11/22/2011

I am breathless in the morning
dead eyed at the dawn
there’s a city ripe for wandering
and I won’t remain for long
these nights are spent out of my head
without the proper words to say
just hiding in someone’s skin
whilst my mind drifts further away

call me to those old roads home
with blurred vision and a song in my throat
the sun is up enough to fill my lungs
there’s a warmth I’m eating up
I don’t feel too put together but
I’ve sure as hell been more torn apart
are we a mess of flesh
or a breath of rest
I don’t want to get
caught up in this
web of intent affection and time spent
building up to a break
and so
I will not stay

the sun is up and my engines hum
is keeping my eyes wide
for now...

11/10/2011

you’ll have to excuse me
stepping out for a week
getting out of this city
and heading for heat
this weather is waning
bearing down on me
and these country roads home
are too dark to see
I need a sunrise
to match my wild eyes
concerned with the world elsewhere
while my body is stiffening
frozen and grounded here
before long these roads will be covered
and I’ll be trapped in this haven called home
it’s the only place that I know
I'm seeking somewhere else to go.

11/4/2011

I needed you
not like I thought I did
holding on to someone who wouldn’t give
anything
because love was never on your mind
I needed you
to ruin my life
because it wasn’t right
I wasn’t doing anything right

walking the same streets
taking the same roads
never feeling at home
I needed the means to leave
I needed to be
completely
dissatisfied with myself and my state
I needed the drive to drive myself away
you gave that to me

I don’t want to run into you
when I’m wandering through this town
I’ll stick to my side of the road
and I won’t cross if I know
you could be on the other side
why confront what I don’t want?
moved on and grew up
I’m not saying I don’t give a fuck
but the fuck that I give
just isn’t enough
to call and catch up
don’t call to catch up
don’t call to catch up
don’t call to catch up
it’s not enough

I’ll miss this city
but I won’t miss you
I’ll miss this city
but I won’t miss you
I won’t miss you.

10/18/2011

conflicting visions and closing walls
if this floor could talk
it would tell you to
get the fuck off
a mess of skin and sin
a room of misuse
too many faces to register
and I hate you
I hate you.

lost in late night crawls
spitting game for the sake of spitting game
you know you won’t gain
anything
this city is a sentencing
you’re doomed to go it alone
one night to forget your life
and tomorrow it’s back to the grind.

in search of the stairs
I want the fuck out of here
this room is diseased
and I just want to leave
caught in the current
of rhythm and intent
the deep heaving breaths
this life looks like death
and I don’t want it
I want nothing to do
with this fucking room
and I want nothing to do
with any of you.

9/27/2011

awake, standing outside
confused by the view
content to pretend
I mean something to you
well past 1:00 am
but I’m too awake to sedate
to lie down and ignore
the absence of your skin
to crawl to my room
and pretend I’m amused
by the depravity that keeps me at odds with myself
the mess of distress that I bury with wealth
with hours of labor and a cozey paycheck
this dangerous livelihood has me content
I’m nowhere near ecstatic
but I never really expected
anything other than a dull day to day
with a change time and again
but I
I haven’t strayed
following the same roads
carried by the same flow
pulled by an undertow
adrift in my cold home
I think I’ll go
further away every day
until I can say
this
this right here
this is where I should be.
--
I see your naked body again
remembered slightly blurred
because oh how the drinks work
I see your naked body curled
in bed with someone else
and I can tell
it’s better without your scent
the graze of your skin and your breath
but something inside me relents
something inside me regrets
I get
this feeling of distress
and I miss
your scent and your skin and your breath

though I know too well
you’re better left to the wolves
and it’s hell
feeling the way that I should

content to contend with the life I lead
battling day times while night time puts me
at odds with my own self reliance
eager to confide in another
be it stranger, lover, brother
best friend or long lost bed fellow
I need somewhere new to go
these streets are overloaded with memories
and all I ever seem to see
are the eyes that closed when they met mine
before drifting off to sleep

I’d bury my face in your chest once more
if it meant I could catch my breath
disinterest is filling these lungs
and I want
to let it out
proud and loud
the dissatisfaction I’m feeling
I’m reeling
I’m losing myself in myself

I used to know me so well.

9/2/2011

fill the page with rage and say
what never should have been said
replace my face and shy away from my name
was I ever in your head?
these city lights are burning bright enough to cast a glare
I haven’t quite the convalescence to stand and scowl and stare
sick of your disinterest
erasing and replacing the past
filling all your evenings with
that which never lasts
guiding those eyes to walls
you declare you won't be confined by
well aware of the world outside
but you’d rather stay
in your mind
right?
--
I can’t pretend
well, I can
but I shouldn’t
I shouldn’t pretend.

8/21/2011

tracing your face in the remains of your scent
gathered on the pillow where you placed your head
the memories never seem to live up to the event
and the retellings are too brief
to do anything but be
an escape from the mundane
the lack thereof of your frame
garnered in blankets
overflowing with flames

wandering through work shifts
and suppressing the dissent
that wells up from within
when someone is stuck without
there’s no touch
no shared breath
no affection
and no rest
just empty sleep
to try and be
close to ok through the days

sometimes it’s better
to try and forget her
and sometimes
it just doesn’t work
sometimes
it just fucking hurts.

8/12/2011

I’ll be this way
for days and days
wandering back rooms and side bars
waiting on curbs for strange cars
seeking sordid evenings
with strangers and bad blood
looking for likenesses
of people I once loved
hiding in the past
hiding from the past
a ghost in a city
close enough to feel at home
but as far as can be
from what I know
--
you were a breath on my neck
a whisper in my ever attentive ears
you were nothing and then all
I could eat sleep breathe believe
and then
it was back to the mundane
and I
I can barely remember anything
--
this is longing
this is strain
this is too much to explain
this stress is all that I have left
and I can’t catch my breath
this is heaven on earth
and that’s what makes it hurt
I am hellbound
burned by the blessed
I am cursed
I am worse than the worst.
--
face to the wall
I won’t talk
make eye contact
do anything
at all
just keep my face
to the wall.

7/7/2011

baby, you’re a bad match
you won’t light
can’t burn out
no fire to fuel your desires
so go let yourself be
discarded on the streets
won’t strike or spark
so don’t start
just remain as you are
flimsy
ready to be
refuse
washed off with the rain.

7/3/2011

I can’t remember what it felt like
how it was when you used to be mine
oh I never claimed ownership
not so bold to grab hold
but we spoke in pluralities
considered more than one self
there were nights when sleep came easy
and nights I’d lay on my side
my eyes wide
hesitant to toss and turn
you didn’t want to be disturbed
I can’t remember
what kept me up those nights

the closest I get
to remembering how it
felt to be feeling for someone else
is the nights that I drive
until I feel a little alive
lost past midnight
on a road I barely know

you used to be
so far from me
worth every mile for a time
but looking back
I’ve realized
the times I felt the most peace
I was driving to or from you
on those streets.

6/14/2011

I could forget you if I wanted
the decisions been made time and again
to push that face out of my head
erase that sour voice from my mind
I find
I’m a little further from fine every time
I try
to fill that empty bed feeling
to replace the weight of your face on my face
your lips to my lips
I forget
why I let myself get so into it
I forget
why I’m so desperate to forget
but I remember
every breath I took as you curled up next to me
said in ten minutes
you’d be sick of the closeness
you’d roll over and sleep on your own
but I woke up with the sun
and you hadn’t budged
never felt better when I slept in your bed
waking with nothing but peace in my head
then it left
and I wish I’d
forget
guess it’s not so easy
the decisions been made time and again
can’t push that face out of my head
erase that sour voice from my mind
I find
I’m a little further from fine every time
I try.

5/11/2011

why try to be all smiles and sunshine
when the world outside is all doom and gloom
laying in bed with the covers tucked tight
waiting all day for the falling of night
I live a night life honey
and I’ll cruise these roads until I know
I’ve found a mouth worth kissing
and I can finally stop missing
you

5/10/2011

nights like these. speaking to the sidewalks. waiting for the streets. to get back to me. haunting this hometown. like a ghost who never knew. safe haven or where to rest sound. kicking over trash cans and running out in front of cars. general disarray keeping this mind awake. midnight leads to morning. and the six hours between are blurred. caught on distance and dissent. and nothing learned. kick these feet up the curb. fall face flat but I’m not hurt. it’s a wicked way to live. when you haven’t the heart to give. a single shit about the town you live in. and I’m forever eager to escape. begging for time zones. to give me back days. I’m missing out on hours. I’d give anything to replay. take old roads until I’m home. though home may not exist. at least if I never find it. I’ll know why I feel like this.

5/5/2011

Stepping from the porch
‘cross the lawn
to the street
there’s an evening that’s leaving
some unevenness in me
wander these roads knowing when I head home
it’s the very last place I want to go
take these keys and drive this car
as far from myself as can be
make this town a past tense
and this night a memory
or something less
so when I rest
I’m not tossing and turning this room
trying to find traces of you
some lingering scent on my jacket
or some words you didn’t know how to say
forever suppressing expression
driving any emotion away
I’d rather sleep on these streets
behind the wheel in the summer heat
than attempt to remember a face
too afraid to lay
and be at peace
too afraid to feel
anything

4/28/2011

I believe in crushed teeth
fire wide eyes and uneven breaths
running until feet are too sore to shift
and these ankles are aching for change
rage under pain under insane claims
and distrust of every face in the room
hiding this mind from these eyes I once knew
I knew nothing and now I am through
sick of convincing myself to trust
I’d rather be driven by degradation and lust
than living this moral, righteous life
standing above and beyond those I once
felt some connection to
age is attacking my sense of distress
my ability to lash out and destroy
I’d rather sit silent than let violence consume
control my any and every move
fists turn to forgiveness
open palmed because I wish that
there was more to express than the rage in my chest
the awful confrontation of silence and seething
these teeth need to stop being clenched
whether they melt out my mouth or disappear in my head
I need to speak easy again
no longer grating my words as they pass
through these devilishly tight pearly whites
no longer focusing fire from my eyes
I’ll see this life without such bright lights
existing through the night time
soothing this sordid mind
I decline
I refuse to admit my abuse
I will bear this
without falter or complaint
maybe I’ll murder my mind given time
or maybe I’ll turn up a saint
let’s see where this goes.

4/21/2011

a mess of distress and raw flesh
rubbing off skin
to see what lies beneath
gnawing at nails until cuticles crack
burrow tooth down to bone and see where it goes
deep breath
devour that epidermis
revealing what you’ve kept under covers
under clothes
under excuses and complaints
enough to keep your life on display
but not enough to ever be touched
walking on glass around the bedroom
hiding under bar stools and bad moods
something is sitting ill at ease
something is off and needs to be
freed
torn wide open to cover these walls
put up for show so the world finally knows
there’s not a damn thing beneath this heap
this mass of flesh and bone
nothing inside
did away with your life
from fear of being too well liked
--
always forgetting the strain
the eye-bulging, impulse-following pain
heart beating too many milliseconds to record
wondering what I do anything anymore for
beating fists and foreheads against walls
‘til they fall
and I’m bloody-knuckled and unconscious to boot
running these legs until the muscles are slack
unable to lift these feet
flat on this back
fighting the urge to break every window I see
throwing chairs at front doors
when I feel the drive to leave
taking cars up curbs and through store fronts
just to see
what would it do to me?
eager to be displeased
breed this insanity in me
eager to lash out and destroy
oh I am a sad, sad boy

4/19/2011

Wedded to an empty bed
and raising angry, distant kids
wonder where their mother is
wonder who their fathers been
all they see of me these weeks
pale skin and sunken eyes
scrubbing floors and repainting rooms
replacing every trace of you

here for a weekend and gone for a month
business as usual has eaten you up
we stopped buying toiletries
overstocked on complimentary
coffee cups, shampoo, slippers, robes
single blade razors
nail clippers
bars of soap

I’m been tallying finances and collecting loose change
a little something here and there
to feel more secure or safe
working and cooking and sleeping
for what it’s worth
but nothing
not a damn thing I try
seems to work

sitting on bar stools stealing smiles from old flames
people calling me out
always saying I’ve changed
my left hand is weighted
this ring turned to a chain
and I’m begging to hide it
not explain it
away

still sitting on the porch with a bouquet at my feet
still smiling like a child when you step out the taxi
still eager to speak before you fall asleep
though different time zones are getting to me
still buying you drinks when you’re here for the week
still joking that maybe this time you won’t leave
still telling you that, yes, I am still happy
though different time zones are eating through me

counting a marriage by miles
most couples tally their years
how long is too long?
how far is too far?
and do you
oh do you
wish you were here?

4/12/2011

Wake up with a throat full of blood
spit dissent in an attempt to get it up
choking close to the window
head goes straight through
i’m losing my cool

I need to breathe something different for once
this air is aching in my chest
and why do I hold out for this?
These mornings aren’t worth waking
these nights aren’t worth taking
head on and still strong
I want to be weak
snap this spine
and I’ll be fine
I’ll have an excuse
for feeling abused

method acting gets me nothing but a face
I’m eating evenings to swallow my disgrace
no safety in self assurance
no certainty in speaking my own mind
collect contusions on the front of my skull
from beating my own thoughts against the wall

these nights this town
these faces around
I’m feeling old
done with everyone I know
even more so with those I don’t
I’m too tired to move
and too tired of you
too damn awake to take anything in stride
I’m breaking through this state line
and rearranging my life

I’m fucking out.

4/6/2011

I’ve been to too many bars
and had too little to drink
it’s the same tastes of the same swill
mundane and I feel a little ill
relishing every step to the car
the fresh air
the cool breaths
the steam from my lips
as the cold sets back in
these days are bright and warm
and the night falls below
comfort levels
I’ve been eating evils
in an attempt to not feel blessed
filling late nights with parking lots
wheels on concrete or feet always taking me
away from the audience
the crowd and the silence
that keeps these lips straight and tight
eyes to the door and I’m holding my breath
offered a drink and I shook my head
I waved my hand
graciously admitted that
I’m just not feeling it
this bar crawl back water living
barely working and hardly giving
two shits about much of anything
always drunk but never drinking
this mind is forever in a haze
staggering throughout these days
eager to lay
to curl up next to another
or fall face flat in the gutter
whichever feels better
when these cold nights weigh this life
when I’m just not feelin’ right.

3/9/2011

ran out of words. Lust for language has left me dry. Used to write like a wizard. Taking words and holding down each line. Wonder when rhyme scheme defined me. When I spoke in verse instead of words. Nothing seems to be complete. Unless the last syllables agree. Poured these words from glasses. Bought drinks when I didn’t want drinks at all. Just needed a reason for being so bitter. Sour drinks on an already embittered tongue. Spitting this vision of a disease ridden world. Blaming my disgust on everyone but myself. Here’s a lesson I was bound to learn in time. Wrote for too long and I used up my mind. Bound to burn out bone dry. Sought a sentence worth the mention. A collection of bombastic letters and lessons. Filling walls with words because paper can only hold so much. Decorate these rooms with misuse. Bad evenings I’m leaving in files and on pages. Who wants to document the good times. Collecting dejection and hating this essence. This soundness of mind that I just can’t define. I can’t find. I can’t seem to see anything. Salt in my mouth because the language dried out. Salt in my mouth because the language dried out. I won’t talk. I won’t ever be heard. No use in discussing the words no one ever learned. No use in sharing this disinterested mind. So ask how I am? I am fine. I am fine I am fine I am fine.

3/2/2011

Age is finally getting to me
my chest is sore from lack of sleep
or maybe from the visceral need
to find somewhere else to be
or my heart is bursting this skin
fractured sternum
and I’m having trouble breathing
my arms and my legs will whither and wait
for a day when they can get back their strength
my mind will reside in my stomach’s pit
and I’ll do my darnedest to get
a semblance of my self
an understanding of who am I and where I’ve been
and why I was there and am still here
what’s coming and going
what’s flowing upstream
which mornings are worth mentioning
and which are worth nothing
these nights these nights
these nights on the road
it’s the only place
I have left to go
taking the detour
I’m not lost anymore
I’m just bending each turn ‘til I recognize the signs
street names are old friends and this time
I’m not happy to see them
I wish that these evenings
didn’t feel the same
age is attacking me
and dammit
I could use a change.

12/30/2010

Touch the tip
of this index
finger
and stagger down to the palm
let these arms be dragged across
the walls
then let them fall
cause the strength isn’t in these wrists
I’m just not feeling it tonight
I’ve tried
damn near died
to hold you
but I just might
tonight
not want the touch
I don’t want to talk
I want to walk
until I can’t recall
what pushed me to the evening streets
and why I stare at the sky
utterly disgusted
with every body
that passes me
by
--
where’s the logic in longing
the desire to retire to bed

where are you in the evening
when I need to see your face
at the break of day

there’s never anything other than
this shallow skin I dress in
filling these sheets
with the stagnant air I breathe

shallow
fucking hollow
and ill at ease
yeah that’s me
shallow
fucking hollow
and ill at ease.

12/23/2010

I’ll take you through all the dark parts of this town
and see what the sun gives up
when it gives us
something new to look at
where have you been
since you forgot about friends
where did your heart go
when you were afraid to go home
I’m singing to the seasons
and I’m walking past the streets
searching for security
in oceans and trees
wading into waters that are too dirty to drink
I think
I’m trying to replace the space
that was occupied by your perfect face
in my mind
there’s a gap
a deep synapse
that I just can’t seem to fill
and it kills
knowing you’re not here for me
or with me
whichever one hurts worse

12/10/2010

I stopped listening to you well before you moved
yeah the sentences never seemed to sink in
wrote out the lines that I had on my mind
pretended they extended from your lips
full o’ shit
yeah I was oh so full o’ shit

it amazes me baby when I remember the best
moments I swore to high heaven to forget
sometimes I sleep and you creep into me
sometimes your memory infects my dreams
push that face away
I’m pushing that face away

don’t stand in the corner and talk to some friends
don’t down a few drinks and pretend you're content
standing on separate sides of the room
your eyes drift to my side and your feet
will keep pulling you to me
and the second
oh one second
you’ll be in arm’s reach
and me?
fuck that
I’ll leave

I don’t want your pity or touch
poisonous lips pressing words at my neck
you never shot for my ears
never stared straight in my eyes
pushed to the side
keep pushing me to the side
I don’t mind
I’m out of fucks to give

so I’m leaving
and I’m driving
and I’m dying
but it’s slow enough to ignore
I don’t notice anymore
how every day feels less okay
I’ve hit the grey
I may be at a standstill
but I’m still standing so
fuck you
fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou

12/5/2010

illicit attention but forget where it’s from
remember when you felt like
you were never wrong?
now the wrong outweigshs the rights
and the right turns every night
take you closer to home
than you wanted to go
take a left
there’s a road you haven’t traveled yet
take a detour
there must be more
to these back country landscapes that take
forever to return from
facing the moon and the sun
shunning one or the other
based on the day
there’s honesty hidden
behind that hard face
smile and fake it
or truly believe
there’s a reason to be
on these streets
going until you don’t know where you’re from
and no one
no one
knows your name.
--
I’m eager to leave this behind
forget these pipe dreams
get back to being
the standard of living
shifting through the days
right foot and then left foot
contained by the strain
I am holding and believing
that I really shouldn’t leave
there’s a home in here for me
oh believe
there’s a house to build and lead
oh believe
there’s a family to raise and praise
to carry every single weight
to find someone
to love someone
until the sun
eats everyone
oh believe
there’s something here for me.