3/29/2010

I wrote a song to fit your smile
I sat in the cold for a little while
let the shivering take hold
I did everything I’d been told
and left myself out of the equation
just a sleeping situation
where I’d rather be tangled with you
unable to fit quite right
so we stay wide awake all night
kissing each others cheeks and necks
a peck on the lips
like a kiss of death
kills the conversation
we drift into a sedation
that doesn’t last for long
and this bedtime tango goes on
and on and on until you’re gone
sometimes you just can’t hide
the world will creep inside
you’ll search for the proper time
to say what’s on your mind
but nothing seems to fit
no words can work for this
but my skin to your skin
hands and arms and minds entwined
under covers in a dull morning light
I just might
miss you more than I intend to
I might have
kissed you more than I was meant to
but it might
it might not be all too bad.

3/22/2010

can’t find the words to fit the verse
the way to properly relay
how I feel these days
I know I love you and I miss you
and I wish you all the best
but I want you to come back and lay
your head upon my chest
breathe out and in and out again
whisper a soft goodnight
weave a dream in bed with me
and wake with the sunrise
crawl around this tired house
and creak these weak old boards
lace our fingers arms and legs
hide from the world indoors
who needs these weeks of anxious feet
these nights so tossed and turned
I’d rather wake to someone I can’t face
than face one more night alone
hold me like you know me
though you never cared to learn
I’m willing to ignore the fact
if you’re willing to come back
come back to bed.

3/17/2010

stuck with thinking on dying
these days I’ve been minding
my own business
for the past two weeks
everything else around me
seems
trivial
fuck it all

I know the world won’t stop this month
the sun will shine and the rain will come
I’ll sleep too late or rise and shine
and spend my time on someone else’s time
I’ll sleep too late or rise and shine
pretend I’m better
pretend it’s fine
swallow that lump in my throat
never let the dissent show
the anger at whatever is sitting above
dragging away the people we love
as soon as we realize
how big an influence on our lives
they’ve been

sometimes I look outside
feeling the burn of freshly blurred eyes
swallow my sense of pride
and let out a shaky sigh
and I wonder
how do you say goodbye
--
lay in bed with my head to your head
my chin drifting into the curve of your neck
my lips grazing against that cheek as you speak
a bedtime story to me
once upon a time before we’d officially met
some guy who did something to mess with your head
you grew and you learned not to fall for that shit
now you stay closed and won’t let anyone in
so here we lay with fingers laced
arms entangled and legs locked tight
lips to lips for a goodnight kiss
but we’re distant and constantly concerned
this is how you sleep sound when you’re hurt
holding each other so tight
but sleeping alone every night
good night. good night.

3/7/2010

you keep telling me that
it’s not your fault
and you know oh you know
you’ve done nothing wrong
and you sleep on your own
and you sleep so at ease
or you sleep in his arms
and think nothing of me

it’s just waking that gets me
I’m taking this quickly
I won’t go I won’t go
slow
I’m not taking it easy
I’m taking this with me
I won’t go I won’t go
home

I’m hitting the road

it’s not to forget
it’s to let it
let it go
I’ve drive until I don’t know why
or how to get back home
I’ll drive myself fucking crazy
I’ve done it before
and I’ll do it again
I’m dead-fucking-sure
there’s got to be something
some right word to say
to spit at your face
as I’m leaving this space

raise one finger high
and show me how you feel
no need for words tonight
the gestures much more real
raise one finger high
and show me how you feel
no need for words tonight
the gestures much more real
raise one finger high
and show me how you feel
no need for words tonight
the gestures much more real
raise one finger high
I’ll show you how I feel
no need for words tonight
no need for words tonight
no need for words tonight
no need for words tonight...

2/27/2010

last night I was told what I can and can’t feel
divining from my mind what’s real or not real
I sat in a room with a clear view of you
turning those eyes to anyone who
could keep you from turning to
me

sitting without limbs to hold onto
just a torso at a bar with a drink
no eyes to hide because the skull was gone
no mouth to shut off or tongue to bite on
no fingers to point or legs for escape
I was caught and I couldn’t do a goddamn thing

last night I was told what I can and can’t feel
I choose to feel nothing until it feels real
I’ll sit silent and livid until the fire is dead
I sit and keep drinking until this weight leaves my head
I’ll float through these rooms and ignore what feels true
and anything false, I’ll embrace and misuse

last night last night
in the back of my mind
sitting and singing until I could find
a time when this life was irrevocably mine
and I wasn’t living on someone else’ time
last night last night last night last night
I’ll feel however the hell I like

2/20/2010

there’s a face that’s on my mind
no angry eyes this time
no sickened grin to hide from
not a damn thing wrong with this one

you and I
let’s drive to the beach
when the weeks get too stretched
when the nights feel like shit
let’s escape from it
take these wheels to the interstate
cover the distance and try to relay
what’s feeling good
and maybe find
nothing feels wrong
for once in this life

I’ve got cash on hand and a smile to boot
times or tough but something new
makes the world less weighted
I’m not sitting and debating
I’m just saying
stay around for awhile
for now
and see
--
sing a song of longing
for a time when life was fine
just fine
not tearing the roof off the motherfucker
not beating us down like no other
let’s sit and bitch about everyone else
sit and get it off our chests
wonder under the weight of friends
fairweather and distant and put to rest
let’s get it all out of our systems
bask in the glow of letting go
sleep at ease
me next to you - you next to me
wake up bright in the morning
ready and reeling
to fight for this feeling
this feeling I’m not letting go

2/18/2010

waking up with a heart that departs
stops every time I try to talk
walks out the room the second you walk in
because it’s easier to be feeling nothing
sitting on the ground pouring whatever’s in me
out
sitting and spitting lines into the sand
hoping the ocean erases them
take a second to breathe
and wonder about a week
so distant it may not have happened
find the resolve
to stand and walk
head to the ocean
head first and frozen
and cross to the other side
find myself a new life
in a country where there’s nothing for me
in a place so far from what I know
in a room with a view of a mountain or two
in the back of my mind where I built this new life
maybe I’ll be free of you
and you and you and you too
one day I’ll see my face
in the cracking surface of a frozen lake
with no ghosts by my side
just my eyes meeting my eyes
hard blue
and free of you
--
what do you know
what have you been through
what do you know
what can you do

this sense this feeling on my fucking chest
hands on the wall as I’m breathing in
forehead inching closer
because I'm losing the will to wait
and I’m losing the strength
to carry the weight
of every little thought I think
fist to the wall
and I’m not feeling anything
I’m standing here silent with a violent tongue
holding back the words I so desperately want
to scream at the top of my lungs

if you’re going to take me
take me whole
quit whittling me away every time I’m alone
don’t set me in the wild
with nothing but my brains
to keep this mind from trailing off
to fucking keep me sane
crawling along the surface
desperate to get to my feet
but something
fucking everything
is getting down on me

how do you fight off that feeling of loss
when the thing that you’re losing isn’t even gone
slowly but surely leaving you behind
how do you accept the dehiscence of a life
how do you fucking do it
how do you say goodbye
how do you fucking do it
how do you say goodbye