4/27/2012

every now and again
you wake up and roll with it
every now and then
you don’t leave the bed
drawn under covers
like a current in the heat
carrying your body to
a place where you can’t sleep
just toss and toss and toss
and turn
until your eyes are wide
red and barely moving
focusing on nothing
but your breath is short again
can’t snore or sleep at ease
you hardly breathe
just lay in bed
wish her head
was on the pillow next to yours.
--
don’t buy me a drink
I’ll wave my hand to the door
I’ll take my feet and lift these
legs to get the hell away

finding the nighttime more welcoming
than the day I wandered in to escape
never catching a breath in the sun
I can see the words drifting off my tongue

collecting my memories in bottles and cans
half full or half empty
who gives a goddamn
I’m lost in the city without a care
nothing lurks in the shadows round here

crowds of young guns and no sign of old souls
I’m impressed and disgusted
by the lack of decay
this town could use a downpour
I’m not comfortable here anymore

wonder under this burning sun
sit and stare at this familiar moon
do you notice I’m gone
when I miss the hell out of you?
--
burning through the souls of my shoes
burying my face in the remains of your scent
when I crawl home half past dead
I wear my jacket whenever I can
cause it reminds me of the mess of a man
I am
carrying a drink in my pocket
carrying a scowl on my face
breaking the law if I feel too comfortable
I need to be foul now and again
a collection of literature
hides under my bed
always eager to expound upon
but I never read them
playing a role because I can’t find my soul
I knew I left something back home
packed too fast and bolted out the door
now here I am
don’t know why the hell for
but here I am
I’ll stick it out for as long as I can.

4/26/2012

forgetting the reasons for being ill at ease
the air in this town is burning through me
the suns on my neck and constricting this skin
I’m breathing
at least I think that I am
faces replacing the names I once knew
held on for too long
to feeling misused
content with contention
and always eager to interact
raise levels and spit evils
until there are no evils left
just a lack of vision
no more words to say
dried out every argument
til we could only walk away
never in the wrong or right
just vicious spats every single night
cause hey
that’s life
at least we did something with ourselves.
--
take my baby blues, baby
pop them bastards right out my head
don’t want to look around this room
at these winos all half past dead
1:30 AM and I just got my first drink
last call, I order five
lord knows I got to drive
but I’ll sit on the curb
smoke my weekly cigarette
steady my hand
and catch my breath
pretend I’m content
pretend I found it
that home I’ve been hunting for months
fuckin’ years
pretend it’s here
then I’ll take up my legs
carry my frame to my car
slam the door and punch the roof
crank the blues and wander through
back roads I don’t know yet
but I’m getting it
there’s a level of comfort
creeping through the south
it followed me down
and I’m almost proud
close to ecstatic
to say
I’m here to stay
well
I will be eventually
right now
I’m drunk at 3 AM
driving to a bed I barely fit in
hiding my eyes from my family and friends
begging this city to be cold again
this heat
it’s gettin’ to me.

4/25/2012

losing my voice in a room full of noise
overflowing with violence
there’s silence on my tongue
breathing for this evening
tomorrow my throat will close
irritated to the point of sedation
but I’m not running home

sitting on a curb in a city I don’t know
unfamiliar with the buildings
the street urchins aren’t disgusting
there’s cleanliness in this
I’m used to diseased streets
this town isn’t a shit show
and I don’t feel at home

bar crawls used to be a gamble
the wrong corner or door could be death
you wandered an alley and came out unscathed
no clue how you managed to survive the next day
there was a time
there was a life
rough and disgusting
never, ever trusting
traffic lights or strangers in the night
there was a life

4/19/2012

wake up with the shakes
don’t know which breath to take
cause the more these words escape
the less I sleep

drawn out and on the dime
told my momma I’m feelin’ fine
but I’m always checkin’ the time
I don’t wanna leave

oh maybe it’s me
but I’d bet money
it’s not just me
so maybe it’s you
but you haven’t a clue
what the hell to do
so maybe it’s us
oh maybe it’s we
baby, plurality
crept in between
when did you and me
turn into we?

I could use a drink
or I could take a drive
anything to put
these thoughts out my mind
I could sing a song
or I could write a line
anything to put
these thoughts out my mind

11/22/2011

I am breathless in the morning
dead eyed at the dawn
there’s a city ripe for wandering
and I won’t remain for long
these nights are spent out of my head
without the proper words to say
just hiding in someone’s skin
whilst my mind drifts further away

call me to those old roads home
with blurred vision and a song in my throat
the sun is up enough to fill my lungs
there’s a warmth I’m eating up
I don’t feel too put together but
I’ve sure as hell been more torn apart
are we a mess of flesh
or a breath of rest
I don’t want to get
caught up in this
web of intent affection and time spent
building up to a break
and so
I will not stay

the sun is up and my engines hum
is keeping my eyes wide
for now...

11/10/2011

you’ll have to excuse me
stepping out for a week
getting out of this city
and heading for heat
this weather is waning
bearing down on me
and these country roads home
are too dark to see
I need a sunrise
to match my wild eyes
concerned with the world elsewhere
while my body is stiffening
frozen and grounded here
before long these roads will be covered
and I’ll be trapped in this haven called home
it’s the only place that I know
I'm seeking somewhere else to go.

11/4/2011

I needed you
not like I thought I did
holding on to someone who wouldn’t give
anything
because love was never on your mind
I needed you
to ruin my life
because it wasn’t right
I wasn’t doing anything right

walking the same streets
taking the same roads
never feeling at home
I needed the means to leave
I needed to be
completely
dissatisfied with myself and my state
I needed the drive to drive myself away
you gave that to me

I don’t want to run into you
when I’m wandering through this town
I’ll stick to my side of the road
and I won’t cross if I know
you could be on the other side
why confront what I don’t want?
moved on and grew up
I’m not saying I don’t give a fuck
but the fuck that I give
just isn’t enough
to call and catch up
don’t call to catch up
don’t call to catch up
don’t call to catch up
it’s not enough

I’ll miss this city
but I won’t miss you
I’ll miss this city
but I won’t miss you
I won’t miss you.

10/18/2011

conflicting visions and closing walls
if this floor could talk
it would tell you to
get the fuck off
a mess of skin and sin
a room of misuse
too many faces to register
and I hate you
I hate you.

lost in late night crawls
spitting game for the sake of spitting game
you know you won’t gain
anything
this city is a sentencing
you’re doomed to go it alone
one night to forget your life
and tomorrow it’s back to the grind.

in search of the stairs
I want the fuck out of here
this room is diseased
and I just want to leave
caught in the current
of rhythm and intent
the deep heaving breaths
this life looks like death
and I don’t want it
I want nothing to do
with this fucking room
and I want nothing to do
with any of you.

9/27/2011

awake, standing outside
confused by the view
content to pretend
I mean something to you
well past 1:00 am
but I’m too awake to sedate
to lie down and ignore
the absence of your skin
to crawl to my room
and pretend I’m amused
by the depravity that keeps me at odds with myself
the mess of distress that I bury with wealth
with hours of labor and a cozey paycheck
this dangerous livelihood has me content
I’m nowhere near ecstatic
but I never really expected
anything other than a dull day to day
with a change time and again
but I
I haven’t strayed
following the same roads
carried by the same flow
pulled by an undertow
adrift in my cold home
I think I’ll go
further away every day
until I can say
this
this right here
this is where I should be.
--
I see your naked body again
remembered slightly blurred
because oh how the drinks work
I see your naked body curled
in bed with someone else
and I can tell
it’s better without your scent
the graze of your skin and your breath
but something inside me relents
something inside me regrets
I get
this feeling of distress
and I miss
your scent and your skin and your breath

though I know too well
you’re better left to the wolves
and it’s hell
feeling the way that I should

content to contend with the life I lead
battling day times while night time puts me
at odds with my own self reliance
eager to confide in another
be it stranger, lover, brother
best friend or long lost bed fellow
I need somewhere new to go
these streets are overloaded with memories
and all I ever seem to see
are the eyes that closed when they met mine
before drifting off to sleep

I’d bury my face in your chest once more
if it meant I could catch my breath
disinterest is filling these lungs
and I want
to let it out
proud and loud
the dissatisfaction I’m feeling
I’m reeling
I’m losing myself in myself

I used to know me so well.

9/2/2011

fill the page with rage and say
what never should have been said
replace my face and shy away from my name
was I ever in your head?
these city lights are burning bright enough to cast a glare
I haven’t quite the convalescence to stand and scowl and stare
sick of your disinterest
erasing and replacing the past
filling all your evenings with
that which never lasts
guiding those eyes to walls
you declare you won't be confined by
well aware of the world outside
but you’d rather stay
in your mind
right?
--
I can’t pretend
well, I can
but I shouldn’t
I shouldn’t pretend.

8/21/2011

tracing your face in the remains of your scent
gathered on the pillow where you placed your head
the memories never seem to live up to the event
and the retellings are too brief
to do anything but be
an escape from the mundane
the lack thereof of your frame
garnered in blankets
overflowing with flames

wandering through work shifts
and suppressing the dissent
that wells up from within
when someone is stuck without
there’s no touch
no shared breath
no affection
and no rest
just empty sleep
to try and be
close to ok through the days

sometimes it’s better
to try and forget her
and sometimes
it just doesn’t work
sometimes
it just fucking hurts.

8/12/2011

I’ll be this way
for days and days
wandering back rooms and side bars
waiting on curbs for strange cars
seeking sordid evenings
with strangers and bad blood
looking for likenesses
of people I once loved
hiding in the past
hiding from the past
a ghost in a city
close enough to feel at home
but as far as can be
from what I know
--
you were a breath on my neck
a whisper in my ever attentive ears
you were nothing and then all
I could eat sleep breathe believe
and then
it was back to the mundane
and I
I can barely remember anything
--
this is longing
this is strain
this is too much to explain
this stress is all that I have left
and I can’t catch my breath
this is heaven on earth
and that’s what makes it hurt
I am hellbound
burned by the blessed
I am cursed
I am worse than the worst.
--
face to the wall
I won’t talk
make eye contact
do anything
at all
just keep my face
to the wall.

7/7/2011

baby, you’re a bad match
you won’t light
can’t burn out
no fire to fuel your desires
so go let yourself be
discarded on the streets
won’t strike or spark
so don’t start
just remain as you are
flimsy
ready to be
refuse
washed off with the rain.

7/3/2011

I can’t remember what it felt like
how it was when you used to be mine
oh I never claimed ownership
not so bold to grab hold
but we spoke in pluralities
considered more than one self
there were nights when sleep came easy
and nights I’d lay on my side
my eyes wide
hesitant to toss and turn
you didn’t want to be disturbed
I can’t remember
what kept me up those nights

the closest I get
to remembering how it
felt to be feeling for someone else
is the nights that I drive
until I feel a little alive
lost past midnight
on a road I barely know

you used to be
so far from me
worth every mile for a time
but looking back
I’ve realized
the times I felt the most peace
I was driving to or from you
on those streets.

6/14/2011

I could forget you if I wanted
the decisions been made time and again
to push that face out of my head
erase that sour voice from my mind
I find
I’m a little further from fine every time
I try
to fill that empty bed feeling
to replace the weight of your face on my face
your lips to my lips
I forget
why I let myself get so into it
I forget
why I’m so desperate to forget
but I remember
every breath I took as you curled up next to me
said in ten minutes
you’d be sick of the closeness
you’d roll over and sleep on your own
but I woke up with the sun
and you hadn’t budged
never felt better when I slept in your bed
waking with nothing but peace in my head
then it left
and I wish I’d
forget
guess it’s not so easy
the decisions been made time and again
can’t push that face out of my head
erase that sour voice from my mind
I find
I’m a little further from fine every time
I try.

5/11/2011

why try to be all smiles and sunshine
when the world outside is all doom and gloom
laying in bed with the covers tucked tight
waiting all day for the falling of night
I live a night life honey
and I’ll cruise these roads until I know
I’ve found a mouth worth kissing
and I can finally stop missing
you

5/10/2011

nights like these. speaking to the sidewalks. waiting for the streets. to get back to me. haunting this hometown. like a ghost who never knew. safe haven or where to rest sound. kicking over trash cans and running out in front of cars. general disarray keeping this mind awake. midnight leads to morning. and the six hours between are blurred. caught on distance and dissent. and nothing learned. kick these feet up the curb. fall face flat but I’m not hurt. it’s a wicked way to live. when you haven’t the heart to give. a single shit about the town you live in. and I’m forever eager to escape. begging for time zones. to give me back days. I’m missing out on hours. I’d give anything to replay. take old roads until I’m home. though home may not exist. at least if I never find it. I’ll know why I feel like this.

5/5/2011

Stepping from the porch
‘cross the lawn
to the street
there’s an evening that’s leaving
some unevenness in me
wander these roads knowing when I head home
it’s the very last place I want to go
take these keys and drive this car
as far from myself as can be
make this town a past tense
and this night a memory
or something less
so when I rest
I’m not tossing and turning this room
trying to find traces of you
some lingering scent on my jacket
or some words you didn’t know how to say
forever suppressing expression
driving any emotion away
I’d rather sleep on these streets
behind the wheel in the summer heat
than attempt to remember a face
too afraid to lay
and be at peace
too afraid to feel
anything

4/28/2011

I believe in crushed teeth
fire wide eyes and uneven breaths
running until feet are too sore to shift
and these ankles are aching for change
rage under pain under insane claims
and distrust of every face in the room
hiding this mind from these eyes I once knew
I knew nothing and now I am through
sick of convincing myself to trust
I’d rather be driven by degradation and lust
than living this moral, righteous life
standing above and beyond those I once
felt some connection to
age is attacking my sense of distress
my ability to lash out and destroy
I’d rather sit silent than let violence consume
control my any and every move
fists turn to forgiveness
open palmed because I wish that
there was more to express than the rage in my chest
the awful confrontation of silence and seething
these teeth need to stop being clenched
whether they melt out my mouth or disappear in my head
I need to speak easy again
no longer grating my words as they pass
through these devilishly tight pearly whites
no longer focusing fire from my eyes
I’ll see this life without such bright lights
existing through the night time
soothing this sordid mind
I decline
I refuse to admit my abuse
I will bear this
without falter or complaint
maybe I’ll murder my mind given time
or maybe I’ll turn up a saint
let’s see where this goes.

4/21/2011

a mess of distress and raw flesh
rubbing off skin
to see what lies beneath
gnawing at nails until cuticles crack
burrow tooth down to bone and see where it goes
deep breath
devour that epidermis
revealing what you’ve kept under covers
under clothes
under excuses and complaints
enough to keep your life on display
but not enough to ever be touched
walking on glass around the bedroom
hiding under bar stools and bad moods
something is sitting ill at ease
something is off and needs to be
freed
torn wide open to cover these walls
put up for show so the world finally knows
there’s not a damn thing beneath this heap
this mass of flesh and bone
nothing inside
did away with your life
from fear of being too well liked
--
always forgetting the strain
the eye-bulging, impulse-following pain
heart beating too many milliseconds to record
wondering what I do anything anymore for
beating fists and foreheads against walls
‘til they fall
and I’m bloody-knuckled and unconscious to boot
running these legs until the muscles are slack
unable to lift these feet
flat on this back
fighting the urge to break every window I see
throwing chairs at front doors
when I feel the drive to leave
taking cars up curbs and through store fronts
just to see
what would it do to me?
eager to be displeased
breed this insanity in me
eager to lash out and destroy
oh I am a sad, sad boy