2/18/2010

waking up with a heart that departs
stops every time I try to talk
walks out the room the second you walk in
because it’s easier to be feeling nothing
sitting on the ground pouring whatever’s in me
out
sitting and spitting lines into the sand
hoping the ocean erases them
take a second to breathe
and wonder about a week
so distant it may not have happened
find the resolve
to stand and walk
head to the ocean
head first and frozen
and cross to the other side
find myself a new life
in a country where there’s nothing for me
in a place so far from what I know
in a room with a view of a mountain or two
in the back of my mind where I built this new life
maybe I’ll be free of you
and you and you and you too
one day I’ll see my face
in the cracking surface of a frozen lake
with no ghosts by my side
just my eyes meeting my eyes
hard blue
and free of you
--
what do you know
what have you been through
what do you know
what can you do

this sense this feeling on my fucking chest
hands on the wall as I’m breathing in
forehead inching closer
because I'm losing the will to wait
and I’m losing the strength
to carry the weight
of every little thought I think
fist to the wall
and I’m not feeling anything
I’m standing here silent with a violent tongue
holding back the words I so desperately want
to scream at the top of my lungs

if you’re going to take me
take me whole
quit whittling me away every time I’m alone
don’t set me in the wild
with nothing but my brains
to keep this mind from trailing off
to fucking keep me sane
crawling along the surface
desperate to get to my feet
but something
fucking everything
is getting down on me

how do you fight off that feeling of loss
when the thing that you’re losing isn’t even gone
slowly but surely leaving you behind
how do you accept the dehiscence of a life
how do you fucking do it
how do you say goodbye
how do you fucking do it
how do you say goodbye