5/3/2007

when I say that it’s ok
and I’m not feeling anything
while you’re off and running
up mountains to shout your love
from the tallest peaks
to the deepest seas
let it known
that you’ve fallen once again
I hope you know I’m lying
well, that’s not the whole truth
I’m not lying to you
but I am lying to me
you see
it’s easier without rhythm
then the beat is never lost
and my heart can go where it wants
whenever it should break
there’s no need to be fixed
I can’t tell what’s wrong with it
because the thump thump thump is gone
it’s all one big dull hum
--
maybe I’ve forgotten
how to put my lips to yours
and let go of my soul
breathe new life through my teeth
I want to share with you
I want to fall for you
and to be
completely
consumed in love for you
because everyone else is just
disgusting and absorbed in touch
you’re too distant for me to want
but I need you so damn much

4/1/2007

my life disappeared
whisper lies in my ear
I wanted to believe that you meant something to me
that I could hold to honesty
that you spoke truthfully
but what was I to think
how the hell was I to know
so easy to let go
yes, I am
couldn’t fight the whole evening
couldn’t battle off the sun
so I gave up
and a second day in a row
I laid low
could have caught me begging for snow
but the world hasn’t been cold
unlike you
such abuse!
How cruel to ignore me more
than I tried to ignore you
I should probably take the message
and attempt to listen
you never needed
a stranger taking hold of your life
you needed escape for one night
or just a few minutes one day
then you went away
and I was left driving myself

3/31/2007

it’s nice to know
whilst I sit alone
you’re running circles ‘round the world
fucking boys
fucking girls
fucking whichever you like better
it’s a day to day preference
couldn’t stop and breath for a second
or try to incite a decision
I’m trying to get you to listen
but I could never say enough
to account for how much I want
to be something other than this
boy in a basement with nothing
but a name and really sallow smile
I’m trying my best to keep at it
to never look down on my life
but tonight...
I get so lonely I can hardly even speak
and when I do
it does nothing for me
with nothing but sand in my mouth
nothing but sand will come out

3/11/2007

tell me show me whatever - you know me
I need I need I need
some sort of release
some sign you’re finally free
and you’re finally freeing me
sending me off on my own fucking way
it’s just another night
now it’s just another day
and sleep sleep sleep
does nothing for me
wide eyed at night
waiting for you to leave
wherever you’re spending your evening
and come to my front porch screaming
for me to make you feel like you’re right
because you made a mistake tonight

well tonight!
Tonight tonight tonight
I’m letting my mind get the best of me
letting myself give into sleep
saw these dreams and believed what they said
so much better than what’s outside my head
saw these dreams and I wanted so bad
to forget what I know and I know I don’t have

so maybe baby I’ll wake up
and maybe baby you’ll fuck up
on the up and up
on the so down low
we can’t go
anywhere but back home
and if you call at 1:00 AM
wanting me to come over again
you better fucking mean it
cause last chance
means last chance
at least I’m trying to make it

3/10/2007

I will drop you off
I will leave you alone
and we won’t talk for so long
and every day that I am gone
he’ll sneak in where I was
it just so happens
it’s so damn classic
I can tell it’ll turn out well
but never for me
no don’t you see
it always turns out
easyyyyy

I lay with a pillow underneath my head
and another where you’d fit in this bed
too bad you’re never gonna fill in
this space
I lay with a thought that I shouldn’t have
because you’re too far to grab
I should learn to just accept
this space

no more women to steal my thoughts
I’m giving loving up for a few months
I’ll do my best to keep disinterest
I’m always trying not to listen
but how many people want to sleep on their own
I’m too tired for lying and fighting the sun
so you leave me behind
I won’t fucking mind
I’ll just lay in this bed alone

I will find you in the morning
after all the feelings gone
and I don’t want
what you’re so desperate to give up

3/1/2007

I’m too tired to fight
for the right words to say
I’m just trying to lay
next to you
I’m too sore to give
a damn about anything
other than being
next to you

so let’s just
go to bed

2/22/2007 pt. 2

I wonder under the influence of my friends. So many deadly nights I’ve spent. You always bring out the daring in me. Turn me a round, whisper what you see. Is there anyone still standing by your side. Am I what’s coming up in front? Did you turn and walk away? These days I sleep but I don’t feel at rest. These days I’ve been trying. I’ve been trying my best. The longer I level with you, the shorter I get. Cutting off inches to match your line of vision. The better, the worse. So pretty it hurts. So angry it’s painful. So sad it’s absurd. I remember much better what I know I should forget. I regret every second I’ve spent in your bed. Not because it wasn’t worth it. I just wish that I’d never left.

Call me up and tell me the truth. Is there a good end to all our abuse. Laying in darkness in search of that light. Talking to walls every day and each night. Sometimes I get the feeling that I’m not feeling a thing. All this affection was invented. You’re too distant to make a difference. Then you tell me that you miss this. It kills me. Shoots me dead. You’re like a bullet to my head. You’re the best I could ever get. It’s too bad I never did.

2/22/2007

just another familiar vision the kind I find when I’m inside my mind the usual tangos the same old dance moves and I’m too tired to lift my own legs so I’m left watching the world spin away waltzing and talking like the songs never stopping and there’s no reason to be afraid of the end but I’ve been lying to myself again and thinking too much about nothing so dancing doesn’t seem like the bright idea I’d rather keep walking than waiting to hear
I don’t want to hear you
when you’re calling out my name
because all I’m ever hearing
is you calling out my name
I don’t want to hear you
when you’re calling out my name
because all I’m ever hearing
is you calling out my name
and maybe there’s something living hidden underneath the wording but I know it no I doubt it I can’t tell
--
and if I told you that I’ve never approved
never saw what you felt
was able to understand how
so many people fall under your feet
crawl to your knees and grasp for something
I don’t recall what made you seem
like a vessel for my jealousy
but these days and nights
these weeks and months
I’m tired of watching you break
I can’t stand to see you misused
it hurts me to know it hurts you
and I’m sorry I can’t make you change

2/17/2007

and too many thoughts to keep me up at night
too many women to sit in this room
twiddling their thumbs and pulling their gum
to thin strands hanging loose and abused
looking to me for a safe place to sleep
nothing more
nothing less
all I am
all I could ever hope to be

baby I’ll be your bed sheets
I will be your comforter

if this room should grow cold
the winter should creep in
don’t listen to the branches on the window
they’ll scratch and whisper a sing-song
that you’re wrong and not where you belong
but, baby, I’ll be your covers
and you’re safe no matter where you lay
as long as it’s by my side
as long as you stay here tonight

baby I’ll be your bed sheets
I will be your comforter
I’ll wrap you up for slumber
and keep you warm at night

2/11/2007

I want you ever closer
move too much to account for touch
we’ve been holding off on what we want
wanted so much
but not enough to make it worth
the amount of hurt we’d incur
and I could never force your hand
incite a decision
I just wouldn’t feel human
a little less than being
I’m tired of waiting and waiting
and I’m tired from being awake
so maybe they’re one and the same
and I can last a hundred more days
--
this is the shortest winter ever
another year of fear and disease
waiting for my feet to freeze
standing on the edge of the street
hoping for a car to get me
because you’re too far for me to walk
it’s too hard for me to talk
when I can see my words in front of my face
the wind picks up
carries my breath away
but the sound of my song still lingers
and I’d stick my finger in each letter
if I thought they’d fade away
but they stay and I see
I am still the little kid in the cold
waiting for the scent of snow
to coat this world in white
and remind me it’s all right

2/10/2007

Hush hush little child of mine
well you’re not mine but we’ll pretend
we’ll pretend you understand
you know a thing about me
cause you see
I sleep every evening like this
without a single thought in my head
or a single soul in my bed
my own out of body experience
doesn’t fucking mean it
mean it matters at all
and I want so much but
but you don’t fucking know
foul language saves my ass each day
when I’m desperate to write down a name
instead they get replaced
expletive deleted
forget it
you couldn’t help me if you tried

2/7/2007

This beds too big for one
and too much for the two of us
so we’re hiding in the corner
beneath the window sill
doing the best we can manage
to ward off the sun’s affront
breaking into the bedroom
in hopes to insist on awake
but we’d rather stay this way
sound asleep without anything between
but our deep breaths
holding our bodies at length
--
she won’t listen
he’s been hearing
but dismissing
and over and over
the letters burned up
shined in her eyes
but the flames weren’t enough
she was fucking
she was fucking
she was fucking up
her life celibacy was too much to be
something she could abide by
so now and again
she’ll search for one man
one single soul to take home
but he leaves
he goes out
before she gives up
there’s nothing in touch
that is driven by lust
and they’ve given each other
everything else
but that other man
that real world man
the guy on the side
in the front of her mind
the real one
the man she adores...
there’s nothing more
nothing more for me
--
I can feel this winter
too much to be healthy
wind scratching in my skin
crawling across my face
flaking my dry skin away
and there was so much warmth before
it’s like winter hit
right after you left

maybe I govern the weather
and you kept me heated and cool
so it was never too frigid for living
I was never so frozen with you
but these days I lay and shiver
in a bed with a pillow and a sheet
but there’s nothing else with me
so the cold crept in slow

I once was dreaming of leaving
but now I’m insisting on staying
and I’m tired and sickened from waiting
but I’m too used to misuse to move
I could last another evening
spend another night on your mind
or with you blowing through mine

blowing through the jasmine
that’s frozen and cracking
like my hands
like my face
like my frame
like everything

2/5/2007

What she missed out on
a lifetime of depression
and her life put up for inspection
but a genius buried under each lesson
every symbol in every song
and he’s still singing along
as if she would return to him

marriage doesn’t kill distance
it just causes a shift in
the ways he’ll fight off sleep
he can’t beg her to return
he can’t be more than alone
she’s caught hook, line, and sinker
he’s caught on how she’s gone

no closure in growing closer
there’s no end with resisting
all the latent impulses
and he’s still wishing she’d come home
but she built a whole new house and
he’s not welcome in it
so they will remain separate
he’ll write one more song about that

2/1/2007

I’ve been stuck on repeat
for so many weeks
so many months
can’t turn myself off
lost the remote
and the buttons all broke
I keep going
recycling
and no end
could happen
there’s no end in sight
but tonight
come on
I’ve been crawling on walls and ceilings
scouring back alleys
behind row homes
don’t know though
why I can’t seem to sleep at night
probably has something to do with
sleeping at all other times
except when I need to be
flat on my back
eyes closed and steadily breathing
instead of tossing and turning and teething
and heaving deeps breaths
in an attempt to stay in bed
but eventually
I force myself out
wander around until my feet can barely move
so you
you can pretend I’m over this
and I
I can pretend it just the same
but the way I keep clawing at the evening
there’s no way that morning could be welcoming
at least not anytime soon
--
said “I’m losing my best friend”
I said what a coincidence
so much distance
and now you act like I’ve not right
to feel left out and jaded
well, my friend, you made it
you put those emotions in me
you didn’t see
I didn’t see
no one really saw it happen
but I’ve felt it
and it really fucking hurts

1/31/2007

and hey
I fell asleep at your feet
bristled the hairs on my back
when morning cracked in the room
sun shine right on my eyes
and I tried to fight off the assault
but at that point
I was up
I was going
I was long fucking gone
and maybe it was new to you
waking up left alone
but I’ve felt it every morning
and I look forward to it again
it’s one thing I can count on
you know, now that you’re gone
--
just wanted something easy
quick glance and smile and nod
move on and get a new life
try riding around the globe
try returning home
after a year of not being here
wonder who I’ll become
with no one to call and confide in
back to seclusion and confusion
back to ignorant little sean
unknowing un-showing and unfair
I stare
I stutter
I stammer and I move on
because no one wants a little man
who walks around with one thought in his head
I want a woman in my bed
I want a bed with a woman in it
I want something to lay down with
to sleep and be happy
I want to be sound asleep
in a bed with someone next to me
but I know what will happen
they’ll fidget every few seconds
my eyes will fly open
I’m too light a sleeper to sleep with someone else
their silence would keep me up all night

1/24/2007

Fingers graze and pull away
lips may touch but who’s to say
if we’re feeling anything
I can see you
but not too clearly
you’re too close to focus
and that’s just fine in my mind
don’t come any closer
it isn’t the right time
but don’t dare leave me behind
to toss and turn alone
--
don’t speak to me on even ground
don’t roll along like you’ve grown up
acting like something good is coming
we’re moving
but never closer together
--
honey darling baby maybe
oh forget it cause you don’t need me
you don’t want me hunting
through morning noon and evening
for a little touch to catch up on
a tiny something I can hold
pull in and keep close
it ain’t right
oh it ain’t fair
and I don’t care
I’m trying to not care
but still you call and talk
and come over whenever you want
speak like there’s nothing coming
but there’s something brewing beneath
the words we rehearse every week
heard you practicing your lines
and I think you’re doing fine
just add more feeling
so everyone can feel it
whenever you walk on stage

1/23/2007

she doesn’t listen to me
when I tell her it’s so wrong
to always brush along
scraping her nails over skin
begging for a quick instance
a little touch to wake her up
and put her soul to rest
at best she’s seeking replacement
from what she’s come to be
can’t pretend she’s somebody
who is easier to fall for
and I don’t want her anymore
so she’s lost another lover
or potential bedside friend
it’s happened before
it’ll happen again
and there’s nothing she can do about it

1/22/2007

best damn promise I ever made
keep myself locked away
tightly clamped and hidden within
this life I call my own
no one reaches between the seats
to find loose change or bits of me
that slipped down through the cracks

I am shattering over time
chipping inches and inches each day
just enough to go unnoticed
still enough to make a difference
slowly but surely it’ll happen
I’ll be whittled down to nothing
and trust me
that’s just fine in my mind

1/21/2007 pt. 2

tasted like something I ate
and spit back up on the same day
because you’re sour
I’m bitter
we’re sitting straight and withered
under a blooming old tree
the dead branches weigh down
some crack and fall to us
but we move just enough
to avoid being hit
but not close enough
that we’d be sitting together
we’re still waiting separate
for winter spring and summer
to fall
and seasons to cease being
something in the way
of everything we say
--
I like it when I slip under
the waves that wake me every day
this sea bed I lay within
this ocean soaked with sleep
tides rise and fall with dreams
and morning is the waning
night time is the rise
high tide and I’m alive
speaking [breathing] in my sleep
like some hurricane on shore
tearing up the sand bars
and flooding over the town
rise and shine like a cloud break
sun hits and I’m awake
sweat drenched and ready for the current
to release me from this sea bed

1/21/2007

it’s all I’ve got to offer
this is all that I have left
a little song and dance
for all the little kids
beauties in the eye of the bewitched
and I’m cursed by dissonance
conflict will not rest
so I can’t rest my head
every evening
lasts well past the twilight
and morning comes without warning
to alarm my heavy eyes
shed light upon the night
that I wasted once again
another breath to pull in
hold and let out again
they call these thoughts deception
depression and lying to myself
but hell
this is as content as I get
anger grinds my pearly whites
sadness gnaws at me each night
and smiles come out once and awhile
for the most part
I sit still and solid
wondering on something
that may never happen
could have and I missed it
but listen
that’s neither here nor there
--
he’s still biding the time
to take her home with him
find out what’s under that skin
if there’s a soul between those legs
or a black hole waiting
to take him by the waist
and pull him all the way
inside herself

who can say why he’s afraid
love was never running away
it was biding time until the right night
when everything fell into place
with his face against her face
and her waist against his waist

think that sex is worthless
or think it’s worth too much
when touch becomes the basis
or everyone’s relations
there’s no relationship left
just that awkward intent
that want to feel that want
and forget about everyone else

think that love was lost
along the way to her place
or it fell between the car seats
or it slipped under the sheets
either way
it went away
and got replaced
by fucking...
nothing

1/10/2007

You’re disgusting when you speak
and you’re so damn cruel to me
I think under the sheets
you taste like tomorrow or next week
falling beneath the line of vision
an ocean of cushions and distance
too close or too far to hold close
away on the waves you go
you’re so sweet when you speak
with rough waters in between
and you’re so damn kind to me
when someone stands beneath
holding you above the sun
blocking the light so it’s always night
where I’m standing.

1/9/2007

just a sleeping situation
wake up lost and desperate for attention
but let the feelings lessen
or let the distance lengthen
and I’ll be walking home alone
that’s fine by me
sunrise by me
I get the morning for feeling right
and the save the mourning for late at night
how each day plays for me
wake up and smile
fend off that defeat
and go to bed with a heavy head
ready to empty and feel light again