8/5/2010

still swinging at walls and shelves
when I’m feeling ill
when I’m feeling well
still burning and churning and turning
at every mention of the evenings
I spent wide awake
willing to wait
but never ready enough
for the break

still sick of rain and sunshine
still sick of living outside
still hiding under covers all day and night
I wonder when I’ll be alive enough to speak
tell your friends you want to be
on your own for a couple of weeks
I bet they won’t listen
I bet they come bangin’
at your old front door
I told my friends the bear minimum
and it maximized my alone time
work all day
skate all night
sleep until I feel
all right

drive this car too far
but I’ll always make it back
no matter how long it takes me
I know how strong it’ll make me
sang a song of sickness
a pocket full of lies
I trusted someone
believed in someone
and they pushed me aside

look me in the eyes
and tell me what you want
I’ll watch that mouth run dry
cause you’re still fucking lost
searching for something you won’t get
because if you try to find it
it won’t happen
it won’t happen
you can’t force it to exist

so cleverly defined in your mind
love isn’t just a look and find
it’s a fucking struggle
and you’re not able
to say a word
to keep it close
when was the last time you went home
with an honest smile behind those eyes
there’s an emptiness
in your heart
every night

good night.
--
I’m not in the mood to step outside
but I’m in no mood tonight
for this bed of mine
let’s sit on this floor
this stained carpet needs attention
and it could keep us up all night
I’m drunk and fucking angry
and who knows who you are tonight
just another face to push aside
in the morning
I’ll make breakfast
I’ll make small talk
and then I’ll walk
until I forget
where I was and who I was with

why do I always forget
that I’m not really into this?
these sweat soaked sheets and short breaths
these awkward nights of unrest
I used to think there was release
in skin to skin and being free
and now I’m starting to see
it’s nothing but
body heat

I’m going cold.