to spit at your face
as I’m leaving this space
raise one finger high
and show me how you feel
no need for words tonight
the gestures much more real
raise one finger high
and show me how you feel
no need for words tonight
the gestures much more real
raise one finger high
and show me how you feel
no need for words tonight
the gestures much more real
raise one finger high
I’ll show you how I feel
no need for words tonight
no need for words tonight
no need for words tonight
no need for words tonight...
it’s not your fault
and you know oh you know
you’ve done nothing wrong
and you sleep on your own
and you sleep so at ease
or you sleep in his arms
and think nothing of me
it’s just waking that gets me
I’m taking this quickly
I won’t go I won’t go
slow
I’m not taking it easy
I’m taking this with me
I won’t go I won’t go
home
I’m hitting the road
it’s not to forget
it’s to let it
let it go
I’ve drive until I don’t know why
or how to get back home
I’ll drive myself fucking crazy
I’ve done it before
and I’ll do it again
I’m dead-fucking-sure
there’s got to be something
some right word to say
to spit at your face
as I’m leaving this space
raise one finger high
and show me how you feel
no need for words tonight
the gestures much more real
raise one finger high
and show me how you feel
no need for words tonight
the gestures much more real
raise one finger high
and show me how you feel
no need for words tonight
the gestures much more real
raise one finger high
I’ll show you how I feel
no need for words tonight
no need for words tonight
no need for words tonight
no need for words tonight...
Saturday, February 27, 2010
2/27/2010
last night I was told what I can and can’t feel
divining from my mind what’s real or not real
I sat in a room with a clear view of you
turning those eyes to anyone who
could keep you from turning to
me
sitting without limbs to hold onto
just a torso at a bar with a drink
no eyes to hide because the skull was gone
no mouth to shut off or tongue to bite on
no fingers to point or legs for escape
I was caught and I couldn’t do a goddamn thing
last night I was told what I can and can’t feel
I choose to feel nothing until it feels real
I’ll sit silent and livid until the fire is dead
I sit and keep drinking until this weight leaves my head
I’ll float through these rooms and ignore what feels true
and anything false, I’ll embrace and misuse
last night last night
in the back of my mind
sitting and singing until I could find
a time when this life was irrevocably mine
and I wasn’t living on someone else’ time
last night last night last night last night
I’ll feel however the hell I like
divining from my mind what’s real or not real
I sat in a room with a clear view of you
turning those eyes to anyone who
could keep you from turning to
me
sitting without limbs to hold onto
just a torso at a bar with a drink
no eyes to hide because the skull was gone
no mouth to shut off or tongue to bite on
no fingers to point or legs for escape
I was caught and I couldn’t do a goddamn thing
last night I was told what I can and can’t feel
I choose to feel nothing until it feels real
I’ll sit silent and livid until the fire is dead
I sit and keep drinking until this weight leaves my head
I’ll float through these rooms and ignore what feels true
and anything false, I’ll embrace and misuse
last night last night
in the back of my mind
sitting and singing until I could find
a time when this life was irrevocably mine
and I wasn’t living on someone else’ time
last night last night last night last night
I’ll feel however the hell I like
Saturday, February 20, 2010
2/20/2010
there’s a face that’s on my mind
no angry eyes this time
no sickened grin to hide from
not a damn thing wrong with this one
you and I
let’s drive to the beach
when the weeks get too stretched
when the nights feel like shit
let’s escape from it
take these wheels to the interstate
cover the distance and try to relay
what’s feeling good
and maybe find
nothing feels wrong
for once in this life
I’ve got cash on hand and a smile to boot
times or tough but something new
makes the world less weighted
I’m not sitting and debating
I’m just saying
stay around for awhile
for now
and see
--
sing a song of longing
for a time when life was fine
just fine
not tearing the roof off the motherfucker
not beating us down like no other
let’s sit and bitch about everyone else
sit and get it off our chests
wonder under the weight of friends
fairweather and distant and put to rest
let’s get it all out of our systems
bask in the glow of letting go
sleep at ease
me next to you - you next to me
wake up bright in the morning
ready and reeling
to fight for this feeling
this feeling I’m not letting go
no angry eyes this time
no sickened grin to hide from
not a damn thing wrong with this one
you and I
let’s drive to the beach
when the weeks get too stretched
when the nights feel like shit
let’s escape from it
take these wheels to the interstate
cover the distance and try to relay
what’s feeling good
and maybe find
nothing feels wrong
for once in this life
I’ve got cash on hand and a smile to boot
times or tough but something new
makes the world less weighted
I’m not sitting and debating
I’m just saying
stay around for awhile
for now
and see
--
sing a song of longing
for a time when life was fine
just fine
not tearing the roof off the motherfucker
not beating us down like no other
let’s sit and bitch about everyone else
sit and get it off our chests
wonder under the weight of friends
fairweather and distant and put to rest
let’s get it all out of our systems
bask in the glow of letting go
sleep at ease
me next to you - you next to me
wake up bright in the morning
ready and reeling
to fight for this feeling
this feeling I’m not letting go
Thursday, February 18, 2010
2/18/2010
waking up with a heart that departs
stops every time I try to talk
walks out the room the second you walk in
because it’s easier to be feeling nothing
sitting on the ground pouring whatever’s in me
out
sitting and spitting lines into the sand
hoping the ocean erases them
take a second to breathe
and wonder about a week
so distant it may not have happened
find the resolve
to stand and walk
head to the ocean
head first and frozen
and cross to the other side
find myself a new life
in a country where there’s nothing for me
in a place so far from what I know
in a room with a view of a mountain or two
in the back of my mind where I built this new life
maybe I’ll be free of you
and you and you and you too
one day I’ll see my face
in the cracking surface of a frozen lake
with no ghosts by my side
just my eyes meeting my eyes
hard blue
and free of you
--
what do you know
what have you been through
what do you know
what can you do
this sense this feeling on my fucking chest
hands on the wall as I’m breathing in
forehead inching closer
because I'm losing the will to wait
and I’m losing the strength
to carry the weight
of every little thought I think
fist to the wall
and I’m not feeling anything
I’m standing here silent with a violent tongue
holding back the words I so desperately want
to scream at the top of my lungs
if you’re going to take me
take me whole
quit whittling me away every time I’m alone
don’t set me in the wild
with nothing but my brains
to keep this mind from trailing off
to fucking keep me sane
crawling along the surface
desperate to get to my feet
but something
fucking everything
is getting down on me
how do you fight off that feeling of loss
when the thing that you’re losing isn’t even gone
slowly but surely leaving you behind
how do you accept the dehiscence of a life
how do you fucking do it
how do you say goodbye
how do you fucking do it
how do you say goodbye
stops every time I try to talk
walks out the room the second you walk in
because it’s easier to be feeling nothing
sitting on the ground pouring whatever’s in me
out
sitting and spitting lines into the sand
hoping the ocean erases them
take a second to breathe
and wonder about a week
so distant it may not have happened
find the resolve
to stand and walk
head to the ocean
head first and frozen
and cross to the other side
find myself a new life
in a country where there’s nothing for me
in a place so far from what I know
in a room with a view of a mountain or two
in the back of my mind where I built this new life
maybe I’ll be free of you
and you and you and you too
one day I’ll see my face
in the cracking surface of a frozen lake
with no ghosts by my side
just my eyes meeting my eyes
hard blue
and free of you
--
what do you know
what have you been through
what do you know
what can you do
this sense this feeling on my fucking chest
hands on the wall as I’m breathing in
forehead inching closer
because I'm losing the will to wait
and I’m losing the strength
to carry the weight
of every little thought I think
fist to the wall
and I’m not feeling anything
I’m standing here silent with a violent tongue
holding back the words I so desperately want
to scream at the top of my lungs
if you’re going to take me
take me whole
quit whittling me away every time I’m alone
don’t set me in the wild
with nothing but my brains
to keep this mind from trailing off
to fucking keep me sane
crawling along the surface
desperate to get to my feet
but something
fucking everything
is getting down on me
how do you fight off that feeling of loss
when the thing that you’re losing isn’t even gone
slowly but surely leaving you behind
how do you accept the dehiscence of a life
how do you fucking do it
how do you say goodbye
how do you fucking do it
how do you say goodbye
Sunday, January 3, 2010
1/1/2010
I’m so tired of you
fingers to those lips
holding back some grin
always hiding something
deep under your breath
buried in your chest
words you never let
get
out
here’s a song to sing a long
here’s a song to miss someone
while listening to
while you croon to the moon
while you bask under the sun
while you blame everyone
for how you need to get away
from
everyone
here’s a little something I’ve been meaning to say
here’s a note too high for anyone to play
I wanted so damn bad
to spit back in your face
every little broken promise
you were too eager to break
I don’t know why I’m still surprised
I don’t know why it’s still alive
that feeling of delight
when you pass before my eyes
or pop into my mind
or keep me up at night
I don’t know why the hell I try
to keep you in my life
I don’t know why the hell I try
to be near you all the time
I don’t know why the hell I try
I don’t know why
I don’t know why.
fingers to those lips
holding back some grin
always hiding something
deep under your breath
buried in your chest
words you never let
get
out
here’s a song to sing a long
here’s a song to miss someone
while listening to
while you croon to the moon
while you bask under the sun
while you blame everyone
for how you need to get away
from
everyone
here’s a little something I’ve been meaning to say
here’s a note too high for anyone to play
I wanted so damn bad
to spit back in your face
every little broken promise
you were too eager to break
I don’t know why I’m still surprised
I don’t know why it’s still alive
that feeling of delight
when you pass before my eyes
or pop into my mind
or keep me up at night
I don’t know why the hell I try
to keep you in my life
I don’t know why the hell I try
to be near you all the time
I don’t know why the hell I try
I don’t know why
I don’t know why.
11/30/2009 pt. 2
hold it down and smile
hold it down and grin
hold down what’s better left to the wind
hold down the heat the defeat the unrest
hold down that weight
keep it in your chest
pound your fist on the walls every chance you get
re-break that hand if you get too stretched
too worn thin and broken wide open
where everyone can see what’s behind those teeth
those awful ugly words you keep
waiting for the chance to go home
and be released when you’re stewing alone
re-break your hand and hide in
that need to be whole again
re-break the bone and be left alone
with your tired
awkward
pained and fear-filled days
wondering if you’ll ever
be able to write
the same away
re-break your hand
see what happens
will it break you
or make you a man?
--
this voice in my head
I want to spill it on a page
I want to scream it from a stage
I want to expel everything
this voice in my head
for once
I don’t want
to hear it
--
black is the color of my true loves eyes
devoid of emotions to light that fight
that fire between that wrecks everything
I’d hold her close
stare into those
deep black holes
get lost in those
deep black holes
grow old in those
deep black holes
go cold in those
deep black holes
when the frost bite hits
I feel the warmth from it
know this is where I belong
hold it down and grin
hold down what’s better left to the wind
hold down the heat the defeat the unrest
hold down that weight
keep it in your chest
pound your fist on the walls every chance you get
re-break that hand if you get too stretched
too worn thin and broken wide open
where everyone can see what’s behind those teeth
those awful ugly words you keep
waiting for the chance to go home
and be released when you’re stewing alone
re-break your hand and hide in
that need to be whole again
re-break the bone and be left alone
with your tired
awkward
pained and fear-filled days
wondering if you’ll ever
be able to write
the same away
re-break your hand
see what happens
will it break you
or make you a man?
--
this voice in my head
I want to spill it on a page
I want to scream it from a stage
I want to expel everything
this voice in my head
for once
I don’t want
to hear it
--
black is the color of my true loves eyes
devoid of emotions to light that fight
that fire between that wrecks everything
I’d hold her close
stare into those
deep black holes
get lost in those
deep black holes
grow old in those
deep black holes
go cold in those
deep black holes
when the frost bite hits
I feel the warmth from it
know this is where I belong
11/30/2009
brushed skin and open ended phrases
I couldn’t say what I’ve been chasing
but another week
keeps my eyes locked tight on you
my hunger pains ensue
and I’m begging for a scrap of you attention
I’m pining for a taste of your affection
grazed fingers with burnt knuckles
I can’t feel the heat
but I’m feeling something
who’s to say
who could possibly say
this mind of mine stays up too late at night
unless it’s your face
welling up
at the end of the day
you know I can’t place
I can’t keep the pace
I’d give up the chase
if I didn’t
need it
so much
--
pushed to the outside
on the outskirts of your life
bruising knuckles on bathroom stalls
because I’m
hiding this mind while I
work these fingers to the bone
dreading going home
we don’t speak
we drift from room to room
we chat about the news
the gossip and the high school blues
but we’re too old
faced so much
I gave up just enough
to justify this mind
this feeling jaded
all the fucking time
who are you who are you
and what happened to
the person I knew
swore you’d be by my side
for all my life
now I turn to a friend
I reach for a hand
and end up helping
myself up
again
on my fucking own
I never expected
all that much from you
but you managed to let me down
how impressive
good for you
I couldn’t say what I’ve been chasing
but another week
keeps my eyes locked tight on you
my hunger pains ensue
and I’m begging for a scrap of you attention
I’m pining for a taste of your affection
grazed fingers with burnt knuckles
I can’t feel the heat
but I’m feeling something
who’s to say
who could possibly say
this mind of mine stays up too late at night
unless it’s your face
welling up
at the end of the day
you know I can’t place
I can’t keep the pace
I’d give up the chase
if I didn’t
need it
so much
--
pushed to the outside
on the outskirts of your life
bruising knuckles on bathroom stalls
because I’m
hiding this mind while I
work these fingers to the bone
dreading going home
we don’t speak
we drift from room to room
we chat about the news
the gossip and the high school blues
but we’re too old
faced so much
I gave up just enough
to justify this mind
this feeling jaded
all the fucking time
who are you who are you
and what happened to
the person I knew
swore you’d be by my side
for all my life
now I turn to a friend
I reach for a hand
and end up helping
myself up
again
on my fucking own
I never expected
all that much from you
but you managed to let me down
how impressive
good for you
11/21/2009
always searching for the same songs
jukebox has let me down for so long
so I sing in the car all night
home past two while blaring the blues
vision isn’t blurred but my eyes have been drier
no sobbing
I just need a reason to stick around
when she sat by my side
when she was on my mind
when she slept in my arms
when she tore me apart
every night
and I never birthed a single fault
never the reason that we fought
fist to the wall
I don’t care at all
I’m trying
not to
care
at
all
jukebox has let me down for so long
so I sing in the car all night
home past two while blaring the blues
vision isn’t blurred but my eyes have been drier
no sobbing
I just need a reason to stick around
when she sat by my side
when she was on my mind
when she slept in my arms
when she tore me apart
every night
and I never birthed a single fault
never the reason that we fought
fist to the wall
I don’t care at all
I’m trying
not to
care
at
all
10/29/2009
I love you just enough
to forget where we left off
to wonder why we don’t talk
to ignore that you’ve gone
and been with other men
I love you just enough
to soundly and proudly forgive
the way you never look to me
unless you’re too depressed
to bear to go out and exist
I love you just enough
to be pushed to the brink of hate
glance away and breathe in
breathe out and in again
and walk away from it
I love you just enough
to never want
to give up
to forget where we left off
to wonder why we don’t talk
to ignore that you’ve gone
and been with other men
I love you just enough
to soundly and proudly forgive
the way you never look to me
unless you’re too depressed
to bear to go out and exist
I love you just enough
to be pushed to the brink of hate
glance away and breathe in
breathe out and in again
and walk away from it
I love you just enough
to never want
to give up
10/28/2009
I’m going to lay down
in the middle of the street
and wait for the roads to take me
not in my sleep
wide eyed and hungry
for a taste of the country
for the scent of the city
for the feel of the sea
I want to drown in this concrete
yellow paint on my white out face
grey scale eyes caught on broken white lines
sick of words and rhymes and cries and crimes
wicked children and livid best friends
wild walk outs and tired talks
see society at the peak of hideousness
see the world in a dim
dim
dim hue
tired of trying to adjust my eyes
I’ll sit in the darkness for a bit
tired of trying to wet these dry eyes
I’ll sit in the rain
until the sun finally breaks
--
well, darling, I guess you’ve seen
the awkward smile I hide behind
the wicked mind I hold within
the happy face I plaster to
the angry eyes that guide this life
layers and layers of shit I can’t think
long enough about to put to words
it always always hurts
too much to think for too long
I want to lay and beat the shit
out of my own face until
I stop worrying about the look
and focus back on the feel
--
I’m crawling under in around
your mind your mind your mind
it’s mine
I’m slithering through each synapse
in the middle of the street
and wait for the roads to take me
not in my sleep
wide eyed and hungry
for a taste of the country
for the scent of the city
for the feel of the sea
I want to drown in this concrete
yellow paint on my white out face
grey scale eyes caught on broken white lines
sick of words and rhymes and cries and crimes
wicked children and livid best friends
wild walk outs and tired talks
see society at the peak of hideousness
see the world in a dim
dim
dim hue
tired of trying to adjust my eyes
I’ll sit in the darkness for a bit
tired of trying to wet these dry eyes
I’ll sit in the rain
until the sun finally breaks
--
well, darling, I guess you’ve seen
the awkward smile I hide behind
the wicked mind I hold within
the happy face I plaster to
the angry eyes that guide this life
layers and layers of shit I can’t think
long enough about to put to words
it always always hurts
too much to think for too long
I want to lay and beat the shit
out of my own face until
I stop worrying about the look
and focus back on the feel
--
I’m crawling under in around
your mind your mind your mind
it’s mine
I’m slithering through each synapse
10/12/2009
a twisted wrist with fingers laced
holding while being pushed away
words expressed and missed
interpretations or gross exaggerations
I can’t tell anymore
I just want to walk back to that door
in the middle of the night
with the winter by my side
breathing heaving out solid air
seeing your face and I
fall back to a simpler time
when heart ache
hunger pains
empty wallets
and attractive pockets
were never in my life
living for something I couldn’t quite place
living to put a smile on your face
I’ve plastered a grin on mine
but there’s nothing under or inside
holding while being pushed away
words expressed and missed
interpretations or gross exaggerations
I can’t tell anymore
I just want to walk back to that door
in the middle of the night
with the winter by my side
breathing heaving out solid air
seeing your face and I
fall back to a simpler time
when heart ache
hunger pains
empty wallets
and attractive pockets
were never in my life
living for something I couldn’t quite place
living to put a smile on your face
I’ve plastered a grin on mine
but there’s nothing under or inside
9/17/2009
I’ve been drinkingwhen I can’t sleep on my own
nothing heavy
no blacked out evenings
just a little something
to take my mind off every night
every night I held somebody
close enough to feel a heart beat
to taste their lips against mine
at the sunrise
I’ve been waking up without someone
for a year by now
and it’s old
I’m ready for something different
not something new
something I miss that
still wakes me up
or keeps me up
and makes me want
to drive
far enough away to find
that smile I can’t get off my mind
I don’t mean to
but I’ve been missing you
though I know you’re set in stone
a life you’ve made your own
I didn’t mean to
but I miss you
although I know
you wouldn’t call me your home
nothing heavy
no blacked out evenings
just a little something
to take my mind off every night
every night I held somebody
close enough to feel a heart beat
to taste their lips against mine
at the sunrise
I’ve been waking up without someone
for a year by now
and it’s old
I’m ready for something different
not something new
something I miss that
still wakes me up
or keeps me up
and makes me want
to drive
far enough away to find
that smile I can’t get off my mind
I don’t mean to
but I’ve been missing you
though I know you’re set in stone
a life you’ve made your own
I didn’t mean to
but I miss you
although I know
you wouldn’t call me your home
8/10/2009
I re
mem
ber
that smile and those teeth
half hidden beneath
the lips that would spit
the same words toward me
the apologies and awkward pleas
the accusations you didn’t mean
always haunting
but never left for dead
bringing back to life
the last word I said
but never meant
because I couldn’t get
a single thing through to you
all I was trying to do
was fill the air
hoping you’d get the hint
and get the fuck
out of here
get the fuck
out of my hair
your fingers gripping and ripping my scalp
clawing my conscience
and pulling it out
do you do you really
want to hear what’s on my mind
or would you rather eat the lies
and pretend everything’s fine
do you do you really
think I’m sleeping sound at night
I haven’t slept sound my whole life
so how could you make it right?
mem
ber
that smile and those teeth
half hidden beneath
the lips that would spit
the same words toward me
the apologies and awkward pleas
the accusations you didn’t mean
always haunting
but never left for dead
bringing back to life
the last word I said
but never meant
because I couldn’t get
a single thing through to you
all I was trying to do
was fill the air
hoping you’d get the hint
and get the fuck
out of here
get the fuck
out of my hair
your fingers gripping and ripping my scalp
clawing my conscience
and pulling it out
do you do you really
want to hear what’s on my mind
or would you rather eat the lies
and pretend everything’s fine
do you do you really
think I’m sleeping sound at night
I haven’t slept sound my whole life
so how could you make it right?
8/3/2009
a livid morning with this tongue-tied
wide-eyed mind
driven to a distant mood
trying to remember you
there’s a face I tried too hard to replace
and I now I can’t place
the sound you made
whenever you
used to play those games
those awful mind tricks
keeping me awake
keeping me afraid
I hate to say I miss the way
you fucked with me
knew I would be
fine with it
such a foul-mouthed bitch
and I loved every inch
of the skin
you pressed against my own
--
just enough disinterest
to keep me awake
lying still
waiting ‘til
there’s nothing left to say
--
I never drove you
anywhere I wanted to
never showed you
the life I built around
this town
when I was without
you
on my mind
I shaped a whole life
before you crossed the street
and drove your car
away from me
how could I forget
all the things I did
while coping with
the shit you said
I remember late nights
with tens of friends
I remember sunrise
on a passenger side
and I remember
my scraped hands and sore feet
from fighting off
those corporate companies
and defacing
public property
before you came
and sunk your teeth in me
I remember
so many many things
and I want them back
tonight
I’ll take this town
and tear it down
I’ll live the life
I used to love
because I wasn’t
caught in my thoughts
ignoring my friends
feeling sorry for myself
around every bend
hoping the road
would take me somewhere
I’d forget your name
and why I tried to care
about someone
who wasn’t fun
who treated me
like some fucking bum
stabbed my back
and split my heart
go fuck yourself
it’s time I start
anew
wide-eyed mind
driven to a distant mood
trying to remember you
there’s a face I tried too hard to replace
and I now I can’t place
the sound you made
whenever you
used to play those games
those awful mind tricks
keeping me awake
keeping me afraid
I hate to say I miss the way
you fucked with me
knew I would be
fine with it
such a foul-mouthed bitch
and I loved every inch
of the skin
you pressed against my own
--
just enough disinterest
to keep me awake
lying still
waiting ‘til
there’s nothing left to say
--
I never drove you
anywhere I wanted to
never showed you
the life I built around
this town
when I was without
you
on my mind
I shaped a whole life
before you crossed the street
and drove your car
away from me
how could I forget
all the things I did
while coping with
the shit you said
I remember late nights
with tens of friends
I remember sunrise
on a passenger side
and I remember
my scraped hands and sore feet
from fighting off
those corporate companies
and defacing
public property
before you came
and sunk your teeth in me
I remember
so many many things
and I want them back
tonight
I’ll take this town
and tear it down
I’ll live the life
I used to love
because I wasn’t
caught in my thoughts
ignoring my friends
feeling sorry for myself
around every bend
hoping the road
would take me somewhere
I’d forget your name
and why I tried to care
about someone
who wasn’t fun
who treated me
like some fucking bum
stabbed my back
and split my heart
go fuck yourself
it’s time I start
anew
8/1/2009
last night I was too tired to hunt
to spend the night searching
for something I’m not sure I want
I didn’t feel a breath on my neck
or a hand locked in mine
or anything that might
lead me to thinking that this old town
is exactly
where I need to be
I’ve been crossing these roads
for so long
and I’m tired of driving
without moving on
I need to take these
wheels ‘cross the sea
or ‘cross this country
find somewhere to be
other than me
meeting girls in the back of friends cars
hoping someday to take the dive
take the drive
out
of this city where all I ever see
is an awkward little grin
leading to another sin
and it’s happening again
if I don’t step in
and say
I’m going home
wherever that is
I’ll figure it out
when I finally hit
a place where my mind
can finally rest
and I won’t go to sleep
with this weight on my chest
to spend the night searching
for something I’m not sure I want
I didn’t feel a breath on my neck
or a hand locked in mine
or anything that might
lead me to thinking that this old town
is exactly
where I need to be
I’ve been crossing these roads
for so long
and I’m tired of driving
without moving on
I need to take these
wheels ‘cross the sea
or ‘cross this country
find somewhere to be
other than me
meeting girls in the back of friends cars
hoping someday to take the dive
take the drive
out
of this city where all I ever see
is an awkward little grin
leading to another sin
and it’s happening again
if I don’t step in
and say
I’m going home
wherever that is
I’ll figure it out
when I finally hit
a place where my mind
can finally rest
and I won’t go to sleep
with this weight on my chest
7/26/2009
it’s hardly raining at this point when I
decide to call it a night
but the down pour had me sour before
passing slow across these streets
trying to find release from these
nights of need
I find that maybe I don’t
need
anything
especially not from you
I had a few drinks with some
friends I can still confide in
rely on
now that
you’re gone
it’s seems to me
all along
you were dead fucking wrong
there’s always something good
to fall back on
I don’t rely
on people who waste their time
hating all the time they waste
instead of taking it somewhere
and making something
these days I rely
on myself and my
loved ones
the real ones
not the hard hearted souls
I don’t really know
but I wanted to make them smile
you can’t make everything right
but I think tonight
I feel all right
decide to call it a night
but the down pour had me sour before
passing slow across these streets
trying to find release from these
nights of need
I find that maybe I don’t
need
anything
especially not from you
I had a few drinks with some
friends I can still confide in
rely on
now that
you’re gone
it’s seems to me
all along
you were dead fucking wrong
there’s always something good
to fall back on
I don’t rely
on people who waste their time
hating all the time they waste
instead of taking it somewhere
and making something
these days I rely
on myself and my
loved ones
the real ones
not the hard hearted souls
I don’t really know
but I wanted to make them smile
you can’t make everything right
but I think tonight
I feel all right
7/15/2009
this wandering eye
has been hiding inside
since the summer sun started to break
and the cold mornings
stopped meaning anything
watching my breath
drift in puffs from my lips
as I stepped to the edge
of that frozen surface
I never tried to see my face in the waves
that cracked the remains of the frozen days
I knew I was alive enough to say
I think I’m living the right way
I’ve been sleeping late
maybe
I’ve been hiding my face
or hiding myself away
from you
that second person singular I’ve sought my whole life
some pretty, crooked smile to keep me reeling every night
I’ve been trying to wake early
and missing the clock
rolling from under these covers
still sleeping as I’m walking
slack jawed and sulking
dragging my feet
trying to be
content with who I am
but there’s...
there’s something missing
has been hiding inside
since the summer sun started to break
and the cold mornings
stopped meaning anything
watching my breath
drift in puffs from my lips
as I stepped to the edge
of that frozen surface
I never tried to see my face in the waves
that cracked the remains of the frozen days
I knew I was alive enough to say
I think I’m living the right way
I’ve been sleeping late
maybe
I’ve been hiding my face
or hiding myself away
from you
that second person singular I’ve sought my whole life
some pretty, crooked smile to keep me reeling every night
I’ve been trying to wake early
and missing the clock
rolling from under these covers
still sleeping as I’m walking
slack jawed and sulking
dragging my feet
trying to be
content with who I am
but there’s...
there’s something missing
6/28/2009
I’ll toss these feelings to the backseat
as I drive to find a better place to sleep
you always filled the air with me
but these words ran short
I can’t speak with you anymore
too hard to find the time to define what’s on my mind
another awkward evening
where I hold my tongue enough
to make myself throw up
all this condescension
his wicked interjections
leave me wonderin’
why you’d love someone
who doesn’t give a fuck
about anything
‘cept being at the top
I’m leaving this evening
and I’ll see the sunrise on my own
it’s better than you
can or will ever know
I’ve spent so many nights
on everyone else’s time
it’s time I take what’s mine
I’m leaving this behind
you’re so sweet
when you’re not with me
and I can’t take
the way you make
these days move so slow
as I drive to find a better place to sleep
you always filled the air with me
but these words ran short
I can’t speak with you anymore
too hard to find the time to define what’s on my mind
another awkward evening
where I hold my tongue enough
to make myself throw up
all this condescension
his wicked interjections
leave me wonderin’
why you’d love someone
who doesn’t give a fuck
about anything
‘cept being at the top
I’m leaving this evening
and I’ll see the sunrise on my own
it’s better than you
can or will ever know
I’ve spent so many nights
on everyone else’s time
it’s time I take what’s mine
I’m leaving this behind
you’re so sweet
when you’re not with me
and I can’t take
the way you make
these days move so slow
6/27/2009
I’ve seen love and I’ve seen like
I’ve seen hate and seen one nights
I’ve seen desperate and I’ve seen despair
I’ve seen hurt and I’ve seen care
and I can’t seem to care enough
to reach down and help you up
when I’ve told you time and again
you’re not hiding anything
the bruises on your skin
we can seem them
no matter how you cover up.
--
used to be so fucking tough
we slept with knives behind our eyes
stayed out late and wandered all night
there was a reason to fight back then
hiding from education and religion
familial ties and major decisions
anything to keep us on the streets
anything to keep our feet
a step ahead of the rest
now there’s something missing in my chest
this heart may beat
but too damn fast
and I can’t sort out or look back
catch my breath or fight this sense
that the good times are all but gone
and it’ll be harder and harder from here on
there’s isn’t a single song
to describe how we feel these nights
divided and distance
tell me
do you miss them?
those nights we treated like days
those days we wasted away
the sunrises from the backseats
and the star lit skies on back streets
distant drives without destination
living with a vision
these days, we’re just living
alive like everyone else
I’ve seen hate and seen one nights
I’ve seen desperate and I’ve seen despair
I’ve seen hurt and I’ve seen care
and I can’t seem to care enough
to reach down and help you up
when I’ve told you time and again
you’re not hiding anything
the bruises on your skin
we can seem them
no matter how you cover up.
--
used to be so fucking tough
we slept with knives behind our eyes
stayed out late and wandered all night
there was a reason to fight back then
hiding from education and religion
familial ties and major decisions
anything to keep us on the streets
anything to keep our feet
a step ahead of the rest
now there’s something missing in my chest
this heart may beat
but too damn fast
and I can’t sort out or look back
catch my breath or fight this sense
that the good times are all but gone
and it’ll be harder and harder from here on
there’s isn’t a single song
to describe how we feel these nights
divided and distance
tell me
do you miss them?
those nights we treated like days
those days we wasted away
the sunrises from the backseats
and the star lit skies on back streets
distant drives without destination
living with a vision
these days, we’re just living
alive like everyone else
9/17/2008
I feel so damn lonely
when you’re around
and it gets
oh it gets me so down
I can see in those eyes
as green as listerine
wintermint
the good tastin’ shit
that you’re looking for someone
to fill up your time
but not I
oh no no
not me
but it’s all to be expected
it’s hardly worth the mention
let the distance lengthen
until it’s too far to know
how you’re handling everything
how I’m dealing day to day
if you miss those tired evenings
or if I’m still willing to wait
when you’re around
and it gets
oh it gets me so down
I can see in those eyes
as green as listerine
wintermint
the good tastin’ shit
that you’re looking for someone
to fill up your time
but not I
oh no no
not me
but it’s all to be expected
it’s hardly worth the mention
let the distance lengthen
until it’s too far to know
how you’re handling everything
how I’m dealing day to day
if you miss those tired evenings
or if I’m still willing to wait
9/8/2008
you were always blessed at best
at worst, you always looked a mess
but I saw something in your smile
something I would drive for miles
for the chance to see again
I’ll cross this whole damn country
to graze against your skin
again
at night when lights are too bright to sleep
or it’s too damn dark for me to see
when I’m laying with noone sharing these sheets
when my mind starts drifting toward dreams
a whisper hits these ears
a voice slides in this mind
and I’ll hold out on filling beds
‘til you fill the other side
cause I can’t sleep when you’re upset
my mind runs circles around this room
fills this heart with anxious beats
these fingers clench and this mouth falls loose
throat runs dry
tongue goes limp
don’t know what I
I could give
I don’t I don’t I don’t
know
but I’ll find out
you want the moon?
I’ll get it for you
lasso that bastard
and pull it to your room
I’m not ready to leave this town
my bodies aching to press the gas
cross state lines and never look back
but my heart and soul won’t go for that
I’ve got the blues so hard and true
I can barely say a word to you
but I’ll sing a little something
and maybe it’ll catch your ear
you’ll hum a little something back
and give me reason to stay here
at worst, you always looked a mess
but I saw something in your smile
something I would drive for miles
for the chance to see again
I’ll cross this whole damn country
to graze against your skin
again
at night when lights are too bright to sleep
or it’s too damn dark for me to see
when I’m laying with noone sharing these sheets
when my mind starts drifting toward dreams
a whisper hits these ears
a voice slides in this mind
and I’ll hold out on filling beds
‘til you fill the other side
cause I can’t sleep when you’re upset
my mind runs circles around this room
fills this heart with anxious beats
these fingers clench and this mouth falls loose
throat runs dry
tongue goes limp
don’t know what I
I could give
I don’t I don’t I don’t
know
but I’ll find out
you want the moon?
I’ll get it for you
lasso that bastard
and pull it to your room
I’m not ready to leave this town
my bodies aching to press the gas
cross state lines and never look back
but my heart and soul won’t go for that
I’ve got the blues so hard and true
I can barely say a word to you
but I’ll sing a little something
and maybe it’ll catch your ear
you’ll hum a little something back
and give me reason to stay here
8/27/2008
I don’t mind
no I don’t mind
oh I don’t mind
no I don’t mind
I miss your voice from time to time
I clear my head on late night drives
thinking of you when I hit stop signs
that one red word will always define
the feelings I’m feeling when you’re at my side
whispering something all through the night
I listen and nod and mumble a few lines
to keep you curled up with your head on my thigh
but the words hardly reach the other’s ears
we’re just grasping a reason to stay right here
I feel so much better whenever you’re near
now I know why I’ve felt like shit for years
I know where I’m headed
it’s a matter of “wait it out”
this road doesn’t dead end
I’ll make it some day then
I’ll come rushing back and
you’ll probably be married
I’ll be too damn late
to sweep you off your feet
and carry you away
so no no no
I don’t want to wait
I won’t I won’t
sit around all damn day
pissing groaning and moaning
claiming I’m alone
grab the keys - I’m going
and I won’t come back
until I finally have
a life you’d call your home
no I don’t mind
oh I don’t mind
no I don’t mind
I miss your voice from time to time
I clear my head on late night drives
thinking of you when I hit stop signs
that one red word will always define
the feelings I’m feeling when you’re at my side
whispering something all through the night
I listen and nod and mumble a few lines
to keep you curled up with your head on my thigh
but the words hardly reach the other’s ears
we’re just grasping a reason to stay right here
I feel so much better whenever you’re near
now I know why I’ve felt like shit for years
I know where I’m headed
it’s a matter of “wait it out”
this road doesn’t dead end
I’ll make it some day then
I’ll come rushing back and
you’ll probably be married
I’ll be too damn late
to sweep you off your feet
and carry you away
so no no no
I don’t want to wait
I won’t I won’t
sit around all damn day
pissing groaning and moaning
claiming I’m alone
grab the keys - I’m going
and I won’t come back
until I finally have
a life you’d call your home
8/8/2008
I’ll try to hold on to
the friend I knew
the times that you
stood staring straight at me
trying so hard not to see
the latent insanity
and I would always do the same
find humor in the ways
you would attempt to fix it all
when nothing was ever wrong
I remember much better what I should forget
all the times I wouldn’t let
the words escape my lips
held back the truth
and kept to telling you
whatever you wanted to hear
because it always kept you here
now I know I know I know
we can’t go
back to how things were
and that’s what makes this hurt
oh that’s what makes this hurt
I wonder in this dim lit room
when you're sitting under a pale old moon
while I wallow in my vivid dreams
if you’re having any thoughts for me
or desperately trying to dismiss
those little fleeting instances
when we were too tired to move
holding each other’s weight
beaten, broken and bruised
but we never let the other break
the friend I knew
the times that you
stood staring straight at me
trying so hard not to see
the latent insanity
and I would always do the same
find humor in the ways
you would attempt to fix it all
when nothing was ever wrong
I remember much better what I should forget
all the times I wouldn’t let
the words escape my lips
held back the truth
and kept to telling you
whatever you wanted to hear
because it always kept you here
now I know I know I know
we can’t go
back to how things were
and that’s what makes this hurt
oh that’s what makes this hurt
I wonder in this dim lit room
when you're sitting under a pale old moon
while I wallow in my vivid dreams
if you’re having any thoughts for me
or desperately trying to dismiss
those little fleeting instances
when we were too tired to move
holding each other’s weight
beaten, broken and bruised
but we never let the other break
7/22/2008 pt. 2
I’ve had feelings before
that I couldn’t quite place
never put a pen to paper
and put words to the face
I’ve looked in eyes
had them stare back
while my mouth ran dry
and my pulse went flat
I’ve had the hope
of something true
and ended up left
with nothing new
and I guess it’s to be expected
that’s just the breaks these days
I guess when the words come to mind
the girl isn’t meant to stay
ok.
that I couldn’t quite place
never put a pen to paper
and put words to the face
I’ve looked in eyes
had them stare back
while my mouth ran dry
and my pulse went flat
I’ve had the hope
of something true
and ended up left
with nothing new
and I guess it’s to be expected
that’s just the breaks these days
I guess when the words come to mind
the girl isn’t meant to stay
ok.
7/22/2008
the last time that she left
it was more than for the day
and I know we’ll never
feel or be the same
no matter how close we grow
or how far we move
it’s hard to save that bond
when the home we know is gone
turning hell into a happy house
spending hours without a breath
no food in our stomachs or a moments rest
took the worst and made it to the best
I wonder when it’ll finally hit
the love I’ve lost and the chances I’ve missed
the harshest nights that could have been
the best nights I have ever lived
if I’d only done more than lean
if only I had called you to me
begged you to never leave
this home that we made happy
this hell that we built
into something we will
hold onto until
we lose the strength to grip
I need to go if you aren’t coming home
I need to find a new place
to spend all my waking
efforts emotions and pains
expel all the thoughts
I have bottled up
from you
I need to find a new place
that I can feel safe
and as near to how good it felt
to come in late
and see your angry face
shift to a smile
when I smiled first
who’d have thought
it’s the smiles
that make this hurt
it was more than for the day
and I know we’ll never
feel or be the same
no matter how close we grow
or how far we move
it’s hard to save that bond
when the home we know is gone
turning hell into a happy house
spending hours without a breath
no food in our stomachs or a moments rest
took the worst and made it to the best
I wonder when it’ll finally hit
the love I’ve lost and the chances I’ve missed
the harshest nights that could have been
the best nights I have ever lived
if I’d only done more than lean
if only I had called you to me
begged you to never leave
this home that we made happy
this hell that we built
into something we will
hold onto until
we lose the strength to grip
I need to go if you aren’t coming home
I need to find a new place
to spend all my waking
efforts emotions and pains
expel all the thoughts
I have bottled up
from you
I need to find a new place
that I can feel safe
and as near to how good it felt
to come in late
and see your angry face
shift to a smile
when I smiled first
who’d have thought
it’s the smiles
that make this hurt
7/19/2008
as soon as you were gone
I cut all my hair off
I had no reason to hide
what was on my mind
anymore
as soon as you were gone
I started sleeping deep and long
dreaming up anything
and not waking feeling
guilty for it
as soon as you were gone
as soon as I was on
my own
as soon as you had left me
I finally started to see
ultimately
I should have been the one
to leave
--
you look sweet enough to coddle
and coo to until you’re asleep
and maybe you won’t tear
a gaping hole in me
but I’ve been wrong before
misjudged time and again
so I’ll try not to be surprised
if we hit the same ol’ end
I’m old enough to know
I’m not meant to live alone
and I’m young enough to make
the same damn dumb mistakes
sometimes when I’m too tired
to fight off what helps me sleep
I feel your back against me
as if your curled up under these sheets
oh I know I should ignore it
my minds just being tricky
but I’m too close to sleep to fight it
and so I let it be
I cut all my hair off
I had no reason to hide
what was on my mind
anymore
as soon as you were gone
I started sleeping deep and long
dreaming up anything
and not waking feeling
guilty for it
as soon as you were gone
as soon as I was on
my own
as soon as you had left me
I finally started to see
ultimately
I should have been the one
to leave
--
you look sweet enough to coddle
and coo to until you’re asleep
and maybe you won’t tear
a gaping hole in me
but I’ve been wrong before
misjudged time and again
so I’ll try not to be surprised
if we hit the same ol’ end
I’m old enough to know
I’m not meant to live alone
and I’m young enough to make
the same damn dumb mistakes
sometimes when I’m too tired
to fight off what helps me sleep
I feel your back against me
as if your curled up under these sheets
oh I know I should ignore it
my minds just being tricky
but I’m too close to sleep to fight it
and so I let it be
7/16/2008
if I were to sit
and graze your fingertips
withdraw for a seconds thought
lace our fingers hands and wrists
entwine our arms and eyes
if I were to sit
and kiss your lips
would it be a fleeting moment
or a mind body and soul explosion
as freedom leaks past our teeth
mingling with the air we exchange
would nothing ever be the same
or would nothing ever change
would it be the start or the end
would I gain a love
or lose a friend
--
I don’t want to miss you
or think of you at night
when I’m trying to fall asleep
and the music won’t work for me
I don’t want to wrap my arms
around a pillow or the sheets
pretending I’m pulling you
close to me
I don’t want to sleep with you
in any way shape or form
whether you’re crawling in bed naked
or just trying to keep warm
not even when I’m so tired
but my eyes are still so wide
I don’t want to remember the mess of a bed
I could never seem to get comfortable in
I need a wider space to lay
an empty bed to rest my head
I was always so cramped with you
and I’m looking for something new
a huge bed with fresh sheets
to stretch out my arms and spread my feet
I’ll crank up the AC and be frozen
in this awful summer heat
and graze your fingertips
withdraw for a seconds thought
lace our fingers hands and wrists
entwine our arms and eyes
if I were to sit
and kiss your lips
would it be a fleeting moment
or a mind body and soul explosion
as freedom leaks past our teeth
mingling with the air we exchange
would nothing ever be the same
or would nothing ever change
would it be the start or the end
would I gain a love
or lose a friend
--
I don’t want to miss you
or think of you at night
when I’m trying to fall asleep
and the music won’t work for me
I don’t want to wrap my arms
around a pillow or the sheets
pretending I’m pulling you
close to me
I don’t want to sleep with you
in any way shape or form
whether you’re crawling in bed naked
or just trying to keep warm
not even when I’m so tired
but my eyes are still so wide
I don’t want to remember the mess of a bed
I could never seem to get comfortable in
I need a wider space to lay
an empty bed to rest my head
I was always so cramped with you
and I’m looking for something new
a huge bed with fresh sheets
to stretch out my arms and spread my feet
I’ll crank up the AC and be frozen
in this awful summer heat
7/8/2008
can’t put my finger on it
can’t find the words to fit the verse
can’t seem to form a sentence
to truly relay this distance
this incessant burning disinterest
this scathing independence
this heedless and relentless
need to be
utterly and completely
on my own
this unnatural and unhealthy
want to be
alone
how can I sit in a room with no view
perfectly fine spending all of my time
with only the glow
of a soulless TV
or the dull old hum
of a computer screen
as my poor excuse
for company?
no more hiding from the sun
I need to step outside
give myself the fucking chance
chance to feel alive
can’t find the words to fit the verse
can’t seem to form a sentence
to truly relay this distance
this incessant burning disinterest
this scathing independence
this heedless and relentless
need to be
utterly and completely
on my own
this unnatural and unhealthy
want to be
alone
how can I sit in a room with no view
perfectly fine spending all of my time
with only the glow
of a soulless TV
or the dull old hum
of a computer screen
as my poor excuse
for company?
no more hiding from the sun
I need to step outside
give myself the fucking chance
chance to feel alive
5/16/2008
squander all that affection
and dish out all the attention
you have left to give
I may not understand
but I’ll admit
you have a way with making days
more lonely than I’ve ever felt
though you’re sitting next to me
you’re somewhere else
can’t feel those eyes on me these days
can’t find you in this place we lay
can’t seem to feel a thing
unless I’m screaming
heat heat heat on my breath
always claim you try your best
but you don’t try at all
so someone make the call
I’ve gone down and out
thrown in the fucking towel
I’m submitting
I’m just living
life alone
and dish out all the attention
you have left to give
I may not understand
but I’ll admit
you have a way with making days
more lonely than I’ve ever felt
though you’re sitting next to me
you’re somewhere else
can’t feel those eyes on me these days
can’t find you in this place we lay
can’t seem to feel a thing
unless I’m screaming
heat heat heat on my breath
always claim you try your best
but you don’t try at all
so someone make the call
I’ve gone down and out
thrown in the fucking towel
I’m submitting
I’m just living
life alone
5/3/2008
always nice to know
that you give me no concern
all your little thoughts
are yours alone
sleep and eat and bitch and moan
on and on and on the phone
never seem to let me know
what would make this all make sense
just leave me on the edge
tilting ever so slightly
to the point where I might be
too gone to catch myself
can’t be helped
I’ll eventually crawl back up
when I’m too shit out of luck
to care about anyone else
I’ll trample along their heads
convince myself they’re dead
or much better off that way
and all you’ll ever say
is that I don’t listen enough
I don’t give enough
I don’t do enough
to live up
to who you assume I should be
--
oh I spend each day in an awkward state
perpetual distress keeping me awake
hard to sit and relish an early rise
or bask in the glow of a well spent night
these days are weak and overused
same damn routines
and the same abuse
money isn’t worth all the time I’ve lost
while scrutinizing over the look and cost
I sold my soul to fit a mold
I claim I made but hardly know
staring in windows or tinted glass
I don’t know the frame that’s staring back
disgusted with lust and escape from myself
this ill-conceived belief in my pride
never afraid to ask for help
but I’m too terrified to sleep at night
I wonder how often it wakes you up
thinking that something is seriously fucked
sacrifices and lives you’ve up and dismissed
no matter how often they’re painfully missed
I’m tired
I’m wired
I’m fucking distressed
losing myself
to put it at best
to put it worst
my head fucking hurts
and my heart
and my hand
and my whole
that you give me no concern
all your little thoughts
are yours alone
sleep and eat and bitch and moan
on and on and on the phone
never seem to let me know
what would make this all make sense
just leave me on the edge
tilting ever so slightly
to the point where I might be
too gone to catch myself
can’t be helped
I’ll eventually crawl back up
when I’m too shit out of luck
to care about anyone else
I’ll trample along their heads
convince myself they’re dead
or much better off that way
and all you’ll ever say
is that I don’t listen enough
I don’t give enough
I don’t do enough
to live up
to who you assume I should be
--
oh I spend each day in an awkward state
perpetual distress keeping me awake
hard to sit and relish an early rise
or bask in the glow of a well spent night
these days are weak and overused
same damn routines
and the same abuse
money isn’t worth all the time I’ve lost
while scrutinizing over the look and cost
I sold my soul to fit a mold
I claim I made but hardly know
staring in windows or tinted glass
I don’t know the frame that’s staring back
disgusted with lust and escape from myself
this ill-conceived belief in my pride
never afraid to ask for help
but I’m too terrified to sleep at night
I wonder how often it wakes you up
thinking that something is seriously fucked
sacrifices and lives you’ve up and dismissed
no matter how often they’re painfully missed
I’m tired
I’m wired
I’m fucking distressed
losing myself
to put it at best
to put it worst
my head fucking hurts
and my heart
and my hand
and my whole
4/13/2008
hit a point in life
where words run thin
I might
let them crumple and carry off on the wind
heard what new words were held in
but the story was old and stale
it’s always the same damn tale
of who said what
and who gave up
too much to ever give back
but that’s just
the breaks
the facts
paid your dues a thousands times over
words through phone calls will just grow colder
as this summer sun heats up
talk too fucking much
to hit the point
and winter froze the rumors
kept those fights on the back burner
but the solstice brought to light
what spring could never hide
by summertime
it’ll all be bright eyed in the open
promises and insistencies broken
maybe I’ll walk home alone
feel the rays cast on my neck
too tired to try to uphold my head
maybe we can set this subject to rest
and leave it for dead
I guess
it’s too much
for one young blood
to hold
--
won’t hold my hardened hand
nor cradle my heavy head
leave me to wade in the shallows
‘til I’ve wandered in water to my neck
hard to breathe
when I can’t believe
the lifeguard’s got their eyes on me
hard to speak
when words are too thin
to make a path through
these ocean winds
caught on another current
bobbing along the surface
so fearful of slipping beneath
can’t reach your arm out to
me
or you won’t
I’m drifting drifting drifting
further from what I know
keeps me home
keeps me healthy
keeps me whole
where words run thin
I might
let them crumple and carry off on the wind
heard what new words were held in
but the story was old and stale
it’s always the same damn tale
of who said what
and who gave up
too much to ever give back
but that’s just
the breaks
the facts
paid your dues a thousands times over
words through phone calls will just grow colder
as this summer sun heats up
talk too fucking much
to hit the point
and winter froze the rumors
kept those fights on the back burner
but the solstice brought to light
what spring could never hide
by summertime
it’ll all be bright eyed in the open
promises and insistencies broken
maybe I’ll walk home alone
feel the rays cast on my neck
too tired to try to uphold my head
maybe we can set this subject to rest
and leave it for dead
I guess
it’s too much
for one young blood
to hold
--
won’t hold my hardened hand
nor cradle my heavy head
leave me to wade in the shallows
‘til I’ve wandered in water to my neck
hard to breathe
when I can’t believe
the lifeguard’s got their eyes on me
hard to speak
when words are too thin
to make a path through
these ocean winds
caught on another current
bobbing along the surface
so fearful of slipping beneath
can’t reach your arm out to
me
or you won’t
I’m drifting drifting drifting
further from what I know
keeps me home
keeps me healthy
keeps me whole
3/20/2008
wrap yourself up in sleep with me
cause it's fuckin' freezing out
i could see my breath tonight
like a cig was in my mouth
but i don't fucking smoke
it's just that fucking cold
goddamn
when did that happen?
cause it's fuckin' freezing out
i could see my breath tonight
like a cig was in my mouth
but i don't fucking smoke
it's just that fucking cold
goddamn
when did that happen?
2/14/2008
I don’t want to watch you
curled up on the ground
trying to figure out
what to do with what you’re left
I can’t stand to watch you
go through this again
another women at the end
of each day
keeping you awake
not ‘cause she’s beside you
just because she used to
fill that space
there’s just too many beds
for one person to sleep in
and rest well
can’t find that set of arms
that keep your body warm
keeps your mind at ease
fights off those bad dreams
can’t rustle under covers
without scaring her away
she’s a coward
but you’re scared she’ll leave
I don’t want to have to
watch you fall apart
because of some dumb woman
not again
curled up on the ground
trying to figure out
what to do with what you’re left
I can’t stand to watch you
go through this again
another women at the end
of each day
keeping you awake
not ‘cause she’s beside you
just because she used to
fill that space
there’s just too many beds
for one person to sleep in
and rest well
can’t find that set of arms
that keep your body warm
keeps your mind at ease
fights off those bad dreams
can’t rustle under covers
without scaring her away
she’s a coward
but you’re scared she’ll leave
I don’t want to have to
watch you fall apart
because of some dumb woman
not again
1/17/2008
all and all and all I have
give and give but can’t take back
I’ve been spending too much to count
in loose change or seconds hands
ticks and tocks
can’t escape these clocks
and feeling like I’ve wasted another day
so I’ll write this night out of my mind
I’ll write ‘til I’m out of my mind
and can find some sense in this mess
because it’s getting harder to understand
the way I am and where I stand
when I’m standing in your reach
and you may be looking at me
but you’re talking to someone else
and my mind is off and gone
oh come on
I can’t stay where you are
when your thoughts are always so far
away and away
my thoughts drift further each day
from lack of company
so don’t expect me to lay in bed
and want something more than sleep
because the only way away from this mind
is to give into its dreams
oh let me sleep.
--
I don’t see you in my dreams
smiling at me
I don’t see you the way I want to
I see you waiting for the break
awkward in the background
searching for words to say
desperate to explain
how my sweet dreams become nightmares
and I wake up scared as hell
whilst you’re sleeping sound and well
by my side
I don’t see you in my dreams
smiling at me
wrapped up in my arms
or anywhere that you belong
and when I see you
I don’t need to
dream of you that way
so distant and hesitant
oh you’re like that every day
give and give but can’t take back
I’ve been spending too much to count
in loose change or seconds hands
ticks and tocks
can’t escape these clocks
and feeling like I’ve wasted another day
so I’ll write this night out of my mind
I’ll write ‘til I’m out of my mind
and can find some sense in this mess
because it’s getting harder to understand
the way I am and where I stand
when I’m standing in your reach
and you may be looking at me
but you’re talking to someone else
and my mind is off and gone
oh come on
I can’t stay where you are
when your thoughts are always so far
away and away
my thoughts drift further each day
from lack of company
so don’t expect me to lay in bed
and want something more than sleep
because the only way away from this mind
is to give into its dreams
oh let me sleep.
--
I don’t see you in my dreams
smiling at me
I don’t see you the way I want to
I see you waiting for the break
awkward in the background
searching for words to say
desperate to explain
how my sweet dreams become nightmares
and I wake up scared as hell
whilst you’re sleeping sound and well
by my side
I don’t see you in my dreams
smiling at me
wrapped up in my arms
or anywhere that you belong
and when I see you
I don’t need to
dream of you that way
so distant and hesitant
oh you’re like that every day
12/6/2007
life is not a movie!
and you are not a star!
throw these scattered sentences to the wind
see if they blow back again
if not, let them on their way
another night and one more day
we wait
hold off on wagging our tongues
hold our tongues and wag our tails
no worries if we pretend they aren’t there
so let us play pretend
I’ll wake up and feel let down
I’ll wake up and call you up
I’ll wake up and fall in love
I’ll wake up and fall out of trust
I’ll wake up and I’ll want
to lay back down
with you in my arms
hiding from the ugly sun
begging to tell everyone
to leave me the fuck alone!
yeah, see me on my own
and don’t dare question why
I’m just fine
don’t give me your concern
I’ve learned
that it’s easier without friction
it’s hard for me to listen
but I get it
there are bigger things happening
then the shit between
you and me
and you are not a star!
throw these scattered sentences to the wind
see if they blow back again
if not, let them on their way
another night and one more day
we wait
hold off on wagging our tongues
hold our tongues and wag our tails
no worries if we pretend they aren’t there
so let us play pretend
I’ll wake up and feel let down
I’ll wake up and call you up
I’ll wake up and fall in love
I’ll wake up and fall out of trust
I’ll wake up and I’ll want
to lay back down
with you in my arms
hiding from the ugly sun
begging to tell everyone
to leave me the fuck alone!
yeah, see me on my own
and don’t dare question why
I’m just fine
don’t give me your concern
I’ve learned
that it’s easier without friction
it’s hard for me to listen
but I get it
there are bigger things happening
then the shit between
you and me
10/30/2007
you’re a needy greedy lady
and oh you drive me crazy
won’t someone come and save me
from this vixen smitten with me?
I just want to be left
to my own devices
no more chains and vices
free to be my own
ready to be alone
with someone who I know
isn’t keeping me under lock and key
playing games of catch and release
just eager to lay down and be
free
--
bones can break
but scars can fade
and I wouldn’t dare
erase these days
I just want a chance to sit back
swallow my pride and relax
ain’t no need to be fighting for affection
no reason to scream for attention
just give up that hunt for attraction
all this action
it’s not healthy without healing
and you’re dealing
but you haven't mended yet
don’t let yourself become succumbed
in desperately trying to please someone
when you aren’t too pleased with yourself
and oh you drive me crazy
won’t someone come and save me
from this vixen smitten with me?
I just want to be left
to my own devices
no more chains and vices
free to be my own
ready to be alone
with someone who I know
isn’t keeping me under lock and key
playing games of catch and release
just eager to lay down and be
free
--
bones can break
but scars can fade
and I wouldn’t dare
erase these days
I just want a chance to sit back
swallow my pride and relax
ain’t no need to be fighting for affection
no reason to scream for attention
just give up that hunt for attraction
all this action
it’s not healthy without healing
and you’re dealing
but you haven't mended yet
don’t let yourself become succumbed
in desperately trying to please someone
when you aren’t too pleased with yourself
10/25/2007
started a new kind of crooning - reach for the sky with my musings - and maybe I’ll reach something - or maybe something will reach me - song and dance and musical notes - I caught the pitch in my throat - started to choke - hacked up a couple lines with your name - but I didn’t like them - I wrote them away - it seemed so much better - when I just sang along - no words were my own - just one more empty song - things get so damn personal - and a person could hate me for these - keep it secret - please don’t hear it - who knows what I may say
--
you can be pretty bright
less mundane I must say
took the monotony from me
and threw that shit away
well you haven’t yet
but I hope you will some day
because it’s getting heavy
it’s really starting to weigh
it’s getting hard to take
need a cure from being such a bore
these days are slow and old
I’m trying to style my life into
one I’m proud to call my own
it gets a little difficult
when my head is so damn light
from not sleeping enough at night
and doing too much all day
trying to fill each second
with something so I can say
“that one wasn’t a waste”
need a reminder that time isn’t life
minutes don’t matter
doing nothing is all right
but it needs to be for a good reason
whether it’s building up to leaving
or staying around with someone
someone who makes you want
to stay around
--
you can be pretty bright
less mundane I must say
took the monotony from me
and threw that shit away
well you haven’t yet
but I hope you will some day
because it’s getting heavy
it’s really starting to weigh
it’s getting hard to take
need a cure from being such a bore
these days are slow and old
I’m trying to style my life into
one I’m proud to call my own
it gets a little difficult
when my head is so damn light
from not sleeping enough at night
and doing too much all day
trying to fill each second
with something so I can say
“that one wasn’t a waste”
need a reminder that time isn’t life
minutes don’t matter
doing nothing is all right
but it needs to be for a good reason
whether it’s building up to leaving
or staying around with someone
someone who makes you want
to stay around
10/12/2007
tired...
wrap yourself up in sleep with me
let’s keep the sun out for now
hide in these covers
for a lil’ while longer
wrap yourself up in sleep with me
let’s keep the sun out for now
hide in these covers
for a lil’ while longer
9/8/2007
oh you left me angry
because you wouldn’t tell me
why you left to begin with
and oh you still hold out on me
throw all your little doubts at me
trying to confide
but you’ve been wasting time
wasting yours and wasting mine
cause he’s not me
if you can’t let it rest
and I still feel you on my chest
rising and falling
as I take all these breaths
does it occur to you
we’re not quite finished yet
trying so hard
at falling apart
if you can’t let me go
then your man needs to know
because you wouldn’t tell me
why you left to begin with
and oh you still hold out on me
throw all your little doubts at me
trying to confide
but you’ve been wasting time
wasting yours and wasting mine
cause he’s not me
if you can’t let it rest
and I still feel you on my chest
rising and falling
as I take all these breaths
does it occur to you
we’re not quite finished yet
trying so hard
at falling apart
if you can’t let me go
then your man needs to know
9/7/2007
I never thought I’d say this
but I’m miss the way you always said
I was in the back of your head
but never the forefront of your life
yeah I miss it because I lived it
for so fucking long
and no matter how far I ran
I could always call you home
even if it wasn’t love
kiss and touch and fucking fuck
even if it wasn’t something
in a fairytale kind of world
I was still a lonely boy
and you were still a lonely girl
we were depressed and subdued together
held off on getting close
held our tongues
pulled breath through the nose
trying to hide the heat
no lips to touch
we held off so much
and I miss it
cause it didn’t hurt too bad
it wasn’t a fucking heart break
just a school boy feeling sad.
--
everything is a summer fling
that must be why they call if fall
the love gets brown and wrinkled
gets trampled out in the streets
raked up with the leaves
and you and me
we’re frozen by first snow
spring will bring something
maybe it’ll be new
maybe it’ll be borrowed
or maybe we’ll stay blue
we can’t have something old
not since winter grew so cold
frostbite took hold off my life
and broke it away from you
I’d rather be cold
than heated and alone
I’d rather be frozen
than in this fucking oven
waiting for the timer to ding
for you to stick a thermometer in
to check see if I’m ready
but remember you don’t want me
but I’m miss the way you always said
I was in the back of your head
but never the forefront of your life
yeah I miss it because I lived it
for so fucking long
and no matter how far I ran
I could always call you home
even if it wasn’t love
kiss and touch and fucking fuck
even if it wasn’t something
in a fairytale kind of world
I was still a lonely boy
and you were still a lonely girl
we were depressed and subdued together
held off on getting close
held our tongues
pulled breath through the nose
trying to hide the heat
no lips to touch
we held off so much
and I miss it
cause it didn’t hurt too bad
it wasn’t a fucking heart break
just a school boy feeling sad.
--
everything is a summer fling
that must be why they call if fall
the love gets brown and wrinkled
gets trampled out in the streets
raked up with the leaves
and you and me
we’re frozen by first snow
spring will bring something
maybe it’ll be new
maybe it’ll be borrowed
or maybe we’ll stay blue
we can’t have something old
not since winter grew so cold
frostbite took hold off my life
and broke it away from you
I’d rather be cold
than heated and alone
I’d rather be frozen
than in this fucking oven
waiting for the timer to ding
for you to stick a thermometer in
to check see if I’m ready
but remember you don’t want me
9/1/2007
anger seethes and brews and burns
one more fucking lesson learned
lost a job and lost my mind
thought a girl could make me fine
lost some friends and went crazy
thought some fucking girl could save me
lost the girl and what now?
I’ve learned the fucking truth
life ain’t just some race to wed
or take some pretty face to bed
life is a fucking battle
we lose and lose and lose
and then
we win
stand tall over everything
head high in the sky
eyes burning opened wide
bring me that horizon
it’s my fucking time to shine
one more fucking lesson learned
lost a job and lost my mind
thought a girl could make me fine
lost some friends and went crazy
thought some fucking girl could save me
lost the girl and what now?
I’ve learned the fucking truth
life ain’t just some race to wed
or take some pretty face to bed
life is a fucking battle
we lose and lose and lose
and then
we win
stand tall over everything
head high in the sky
eyes burning opened wide
bring me that horizon
it’s my fucking time to shine
8/25/2007
I’m the kind you hide away
save up for a raining day
then use me ‘til there’s barely
anything left to be said
baby, you could leave me for dead
baby, you could stomp in my head
baby, you could do so many things
and I’d hardly be feeling
anything
men live to get thicker skin
I tried keeping you out
I liked you better in
but then again
you keep on leaving
so why bother being
bothered when you’re not around
save up for a raining day
then use me ‘til there’s barely
anything left to be said
baby, you could leave me for dead
baby, you could stomp in my head
baby, you could do so many things
and I’d hardly be feeling
anything
men live to get thicker skin
I tried keeping you out
I liked you better in
but then again
you keep on leaving
so why bother being
bothered when you’re not around
8/15/2007
mama, I’m worried about him
because I always feel in the wrong
but I haven’t done anything
literally
sitting in the basement
stewing in my distresses
and working daily for new lessons
all kinds of lives to live
but with him
I feel like a villain in this skin
like brotherly love isn’t enough
and brotherly spite
it fucking bites
and I haven’t the will to bite back
maybe I’m seeing things that aren’t really there
maybe he’s so distant that he doesn’t even care
when I’m distressed
or when I’m worried or when he’s missed
but the truth is
it’s lonely in this house
and I’m here almost every day
I just want an escape
from being on my own
I want my brother to come home
--
is it wrong
that I look forward to burning my fingerprints off?
a day of labor that leaves me near dead
sits so much better when I lay in this bed
than a day where I kick back and “relax”
there’s no relief in sheets
when I didn’t work for my sleep
I’d much rather be drenched in dish water
or burned from coffee and grills
or cut from knives
or frozen from a walk-in fridge
than pretend I’m tired
when I did nothing all day.
because I always feel in the wrong
but I haven’t done anything
literally
sitting in the basement
stewing in my distresses
and working daily for new lessons
all kinds of lives to live
but with him
I feel like a villain in this skin
like brotherly love isn’t enough
and brotherly spite
it fucking bites
and I haven’t the will to bite back
maybe I’m seeing things that aren’t really there
maybe he’s so distant that he doesn’t even care
when I’m distressed
or when I’m worried or when he’s missed
but the truth is
it’s lonely in this house
and I’m here almost every day
I just want an escape
from being on my own
I want my brother to come home
--
is it wrong
that I look forward to burning my fingerprints off?
a day of labor that leaves me near dead
sits so much better when I lay in this bed
than a day where I kick back and “relax”
there’s no relief in sheets
when I didn’t work for my sleep
I’d much rather be drenched in dish water
or burned from coffee and grills
or cut from knives
or frozen from a walk-in fridge
than pretend I’m tired
when I did nothing all day.
8/2/2007
I’ll grow up one day
buy a house and a dog and some kids
save fine china and sleep in a bed
queen sized and filled with a wife
I’ll have a job that provides
brings home the bacon each night
I’ll grow up one day
just you wait
wait and see
I’ll grow up one day
run each morning to keep in shape
drink protein and eat healthily
live right and sleep 8 hour nights
three food pyramid meals a day
and nothing bad for me
I’ll grow up one day
just you wait
wait and see
I’ll grow up one day
and miss these childish weeks
spent hunting wants and not needs
throwing money off buildings
hoping it photographs stylishly
no more free of care feelings
I’ll grow up one day
just you wait
wait and see
I’ll grow up one day
and maybe fail miserably
find me sitting next to the street
begging for an ounce of your pity
no more pride to comfort me
I’ll be broken and diseased
I’ll grow up one day
just you wait
wait and see
I’ll grow up one day
and maybe be something great
or maybe be nothing at all
it’s just a matter of time until
I’m gray haired and over the hill
it’s a matter of time, ya know
I’ll grow up one day
just you wait
wait and see
--
I’ll light your cigarettes
tell you how pretty you are in the morning
look you in the eyes and smile
hold open every door I can reach
split the bill and cover the tip
order your favorite drinks
take you for a walk in the ocean
show you places no one else has been
fight with you until it doesn’t matter
make it as better as I can manage
take every punch as a love tap
scream when you drive me insane
and understand when you do the same
hide under the covers when you’re mad at me
make you breakfast every late morning
eat the food you cook for me
buy you books
read you to sleep
wrestle with you in snow, sheets, sand, and grass
help you when you’re too tired to move
listen listen listen
pull you close
kiss three times...slow
and drift away
buy a house and a dog and some kids
save fine china and sleep in a bed
queen sized and filled with a wife
I’ll have a job that provides
brings home the bacon each night
I’ll grow up one day
just you wait
wait and see
I’ll grow up one day
run each morning to keep in shape
drink protein and eat healthily
live right and sleep 8 hour nights
three food pyramid meals a day
and nothing bad for me
I’ll grow up one day
just you wait
wait and see
I’ll grow up one day
and miss these childish weeks
spent hunting wants and not needs
throwing money off buildings
hoping it photographs stylishly
no more free of care feelings
I’ll grow up one day
just you wait
wait and see
I’ll grow up one day
and maybe fail miserably
find me sitting next to the street
begging for an ounce of your pity
no more pride to comfort me
I’ll be broken and diseased
I’ll grow up one day
just you wait
wait and see
I’ll grow up one day
and maybe be something great
or maybe be nothing at all
it’s just a matter of time until
I’m gray haired and over the hill
it’s a matter of time, ya know
I’ll grow up one day
just you wait
wait and see
--
I’ll light your cigarettes
tell you how pretty you are in the morning
look you in the eyes and smile
hold open every door I can reach
split the bill and cover the tip
order your favorite drinks
take you for a walk in the ocean
show you places no one else has been
fight with you until it doesn’t matter
make it as better as I can manage
take every punch as a love tap
scream when you drive me insane
and understand when you do the same
hide under the covers when you’re mad at me
make you breakfast every late morning
eat the food you cook for me
buy you books
read you to sleep
wrestle with you in snow, sheets, sand, and grass
help you when you’re too tired to move
listen listen listen
pull you close
kiss three times...slow
and drift away
7/31/2007
deathly terrified of the doubt and defeat
spending each second on someone else’s knees
don’t know if God would trust me
so could I borrow your faith, please?
here’s where the answers
and the questions face off
talking past midnight for too goddamn long
and eventually we’ll reach the moon
on a ladder of language
see me crawling past you
see you climbing over me
see us caught in the middle
seeing who gets to lead
oh it’s not fair but it feels too right
but words can’t replace
something tangible at night
my life is still the same old
get up get out go back
I’m asking for a change
but I don’t see it coming
give me something
to swallow up all this time
give me something
give me something on my mind
--
work these fingers to their bones
the feet creek whilst the floor boards groan
and I’m gone
in the tumult of this day to day routine
starting slow
but I’ll eventually be
so far from free it’s hard to see
where the sidewalks start to end
and the ocean might begin
used to be an easy view
before I swallowed my pride and accepted my dues
this is new
but I’m still old as fucking dirt
heavy hands and burnt finger tips
scalding skin might be worth a cent
I don’t know yet
but I’ll find out someday soon
spending each second on someone else’s knees
don’t know if God would trust me
so could I borrow your faith, please?
here’s where the answers
and the questions face off
talking past midnight for too goddamn long
and eventually we’ll reach the moon
on a ladder of language
see me crawling past you
see you climbing over me
see us caught in the middle
seeing who gets to lead
oh it’s not fair but it feels too right
but words can’t replace
something tangible at night
my life is still the same old
get up get out go back
I’m asking for a change
but I don’t see it coming
give me something
to swallow up all this time
give me something
give me something on my mind
--
work these fingers to their bones
the feet creek whilst the floor boards groan
and I’m gone
in the tumult of this day to day routine
starting slow
but I’ll eventually be
so far from free it’s hard to see
where the sidewalks start to end
and the ocean might begin
used to be an easy view
before I swallowed my pride and accepted my dues
this is new
but I’m still old as fucking dirt
heavy hands and burnt finger tips
scalding skin might be worth a cent
I don’t know yet
but I’ll find out someday soon
7/29/2007 pt. 2
I won’t sleep tonight
another evening on the streets
found the best distress signal
fall at another girl’s feet
and watch the world fall apart
break my heart!
yeah break my fucking heart
cause I need a reason to drive away
it’s much better than pretending to stay
when my minds been gone for months
passenger side on a long long ride
and tomorrow I’ll be fine
tonight the lights are burning red
like the foul language within my head
but I’ll get over it
yeah I’ll get over it
wonder under this pale old moon
if the summer’s over
will I get renewed
or will I stew in the cooling fall
waiting for winter to freeze me whole
I don’t know
but I’m eager to find out
so let these seasons speed
through yellow lights to see
where we’re fucking headed
I think I finally get it
I never need to see the end
just take in all the pit stops
it’s worth the gas
(it’s worth the cash)
so let’s drive all night long
another evening on the streets
found the best distress signal
fall at another girl’s feet
and watch the world fall apart
break my heart!
yeah break my fucking heart
cause I need a reason to drive away
it’s much better than pretending to stay
when my minds been gone for months
passenger side on a long long ride
and tomorrow I’ll be fine
tonight the lights are burning red
like the foul language within my head
but I’ll get over it
yeah I’ll get over it
wonder under this pale old moon
if the summer’s over
will I get renewed
or will I stew in the cooling fall
waiting for winter to freeze me whole
I don’t know
but I’m eager to find out
so let these seasons speed
through yellow lights to see
where we’re fucking headed
I think I finally get it
I never need to see the end
just take in all the pit stops
it’s worth the gas
(it’s worth the cash)
so let’s drive all night long
7/29/2007
this is me down on my knees
begging God to reinstate
that promise that he made
that I’d end up ok
boundless optimism saves me
every night and every day
but these evenings keep on stretching
and I can’t find reason to stay
these minutes collect the seconds
and these months conduct the years
but the hours and the weeks
they continue to stalk me
haunting all my sidesteps
watching as I’m dressing
out the window in the trees
eyes all over me
oh please
let me consider myself in peace
there’s nothing wrong with being strong
there’s nothing wrong with being weak
there’s nothing wrong with you
and there’s nothing wrong with me
there’s something wrong with wanting
what we don’t really need
but we’ll grow out of it
in a couple of weeks
begging God to reinstate
that promise that he made
that I’d end up ok
boundless optimism saves me
every night and every day
but these evenings keep on stretching
and I can’t find reason to stay
these minutes collect the seconds
and these months conduct the years
but the hours and the weeks
they continue to stalk me
haunting all my sidesteps
watching as I’m dressing
out the window in the trees
eyes all over me
oh please
let me consider myself in peace
there’s nothing wrong with being strong
there’s nothing wrong with being weak
there’s nothing wrong with you
and there’s nothing wrong with me
there’s something wrong with wanting
what we don’t really need
but we’ll grow out of it
in a couple of weeks
7/24/2007
and I should never have mentioned
those little indiscretions
I thought I learned my lesson
keep my small thoughts in my head
they blow out of proportions
it’s all better kept unsaid
just find me on your doorstep
and call me to your bed
I’ll feel much better in the morning
these lonely nights are boring
lets try doing something
something new
baby darling sweet heart hon
shoot the moon or chase the sun
count the stars and airplane lights
touch the sky if you like
I just might give it a try
these week old feelings are waning
these month old lips are begging
for a little more attention
could you lend it?
a little more affection
and I’ll stop askin’
it’s not worth the mention
those little indiscretions
I thought I learned my lesson
guess I didn’t
could you forget I said a thing?
those little indiscretions
I thought I learned my lesson
keep my small thoughts in my head
they blow out of proportions
it’s all better kept unsaid
just find me on your doorstep
and call me to your bed
I’ll feel much better in the morning
these lonely nights are boring
lets try doing something
something new
baby darling sweet heart hon
shoot the moon or chase the sun
count the stars and airplane lights
touch the sky if you like
I just might give it a try
these week old feelings are waning
these month old lips are begging
for a little more attention
could you lend it?
a little more affection
and I’ll stop askin’
it’s not worth the mention
those little indiscretions
I thought I learned my lesson
guess I didn’t
could you forget I said a thing?
7/23/2007
like forest critters in the desert
caught in heat with feet sinking deep
in the sand to their ankles
to their necks
gasping for that burning breath
eyes wide open for an oasis
say they’ll make it
and parch their hollowed throats
--
I don’t want to breathe this in
I want to let the feelings sit
and bake in the summer sun
because this is far too much for one
but not enough for two
I can’t share you!
I want you all to myself
build me up
make my skin thick as bricks
so I can take it
this uncertainty every night
--
tell me a story
about the goods and the bads
because the rights and the wrongs
make the tales too damn long
and the true and the false
are bull shit and hogwash
so tell me a story
about what feels good
and where I should move
and what I should do
and scream in my ear
when the feelings are bad
cause it’s better to learn
and not fall asleep mad.
caught in heat with feet sinking deep
in the sand to their ankles
to their necks
gasping for that burning breath
eyes wide open for an oasis
say they’ll make it
and parch their hollowed throats
--
I don’t want to breathe this in
I want to let the feelings sit
and bake in the summer sun
because this is far too much for one
but not enough for two
I can’t share you!
I want you all to myself
build me up
make my skin thick as bricks
so I can take it
this uncertainty every night
--
tell me a story
about the goods and the bads
because the rights and the wrongs
make the tales too damn long
and the true and the false
are bull shit and hogwash
so tell me a story
about what feels good
and where I should move
and what I should do
and scream in my ear
when the feelings are bad
cause it’s better to learn
and not fall asleep mad.
7/21/2007
he doesn’t want to lay awake
crawling through this web of a bed
this cocoon of bed sheets
he doesn’t want to be here
oh please
he doesn’t want to sit and stew
brew and boil to an unhealthy hew
a heavy shade of green round the gills
it kills
sitting silent in the dimness
this basement is distilling
all the bubbles in his mind rise
pop at the top
see the suds in his eyes
glazed and disgraced
but he couldn’t tell you why
too many thoughts to carry through the days
spend all these nights the usual way
and wake up to a new earth shaking change
or so he hopes
on and on it goes
the same days stretch out
and his hands grow old
his mind stays fresh
untainted
maybe blessed
but the rest
well it’s gone to shit
crawling through this web of a bed
this cocoon of bed sheets
he doesn’t want to be here
oh please
he doesn’t want to sit and stew
brew and boil to an unhealthy hew
a heavy shade of green round the gills
it kills
sitting silent in the dimness
this basement is distilling
all the bubbles in his mind rise
pop at the top
see the suds in his eyes
glazed and disgraced
but he couldn’t tell you why
too many thoughts to carry through the days
spend all these nights the usual way
and wake up to a new earth shaking change
or so he hopes
on and on it goes
the same days stretch out
and his hands grow old
his mind stays fresh
untainted
maybe blessed
but the rest
well it’s gone to shit
7/14/2007
I still sleep
think only of defeat
and pretend that my head isn’t dead just yet
warding off a bitter end
wondering always
what’ll happen next
but I can’t predict the future
and I’m disgusted with the past
too many minutes to look back
and raise a single finger at
don’t believe me when I say
I know what I’m fucking saying!
don’t believe me when I say
anything to you.
hope this isn’t a crossroad
I’ll never know which way to turn
ingesting all these words
hoping they’ll be real for once
instead of some junk I made up
I’m tired of fire and brimstone
and soap in my mouth at all times
I just want to go one whole night
without someone hearing me wrong
it’s easy to misinterpret
what I claim to be my view
but it’s really just some bullshit
used to impress you.
wonder under the summer sun
sleep deeper when winter comes
spring and fall
don’t call at all
but I wouldn’t answer if they did
just let the machine get it
screen as they leave a message
listen half hearted
and delete it
cause I don’t need it
not today anyway.
--
I always want what I can’t get
because my timing is never right
wait a couple weeks and miss the chance
hold the hands
kiss the cheeks
but don’t feel a thing
because all that matters is what I want to feel right
it’s not what helps me fall asleep at night
because the music is different from the words that they say
so why even try to match up right these days
I’m tired of liars and feeling like one
because I’m trying for something I promised was done
I want to get to know you
I know everyone else so well
be something new to me
something I can learn
instead sitting in the basement
rewriting all the lessons
hoping there’s something in them
I don’t already know
think only of defeat
and pretend that my head isn’t dead just yet
warding off a bitter end
wondering always
what’ll happen next
but I can’t predict the future
and I’m disgusted with the past
too many minutes to look back
and raise a single finger at
don’t believe me when I say
I know what I’m fucking saying!
don’t believe me when I say
anything to you.
hope this isn’t a crossroad
I’ll never know which way to turn
ingesting all these words
hoping they’ll be real for once
instead of some junk I made up
I’m tired of fire and brimstone
and soap in my mouth at all times
I just want to go one whole night
without someone hearing me wrong
it’s easy to misinterpret
what I claim to be my view
but it’s really just some bullshit
used to impress you.
wonder under the summer sun
sleep deeper when winter comes
spring and fall
don’t call at all
but I wouldn’t answer if they did
just let the machine get it
screen as they leave a message
listen half hearted
and delete it
cause I don’t need it
not today anyway.
--
I always want what I can’t get
because my timing is never right
wait a couple weeks and miss the chance
hold the hands
kiss the cheeks
but don’t feel a thing
because all that matters is what I want to feel right
it’s not what helps me fall asleep at night
because the music is different from the words that they say
so why even try to match up right these days
I’m tired of liars and feeling like one
because I’m trying for something I promised was done
I want to get to know you
I know everyone else so well
be something new to me
something I can learn
instead sitting in the basement
rewriting all the lessons
hoping there’s something in them
I don’t already know
7/5/2007
baby you don’t need me
and I don’t need you at all
I don’t need the phone calls
or the angry heart to heart talks
I don’t need all the questions
where I’ve been and what I’m doing
I don’t need you in the evening
keeping me up ‘til well past two
baby I don’t need you
and you don’t need me at all
jealous at every turn
waiting strenuously for your call
wondering how many men
you have in the palm of your hand
whilst I wonder how many women
I’ve lost by taking you in
baby we don’t need this
this affection is such bullshit
all these children brewing feelings
not sure what to do with it
how many people sit lonely
and how many people fuck up
it’s too easy to break a heart
and it’s too hard to fall in love
--
I gave up on the good stuff
because it never feels right
and I gave up on the right stuff
cause it keeps me up at night
so I’m sticking with the wrong shit
the shit that leaves you cold
sitting in this darkness
waiting on growing old
withering in the dimness
and weakening in the light
fuck looking perfect
and fuck being all right
(fuck you too
goodnight)
and I don’t need you at all
I don’t need the phone calls
or the angry heart to heart talks
I don’t need all the questions
where I’ve been and what I’m doing
I don’t need you in the evening
keeping me up ‘til well past two
baby I don’t need you
and you don’t need me at all
jealous at every turn
waiting strenuously for your call
wondering how many men
you have in the palm of your hand
whilst I wonder how many women
I’ve lost by taking you in
baby we don’t need this
this affection is such bullshit
all these children brewing feelings
not sure what to do with it
how many people sit lonely
and how many people fuck up
it’s too easy to break a heart
and it’s too hard to fall in love
--
I gave up on the good stuff
because it never feels right
and I gave up on the right stuff
cause it keeps me up at night
so I’m sticking with the wrong shit
the shit that leaves you cold
sitting in this darkness
waiting on growing old
withering in the dimness
and weakening in the light
fuck looking perfect
and fuck being all right
(fuck you too
goodnight)
6/26/2007
it’s sad to see you go
cause now I’m really alone
going each night solo
no one to go to
sit back
chit chat
relax about the days
the wrongs within our lives
and how we can make them rights
the problems we chose to face
alone or side by side
hope I made a dent in your life
cause you’ve left a hole in mine
it doesn’t matter where you’re going
cause you’re leaving me behind
and don’t try to invite me over
because I need the time
I’ve got to accept your distance
after we’ve always been so close
and you can hate me for saying it
but it’s burnin’ in me so:
“don’t go”
at least not yet
I’m not ready to face the world
without my other half
my walking stick
my support system
shit
the only thing that ever mattered to me
I can’t stop you
if you choose to leave
but the truth is
I’m not ready
and I don’t know how you can be
cause now I’m really alone
going each night solo
no one to go to
sit back
chit chat
relax about the days
the wrongs within our lives
and how we can make them rights
the problems we chose to face
alone or side by side
hope I made a dent in your life
cause you’ve left a hole in mine
it doesn’t matter where you’re going
cause you’re leaving me behind
and don’t try to invite me over
because I need the time
I’ve got to accept your distance
after we’ve always been so close
and you can hate me for saying it
but it’s burnin’ in me so:
“don’t go”
at least not yet
I’m not ready to face the world
without my other half
my walking stick
my support system
shit
the only thing that ever mattered to me
I can’t stop you
if you choose to leave
but the truth is
I’m not ready
and I don’t know how you can be
6/25/2007
where have you been all my life?!
held inside this dipshit mind
run the circles
turn the wheels
keep pretending what’s real is real
and what’s fake
it ain’t so bad
but what’s fake
is all I have...left
been spending evenings
been spending days
been spending money
been spending time
and the more and more I try
the less and less I see
the closer I get to success
the closer I am to defeat
so climb up my back
and stand over my head
feet flat on my shoulders
see how high over
top of me you can be
hold me down for now
cause I haven’t the right to rise
hold me down for now
tomorrow I’ll be fine
heavy headed
keep pretending
it’ll be all right
but a wars a war
and a fights a fight
tonight
I don’t feel right
held inside this dipshit mind
run the circles
turn the wheels
keep pretending what’s real is real
and what’s fake
it ain’t so bad
but what’s fake
is all I have...left
been spending evenings
been spending days
been spending money
been spending time
and the more and more I try
the less and less I see
the closer I get to success
the closer I am to defeat
so climb up my back
and stand over my head
feet flat on my shoulders
see how high over
top of me you can be
hold me down for now
cause I haven’t the right to rise
hold me down for now
tomorrow I’ll be fine
heavy headed
keep pretending
it’ll be all right
but a wars a war
and a fights a fight
tonight
I don’t feel right
6/16/2007
how many enemies can one friend convert
stickin’ stones in the ground
laid to rest in the dirt
tired of trying to defy what is right
too many enemies to fall asleep at night
it ain’t fair
so lay down and lay awake
just accept
this is every fucking day
so silence yourself
keep the violence to a dull hum
before someone
thinks to fight back
you couldn’t last a second
without a moment to react
down for the count
knocked fucking out
ready to be buried and left
stand alone in the cold
feel the warmth in knowing you’re alone
but you’re not the only one
left without someone
to keep them safe
I stand alone in the cold
feel it biting at my soul
but I won’t let it inside
cause I’m still fucking alive
stickin’ stones in the ground
laid to rest in the dirt
tired of trying to defy what is right
too many enemies to fall asleep at night
it ain’t fair
so lay down and lay awake
just accept
this is every fucking day
so silence yourself
keep the violence to a dull hum
before someone
thinks to fight back
you couldn’t last a second
without a moment to react
down for the count
knocked fucking out
ready to be buried and left
stand alone in the cold
feel the warmth in knowing you’re alone
but you’re not the only one
left without someone
to keep them safe
I stand alone in the cold
feel it biting at my soul
but I won’t let it inside
cause I’m still fucking alive
6/12/2007
no more tens and no more twenties
spent my life savings on tryin’ to be funny
on trying to be attractive
and on trying to get the gist
but the fact of the moment is
I’m too full of shit
my words don’t hold lessons
my mind is distressing
and I’m too tired and angered
to speak without heat through my teeth
don’t know when it happened
don’t know how it started
but my mind departed
and my heart does all the talking
and since my heart keeps fucking breaking
there’s no giving and/or taking
it’s all hurt and pain each day
all fire and brimstone at night
always fight fight fight
like somehow I’ll be all right
but I don’t know how to
I can’t fix this shit on my own
I tried so damn hard
and I ended up alone
broken and sullen and depressed with myself
no body to tell me
you’ll be fine in time
no body to help me
to sit there at night
straight through to morning
hide the sun from my eyes
because sunrise kicks my ass
makes me remember what passed
and what stays in the past
I never want to listen
I never want to speak
I just want to be
complete
spent my life savings on tryin’ to be funny
on trying to be attractive
and on trying to get the gist
but the fact of the moment is
I’m too full of shit
my words don’t hold lessons
my mind is distressing
and I’m too tired and angered
to speak without heat through my teeth
don’t know when it happened
don’t know how it started
but my mind departed
and my heart does all the talking
and since my heart keeps fucking breaking
there’s no giving and/or taking
it’s all hurt and pain each day
all fire and brimstone at night
always fight fight fight
like somehow I’ll be all right
but I don’t know how to
I can’t fix this shit on my own
I tried so damn hard
and I ended up alone
broken and sullen and depressed with myself
no body to tell me
you’ll be fine in time
no body to help me
to sit there at night
straight through to morning
hide the sun from my eyes
because sunrise kicks my ass
makes me remember what passed
and what stays in the past
I never want to listen
I never want to speak
I just want to be
complete
6/2/2007
it’s about time I went home
and it’s about time I left home
because I can’t be with you anymore
and I can’t see myself on those floors
standing within those rooms
sleeping on those beds and couches
I can’t see me in these houses
this town is too old for me
or I’m too young to be
comfortable here
I’m trying to find an ocean
or looking to climb up a mountain
some cliche so astounding
when I come home
I’ll be brand new
someone they won’t recognize
someone I can use
cause this skin is lax and tired
these muscles are mush and weak
this tongue is dry
these eyes don’t cry
though I hear
I don’t listen all the time
maybe baby I’m dead wrong
and we belong
and I belong
in this town where I’ve grown
born again each week on these streets
finding confinement in this basement
living each evening
like tomorrow I’ll be leaving
and tonight has to last my whole life
is it so wrong
to want it all
and not want it at all?
--
I’ll be driving through the night
passing those state signs
welcoming me
and asking I keep it clean
recycle and keep the world ripe so
everything is perfect
for the next group of tourists
but my eyes are too tired to steer straight
and the cigarettes in the car windows glow
so bright they offset the headlights
see them hit the asphalt
it’s like fireworks are set off
and I swerve to avoid their dispersal
think I’m losing my mind in this car so
I’ll pull up to this rest stop
lay back and drift off
then get back on the road with the sun
--
you’re some kind of landmine
I wouldn’t dare move
an inch closer to you
I’ll tiptoe round your bedroom
and crawl along the walls
I can’t come in contact
cause I’m scared I’ll set you off
maybe I’m mistaken
and it’s safe to lay back down
but I won’t take my chances
I’ll just wait this out
and it’s about time I left home
because I can’t be with you anymore
and I can’t see myself on those floors
standing within those rooms
sleeping on those beds and couches
I can’t see me in these houses
this town is too old for me
or I’m too young to be
comfortable here
I’m trying to find an ocean
or looking to climb up a mountain
some cliche so astounding
when I come home
I’ll be brand new
someone they won’t recognize
someone I can use
cause this skin is lax and tired
these muscles are mush and weak
this tongue is dry
these eyes don’t cry
though I hear
I don’t listen all the time
maybe baby I’m dead wrong
and we belong
and I belong
in this town where I’ve grown
born again each week on these streets
finding confinement in this basement
living each evening
like tomorrow I’ll be leaving
and tonight has to last my whole life
is it so wrong
to want it all
and not want it at all?
--
I’ll be driving through the night
passing those state signs
welcoming me
and asking I keep it clean
recycle and keep the world ripe so
everything is perfect
for the next group of tourists
but my eyes are too tired to steer straight
and the cigarettes in the car windows glow
so bright they offset the headlights
see them hit the asphalt
it’s like fireworks are set off
and I swerve to avoid their dispersal
think I’m losing my mind in this car so
I’ll pull up to this rest stop
lay back and drift off
then get back on the road with the sun
--
you’re some kind of landmine
I wouldn’t dare move
an inch closer to you
I’ll tiptoe round your bedroom
and crawl along the walls
I can’t come in contact
cause I’m scared I’ll set you off
maybe I’m mistaken
and it’s safe to lay back down
but I won’t take my chances
I’ll just wait this out
5/31/2007
I can’t go home tonight
there’s too many things to hide
too many rules to break
might as well wait
for sunrise
I can’t face you in the morning
so I’ll wait all day
maybe you’ll simmer
or maybe boil over
either way
I’ll wait all day
I won’t answer your call
I can’t see you at work
find me on my break and
I’ll break away from you
I don’t want to talk
I want to hide it all
don’t force it out
I’ll hold this in my mouth
secrets secrets secrets
shredding my head and chest
if you want to know so bad
I should just give into it
and tell the truth
but I look at you
and you stare straight faced at me
and you don’t fucking see
it’s killing me...
loving you so much
--
it’s morning
but I don’t want it to be
the night
didn’t sit too right
I’m waiting in the kitchen
frying up our breakfast
and the sizzle
kills the silence
and I thank it
cause you really killed the mood
said “the sunrise came too soon”
and I realized
me and you
there’s no “we” in your eyes
one night for all time
that’s all you thought
but I know it’s not enough
and the eggs are almost done
so when I switch off the stove
the silence grows
it’s choking me slow
I’m breathing
but hardly enough for us both
to say what we want
so you talk
then you’re off
on your own way
there’s too many things to hide
too many rules to break
might as well wait
for sunrise
I can’t face you in the morning
so I’ll wait all day
maybe you’ll simmer
or maybe boil over
either way
I’ll wait all day
I won’t answer your call
I can’t see you at work
find me on my break and
I’ll break away from you
I don’t want to talk
I want to hide it all
don’t force it out
I’ll hold this in my mouth
secrets secrets secrets
shredding my head and chest
if you want to know so bad
I should just give into it
and tell the truth
but I look at you
and you stare straight faced at me
and you don’t fucking see
it’s killing me...
loving you so much
--
it’s morning
but I don’t want it to be
the night
didn’t sit too right
I’m waiting in the kitchen
frying up our breakfast
and the sizzle
kills the silence
and I thank it
cause you really killed the mood
said “the sunrise came too soon”
and I realized
me and you
there’s no “we” in your eyes
one night for all time
that’s all you thought
but I know it’s not enough
and the eggs are almost done
so when I switch off the stove
the silence grows
it’s choking me slow
I’m breathing
but hardly enough for us both
to say what we want
so you talk
then you’re off
on your own way
5/14/2007
these weeks are catching up to me
and I’m starting to lose my step
wandered off the right path
must have taken the wrong left
but these legs get so damn tired
and these feet are sore and blistered
so whisper
a little serenade to me
so I can sleep
and not wake up on my feet
you can promise me a safe escape
a quiet hide out
let’s run away
you can promise me
but I know that you won’t stay
but I can hold my own weight
every night through each day
I stand whenever I get the chance
and I crawl when the walls clench in
grit my teeth and seethe the heat
that grows from in my gut
I have tried to cool this burning soul
through feeling empty
and filling holes
but I know
I’m not whole
evening to sunrise
I’ve been feeling alive
cause the night time
fills my head with words unsaid
or better left dead
so when I wake up in the morning
there’s no regret
I get up and get on with it
--
you listen but you miss it when I say
the most important thoughts all pass away
past your ears and into somewhere near
but never where I wanted them to land
so reach out for my hand
I’ll present whatever I can
in hopes it’s enough to show up
whatever and ever you think to be better
because I never
understood what could be true
or false when looking at you
one big grey blank stare
eyes to eyes
the smiles were there
and the lips were willing to hit
but well...
were you ready for it?
I think this seasons sting
will feel like something
I’ve never felt before
and I’ll wish to never feel it
again
or anymore
and I’m starting to lose my step
wandered off the right path
must have taken the wrong left
but these legs get so damn tired
and these feet are sore and blistered
so whisper
a little serenade to me
so I can sleep
and not wake up on my feet
you can promise me a safe escape
a quiet hide out
let’s run away
you can promise me
but I know that you won’t stay
but I can hold my own weight
every night through each day
I stand whenever I get the chance
and I crawl when the walls clench in
grit my teeth and seethe the heat
that grows from in my gut
I have tried to cool this burning soul
through feeling empty
and filling holes
but I know
I’m not whole
evening to sunrise
I’ve been feeling alive
cause the night time
fills my head with words unsaid
or better left dead
so when I wake up in the morning
there’s no regret
I get up and get on with it
--
you listen but you miss it when I say
the most important thoughts all pass away
past your ears and into somewhere near
but never where I wanted them to land
so reach out for my hand
I’ll present whatever I can
in hopes it’s enough to show up
whatever and ever you think to be better
because I never
understood what could be true
or false when looking at you
one big grey blank stare
eyes to eyes
the smiles were there
and the lips were willing to hit
but well...
were you ready for it?
I think this seasons sting
will feel like something
I’ve never felt before
and I’ll wish to never feel it
again
or anymore
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