4/28/2010

can this be something we do?
lay in bed until half past two
once the summer is too hot to bear
wait for the winter
to throw us some cold air
then hide inside all the time
taking comfort in the warmth of wrapped arms
covered heads and methodic chests
breathe in and out and out and in
can this be something we do?
wait for the days to pass themselves
let the seasons seem like less
of a hindrance on our moods
more a reason to get up and move
take these wheels to somewhere new
somewhere hot or frozen through
whichever we’re feeling better
whichever looks better
whichever
can this be something we do?

4/23/2010

I’m tired of lack of trust
this feeling in my heart
it’s just
it’s just too much
or not enough
I don’t know the proper way to say
how to measure
scale out and proportion
this version of myself isn’t well
it’s not ill but it isn’t sitting straight
tilting and hunched over
I know
once upon a colder time
when the wind stung my lips
and my eyes were watering
when my cheeks were taught and my jaw was clenched
when my hair was long and my skin was thin
when I crossed a campus well before the sun
when I left the feeling of feeling alone
reveled in the morning
no mourning solitude
I was proud of myself
I used to
be proud of myself.
--
tired all the time
I’m tired of this mind
focused on the colder winds
or the sunburn over the shining
nothing seems to fit on me
I hold this soul at arms length
nothing seems to be touching me
unless you’re within reach
I swallowed and I followed
pretending I was fine
I hunted and I wanted
pretending I was fine
I remember feeling better
I remember being fine
before this winter led to this spring
and I felt a fucking feeling
I’m still reeling
and I can’t seem to catch myself
I’ll trip and slip and rush through this
life that lies ahead
find a city that can cradle me
not fill me with disease
and fucking dread

4/22/2010

standing with my feet
stuffed soundly past my teeth
pushing ever further
until my throat meets my knees
holding on to words you’ve heard
but have you really heard a word?
I’ve written these lines so many times
I’ve tried to define what’s on my mind
I’ve looked you in your shiftless eyes
delving shoveling in to find
the proper way to say
please listen to me
you deserve
you have earned
you’ve fought and wrought and your skin is taught
you’ve toiled and tilled
damn near fucking killed
yourself
for somebody else
cut them off
it cannot be helped
--
too much grey to see my face
reflected in the mirror view
driving away
driving away
from you
another night spent on someone else’s time
cradling and abating someone else’s mind
putting fists through words that I shouldn’t say
as they drift through the cold
to your sullen face
I’m tired of looking at those bright wide eyes
and seeing a dim flickering light
there should be a flame burning straight through me
not a cold sinking into your soul

what I want to say to you
what I want to do for you
however I can try to prove
something that can’t be said
put your hand
in my hand
and rest that weighted head
you don’t
deserve
this hurt
this pain
this dread.
--
I lied when I lied in your arms last night
and said I’d be fine as I drove 695
to this bed that I just
can’t feel comfortable in
unless I duck under the covers
and nestle up to your skin
there’s a wicked sort of feeling
when I’m driving through the gray
I can’t see the street in front of me
just all my past mistakes
and I wallow in this feeling
of feeling like I don’t belong
on the path that’s set ahead of me
see these one way streets seem wrong
can I wake and relay
how it feels to finally say
there’s a feeling in my chest
I’ve never felt before today
it’s a burning and a churning
and it leaves me fucking cold
to the world that spins around
whenever you are not around

is this love or is it strain
am I falling or in pain
who can tell me how it feels
to be feeling something real
is this heartache an attack
I keep checking over my back
hoping that I’ll find you
but knowing I’m not going to

can I keep you?

3/29/2010

I wrote a song to fit your smile
I sat in the cold for a little while
let the shivering take hold
I did everything I’d been told
and left myself out of the equation
just a sleeping situation
where I’d rather be tangled with you
unable to fit quite right
so we stay wide awake all night
kissing each others cheeks and necks
a peck on the lips
like a kiss of death
kills the conversation
we drift into a sedation
that doesn’t last for long
and this bedtime tango goes on
and on and on until you’re gone
sometimes you just can’t hide
the world will creep inside
you’ll search for the proper time
to say what’s on your mind
but nothing seems to fit
no words can work for this
but my skin to your skin
hands and arms and minds entwined
under covers in a dull morning light
I just might
miss you more than I intend to
I might have
kissed you more than I was meant to
but it might
it might not be all too bad.

3/22/2010

can’t find the words to fit the verse
the way to properly relay
how I feel these days
I know I love you and I miss you
and I wish you all the best
but I want you to come back and lay
your head upon my chest
breathe out and in and out again
whisper a soft goodnight
weave a dream in bed with me
and wake with the sunrise
crawl around this tired house
and creak these weak old boards
lace our fingers arms and legs
hide from the world indoors
who needs these weeks of anxious feet
these nights so tossed and turned
I’d rather wake to someone I can’t face
than face one more night alone
hold me like you know me
though you never cared to learn
I’m willing to ignore the fact
if you’re willing to come back
come back to bed.

3/17/2010

stuck with thinking on dying
these days I’ve been minding
my own business
for the past two weeks
everything else around me
seems
trivial
fuck it all

I know the world won’t stop this month
the sun will shine and the rain will come
I’ll sleep too late or rise and shine
and spend my time on someone else’s time
I’ll sleep too late or rise and shine
pretend I’m better
pretend it’s fine
swallow that lump in my throat
never let the dissent show
the anger at whatever is sitting above
dragging away the people we love
as soon as we realize
how big an influence on our lives
they’ve been

sometimes I look outside
feeling the burn of freshly blurred eyes
swallow my sense of pride
and let out a shaky sigh
and I wonder
how do you say goodbye
--
lay in bed with my head to your head
my chin drifting into the curve of your neck
my lips grazing against that cheek as you speak
a bedtime story to me
once upon a time before we’d officially met
some guy who did something to mess with your head
you grew and you learned not to fall for that shit
now you stay closed and won’t let anyone in
so here we lay with fingers laced
arms entangled and legs locked tight
lips to lips for a goodnight kiss
but we’re distant and constantly concerned
this is how you sleep sound when you’re hurt
holding each other so tight
but sleeping alone every night
good night. good night.

3/7/2010

you keep telling me that
it’s not your fault
and you know oh you know
you’ve done nothing wrong
and you sleep on your own
and you sleep so at ease
or you sleep in his arms
and think nothing of me

it’s just waking that gets me
I’m taking this quickly
I won’t go I won’t go
slow
I’m not taking it easy
I’m taking this with me
I won’t go I won’t go
home

I’m hitting the road

it’s not to forget
it’s to let it
let it go
I’ve drive until I don’t know why
or how to get back home
I’ll drive myself fucking crazy
I’ve done it before
and I’ll do it again
I’m dead-fucking-sure
there’s got to be something
some right word to say
to spit at your face
as I’m leaving this space

raise one finger high
and show me how you feel
no need for words tonight
the gestures much more real
raise one finger high
and show me how you feel
no need for words tonight
the gestures much more real
raise one finger high
and show me how you feel
no need for words tonight
the gestures much more real
raise one finger high
I’ll show you how I feel
no need for words tonight
no need for words tonight
no need for words tonight
no need for words tonight...