9/27/2011

awake, standing outside
confused by the view
content to pretend
I mean something to you
well past 1:00 am
but I’m too awake to sedate
to lie down and ignore
the absence of your skin
to crawl to my room
and pretend I’m amused
by the depravity that keeps me at odds with myself
the mess of distress that I bury with wealth
with hours of labor and a cozey paycheck
this dangerous livelihood has me content
I’m nowhere near ecstatic
but I never really expected
anything other than a dull day to day
with a change time and again
but I
I haven’t strayed
following the same roads
carried by the same flow
pulled by an undertow
adrift in my cold home
I think I’ll go
further away every day
until I can say
this
this right here
this is where I should be.
--
I see your naked body again
remembered slightly blurred
because oh how the drinks work
I see your naked body curled
in bed with someone else
and I can tell
it’s better without your scent
the graze of your skin and your breath
but something inside me relents
something inside me regrets
I get
this feeling of distress
and I miss
your scent and your skin and your breath

though I know too well
you’re better left to the wolves
and it’s hell
feeling the way that I should

content to contend with the life I lead
battling day times while night time puts me
at odds with my own self reliance
eager to confide in another
be it stranger, lover, brother
best friend or long lost bed fellow
I need somewhere new to go
these streets are overloaded with memories
and all I ever seem to see
are the eyes that closed when they met mine
before drifting off to sleep

I’d bury my face in your chest once more
if it meant I could catch my breath
disinterest is filling these lungs
and I want
to let it out
proud and loud
the dissatisfaction I’m feeling
I’m reeling
I’m losing myself in myself

I used to know me so well.