4/23/2010

I’m tired of lack of trust
this feeling in my heart
it’s just
it’s just too much
or not enough
I don’t know the proper way to say
how to measure
scale out and proportion
this version of myself isn’t well
it’s not ill but it isn’t sitting straight
tilting and hunched over
I know
once upon a colder time
when the wind stung my lips
and my eyes were watering
when my cheeks were taught and my jaw was clenched
when my hair was long and my skin was thin
when I crossed a campus well before the sun
when I left the feeling of feeling alone
reveled in the morning
no mourning solitude
I was proud of myself
I used to
be proud of myself.
--
tired all the time
I’m tired of this mind
focused on the colder winds
or the sunburn over the shining
nothing seems to fit on me
I hold this soul at arms length
nothing seems to be touching me
unless you’re within reach
I swallowed and I followed
pretending I was fine
I hunted and I wanted
pretending I was fine
I remember feeling better
I remember being fine
before this winter led to this spring
and I felt a fucking feeling
I’m still reeling
and I can’t seem to catch myself
I’ll trip and slip and rush through this
life that lies ahead
find a city that can cradle me
not fill me with disease
and fucking dread