2/27/2010

last night I was told what I can and can’t feel
divining from my mind what’s real or not real
I sat in a room with a clear view of you
turning those eyes to anyone who
could keep you from turning to
me

sitting without limbs to hold onto
just a torso at a bar with a drink
no eyes to hide because the skull was gone
no mouth to shut off or tongue to bite on
no fingers to point or legs for escape
I was caught and I couldn’t do a goddamn thing

last night I was told what I can and can’t feel
I choose to feel nothing until it feels real
I’ll sit silent and livid until the fire is dead
I sit and keep drinking until this weight leaves my head
I’ll float through these rooms and ignore what feels true
and anything false, I’ll embrace and misuse

last night last night
in the back of my mind
sitting and singing until I could find
a time when this life was irrevocably mine
and I wasn’t living on someone else’ time
last night last night last night last night
I’ll feel however the hell I like

2/20/2010

there’s a face that’s on my mind
no angry eyes this time
no sickened grin to hide from
not a damn thing wrong with this one

you and I
let’s drive to the beach
when the weeks get too stretched
when the nights feel like shit
let’s escape from it
take these wheels to the interstate
cover the distance and try to relay
what’s feeling good
and maybe find
nothing feels wrong
for once in this life

I’ve got cash on hand and a smile to boot
times or tough but something new
makes the world less weighted
I’m not sitting and debating
I’m just saying
stay around for awhile
for now
and see
--
sing a song of longing
for a time when life was fine
just fine
not tearing the roof off the motherfucker
not beating us down like no other
let’s sit and bitch about everyone else
sit and get it off our chests
wonder under the weight of friends
fairweather and distant and put to rest
let’s get it all out of our systems
bask in the glow of letting go
sleep at ease
me next to you - you next to me
wake up bright in the morning
ready and reeling
to fight for this feeling
this feeling I’m not letting go

2/18/2010

waking up with a heart that departs
stops every time I try to talk
walks out the room the second you walk in
because it’s easier to be feeling nothing
sitting on the ground pouring whatever’s in me
out
sitting and spitting lines into the sand
hoping the ocean erases them
take a second to breathe
and wonder about a week
so distant it may not have happened
find the resolve
to stand and walk
head to the ocean
head first and frozen
and cross to the other side
find myself a new life
in a country where there’s nothing for me
in a place so far from what I know
in a room with a view of a mountain or two
in the back of my mind where I built this new life
maybe I’ll be free of you
and you and you and you too
one day I’ll see my face
in the cracking surface of a frozen lake
with no ghosts by my side
just my eyes meeting my eyes
hard blue
and free of you
--
what do you know
what have you been through
what do you know
what can you do

this sense this feeling on my fucking chest
hands on the wall as I’m breathing in
forehead inching closer
because I'm losing the will to wait
and I’m losing the strength
to carry the weight
of every little thought I think
fist to the wall
and I’m not feeling anything
I’m standing here silent with a violent tongue
holding back the words I so desperately want
to scream at the top of my lungs

if you’re going to take me
take me whole
quit whittling me away every time I’m alone
don’t set me in the wild
with nothing but my brains
to keep this mind from trailing off
to fucking keep me sane
crawling along the surface
desperate to get to my feet
but something
fucking everything
is getting down on me

how do you fight off that feeling of loss
when the thing that you’re losing isn’t even gone
slowly but surely leaving you behind
how do you accept the dehiscence of a life
how do you fucking do it
how do you say goodbye
how do you fucking do it
how do you say goodbye

1/1/2010

I’m so tired of you
fingers to those lips
holding back some grin
always hiding something
deep under your breath
buried in your chest
words you never let
get
out
here’s a song to sing a long
here’s a song to miss someone
while listening to
while you croon to the moon
while you bask under the sun
while you blame everyone
for how you need to get away
from
everyone
here’s a little something I’ve been meaning to say
here’s a note too high for anyone to play
I wanted so damn bad
to spit back in your face
every little broken promise
you were too eager to break
I don’t know why I’m still surprised
I don’t know why it’s still alive
that feeling of delight
when you pass before my eyes
or pop into my mind
or keep me up at night
I don’t know why the hell I try
to keep you in my life
I don’t know why the hell I try
to be near you all the time
I don’t know why the hell I try
I don’t know why
I don’t know why.

11/30/2009 pt. 2

hold it down and smile
hold it down and grin
hold down what’s better left to the wind
hold down the heat the defeat the unrest
hold down that weight
keep it in your chest
pound your fist on the walls every chance you get
re-break that hand if you get too stretched
too worn thin and broken wide open
where everyone can see what’s behind those teeth
those awful ugly words you keep
waiting for the chance to go home
and be released when you’re stewing alone
re-break your hand and hide in
that need to be whole again
re-break the bone and be left alone
with your tired
awkward
pained and fear-filled days
wondering if you’ll ever
be able to write
the same away
re-break your hand
see what happens
will it break you
or make you a man?
--
this voice in my head
I want to spill it on a page
I want to scream it from a stage
I want to expel everything
this voice in my head
for once
I don’t want
to hear it
--
black is the color of my true loves eyes
devoid of emotions to light that fight
that fire between that wrecks everything
I’d hold her close
stare into those
deep black holes
get lost in those
deep black holes
grow old in those
deep black holes
go cold in those
deep black holes
when the frost bite hits
I feel the warmth from it
know this is where I belong

11/30/2009

brushed skin and open ended phrases
I couldn’t say what I’ve been chasing
but another week
keeps my eyes locked tight on you
my hunger pains ensue
and I’m begging for a scrap of you attention
I’m pining for a taste of your affection
grazed fingers with burnt knuckles
I can’t feel the heat
but I’m feeling something
who’s to say
who could possibly say
this mind of mine stays up too late at night
unless it’s your face
welling up
at the end of the day
you know I can’t place
I can’t keep the pace
I’d give up the chase
if I didn’t
need it
so much
--
pushed to the outside
on the outskirts of your life
bruising knuckles on bathroom stalls
because I’m
hiding this mind while I
work these fingers to the bone
dreading going home

we don’t speak
we drift from room to room
we chat about the news
the gossip and the high school blues
but we’re too old
faced so much
I gave up just enough
to justify this mind
this feeling jaded
all the fucking time

who are you who are you
and what happened to
the person I knew
swore you’d be by my side
for all my life
now I turn to a friend
I reach for a hand
and end up helping
myself up
again
on my fucking own

I never expected
all that much from you
but you managed to let me down
how impressive
good for you

11/21/2009

always searching for the same songs
jukebox has let me down for so long
so I sing in the car all night
home past two while blaring the blues
vision isn’t blurred but my eyes have been drier
no sobbing
I just need a reason to stick around
when she sat by my side
when she was on my mind
when she slept in my arms
when she tore me apart
every night
and I never birthed a single fault
never the reason that we fought
fist to the wall
I don’t care at all
I’m trying
not to
care
at
all