I can’t remember what it felt like
how it was when you used to be mine
oh I never claimed ownership
not so bold to grab hold
but we spoke in pluralities
considered more than one self
there were nights when sleep came easy
and nights I’d lay on my side
my eyes wide
hesitant to toss and turn
you didn’t want to be disturbed
I can’t remember
what kept me up those nights
the closest I get
to remembering how it
felt to be feeling for someone else
is the nights that I drive
until I feel a little alive
lost past midnight
on a road I barely know
you used to be
so far from me
worth every mile for a time
but looking back
I’ve realized
the times I felt the most peace
I was driving to or from you
on those streets.
Monday, July 4, 2011
6/14/2011
I could forget you if I wanted
the decisions been made time and again
to push that face out of my head
erase that sour voice from my mind
I find
I’m a little further from fine every time
I try
to fill that empty bed feeling
to replace the weight of your face on my face
your lips to my lips
I forget
why I let myself get so into it
I forget
why I’m so desperate to forget
but I remember
every breath I took as you curled up next to me
said in ten minutes
you’d be sick of the closeness
you’d roll over and sleep on your own
but I woke up with the sun
and you hadn’t budged
never felt better when I slept in your bed
waking with nothing but peace in my head
then it left
and I wish I’d
forget
guess it’s not so easy
the decisions been made time and again
can’t push that face out of my head
erase that sour voice from my mind
I find
I’m a little further from fine every time
I try.
the decisions been made time and again
to push that face out of my head
erase that sour voice from my mind
I find
I’m a little further from fine every time
I try
to fill that empty bed feeling
to replace the weight of your face on my face
your lips to my lips
I forget
why I let myself get so into it
I forget
why I’m so desperate to forget
but I remember
every breath I took as you curled up next to me
said in ten minutes
you’d be sick of the closeness
you’d roll over and sleep on your own
but I woke up with the sun
and you hadn’t budged
never felt better when I slept in your bed
waking with nothing but peace in my head
then it left
and I wish I’d
forget
guess it’s not so easy
the decisions been made time and again
can’t push that face out of my head
erase that sour voice from my mind
I find
I’m a little further from fine every time
I try.
5/11/2011
why try to be all smiles and sunshine
when the world outside is all doom and gloom
laying in bed with the covers tucked tight
waiting all day for the falling of night
I live a night life honey
and I’ll cruise these roads until I know
I’ve found a mouth worth kissing
and I can finally stop missing
you
when the world outside is all doom and gloom
laying in bed with the covers tucked tight
waiting all day for the falling of night
I live a night life honey
and I’ll cruise these roads until I know
I’ve found a mouth worth kissing
and I can finally stop missing
you
5/10/2011
nights like these. speaking to the sidewalks. waiting for the streets. to get back to me. haunting this hometown. like a ghost who never knew. safe haven or where to rest sound. kicking over trash cans and running out in front of cars. general disarray keeping this mind awake. midnight leads to morning. and the six hours between are blurred. caught on distance and dissent. and nothing learned. kick these feet up the curb. fall face flat but I’m not hurt. it’s a wicked way to live. when you haven’t the heart to give. a single shit about the town you live in. and I’m forever eager to escape. begging for time zones. to give me back days. I’m missing out on hours. I’d give anything to replay. take old roads until I’m home. though home may not exist. at least if I never find it. I’ll know why I feel like this.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
5/5/2011
Stepping from the porch
‘cross the lawn
to the street
there’s an evening that’s leaving
some unevenness in me
wander these roads knowing when I head home
it’s the very last place I want to go
take these keys and drive this car
as far from myself as can be
make this town a past tense
and this night a memory
or something less
so when I rest
I’m not tossing and turning this room
trying to find traces of you
some lingering scent on my jacket
or some words you didn’t know how to say
forever suppressing expression
driving any emotion away
I’d rather sleep on these streets
behind the wheel in the summer heat
than attempt to remember a face
too afraid to lay
and be at peace
too afraid to feel
anything
‘cross the lawn
to the street
there’s an evening that’s leaving
some unevenness in me
wander these roads knowing when I head home
it’s the very last place I want to go
take these keys and drive this car
as far from myself as can be
make this town a past tense
and this night a memory
or something less
so when I rest
I’m not tossing and turning this room
trying to find traces of you
some lingering scent on my jacket
or some words you didn’t know how to say
forever suppressing expression
driving any emotion away
I’d rather sleep on these streets
behind the wheel in the summer heat
than attempt to remember a face
too afraid to lay
and be at peace
too afraid to feel
anything
4/28/2011
I believe in crushed teeth
fire wide eyes and uneven breaths
running until feet are too sore to shift
and these ankles are aching for change
rage under pain under insane claims
and distrust of every face in the room
hiding this mind from these eyes I once knew
I knew nothing and now I am through
sick of convincing myself to trust
I’d rather be driven by degradation and lust
than living this moral, righteous life
standing above and beyond those I once
felt some connection to
age is attacking my sense of distress
my ability to lash out and destroy
I’d rather sit silent than let violence consume
control my any and every move
fists turn to forgiveness
open palmed because I wish that
there was more to express than the rage in my chest
the awful confrontation of silence and seething
these teeth need to stop being clenched
whether they melt out my mouth or disappear in my head
I need to speak easy again
no longer grating my words as they pass
through these devilishly tight pearly whites
no longer focusing fire from my eyes
I’ll see this life without such bright lights
existing through the night time
soothing this sordid mind
I decline
I refuse to admit my abuse
I will bear this
without falter or complaint
maybe I’ll murder my mind given time
or maybe I’ll turn up a saint
let’s see where this goes.
fire wide eyes and uneven breaths
running until feet are too sore to shift
and these ankles are aching for change
rage under pain under insane claims
and distrust of every face in the room
hiding this mind from these eyes I once knew
I knew nothing and now I am through
sick of convincing myself to trust
I’d rather be driven by degradation and lust
than living this moral, righteous life
standing above and beyond those I once
felt some connection to
age is attacking my sense of distress
my ability to lash out and destroy
I’d rather sit silent than let violence consume
control my any and every move
fists turn to forgiveness
open palmed because I wish that
there was more to express than the rage in my chest
the awful confrontation of silence and seething
these teeth need to stop being clenched
whether they melt out my mouth or disappear in my head
I need to speak easy again
no longer grating my words as they pass
through these devilishly tight pearly whites
no longer focusing fire from my eyes
I’ll see this life without such bright lights
existing through the night time
soothing this sordid mind
I decline
I refuse to admit my abuse
I will bear this
without falter or complaint
maybe I’ll murder my mind given time
or maybe I’ll turn up a saint
let’s see where this goes.
4/21/2011
a mess of distress and raw flesh
rubbing off skin
to see what lies beneath
gnawing at nails until cuticles crack
burrow tooth down to bone and see where it goes
deep breath
devour that epidermis
revealing what you’ve kept under covers
under clothes
under excuses and complaints
enough to keep your life on display
but not enough to ever be touched
walking on glass around the bedroom
hiding under bar stools and bad moods
something is sitting ill at ease
something is off and needs to be
freed
torn wide open to cover these walls
put up for show so the world finally knows
there’s not a damn thing beneath this heap
this mass of flesh and bone
nothing inside
did away with your life
from fear of being too well liked
--
always forgetting the strain
the eye-bulging, impulse-following pain
heart beating too many milliseconds to record
wondering what I do anything anymore for
beating fists and foreheads against walls
‘til they fall
and I’m bloody-knuckled and unconscious to boot
running these legs until the muscles are slack
unable to lift these feet
flat on this back
fighting the urge to break every window I see
throwing chairs at front doors
when I feel the drive to leave
taking cars up curbs and through store fronts
just to see
what would it do to me?
eager to be displeased
breed this insanity in me
eager to lash out and destroy
oh I am a sad, sad boy
rubbing off skin
to see what lies beneath
gnawing at nails until cuticles crack
burrow tooth down to bone and see where it goes
deep breath
devour that epidermis
revealing what you’ve kept under covers
under clothes
under excuses and complaints
enough to keep your life on display
but not enough to ever be touched
walking on glass around the bedroom
hiding under bar stools and bad moods
something is sitting ill at ease
something is off and needs to be
freed
torn wide open to cover these walls
put up for show so the world finally knows
there’s not a damn thing beneath this heap
this mass of flesh and bone
nothing inside
did away with your life
from fear of being too well liked
--
always forgetting the strain
the eye-bulging, impulse-following pain
heart beating too many milliseconds to record
wondering what I do anything anymore for
beating fists and foreheads against walls
‘til they fall
and I’m bloody-knuckled and unconscious to boot
running these legs until the muscles are slack
unable to lift these feet
flat on this back
fighting the urge to break every window I see
throwing chairs at front doors
when I feel the drive to leave
taking cars up curbs and through store fronts
just to see
what would it do to me?
eager to be displeased
breed this insanity in me
eager to lash out and destroy
oh I am a sad, sad boy
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