9/29/2010

I’m here because you’re not
I’m here because it’s a lot
to take in
to give in
to accept and not regret
to learn from it
to not spit in the face of the fakes I once loved
to not sit with this anger on my tongue
swallow these foul words and weak breaths
I guess
there’s bound to be a solution in these evenings
there’s bound to be a reason in leaving
I’m seeing seasons as the same old transition
hot to cold and I keep living
with a heart on the shelf and a desperate pull to yell
at the top of my mother fucking lungs
don’t dare stare
don’t point or speak out
you don’t know
what I’m thinking about
never have and never will
so kill
every empty think you thought of me
I don’t need
your judgmental eyes and minds
I’ll live this life outside
it’s safer that way
living away
from all you fucking fakes
--
can I slip in next to you tonight?
there’s an awful sound outside
there’s a scent that lingers in these dark rooms
I’m trying to remember you
and forget everyone else
hide this past in your fresh skin
quell these memories with your scent and heat
try to awake without a thought
I want
to follow my lust for once
forget yesterday and tomorrow
swallow today whole
let’s go
down these dark, dark roads
let’s forget our moral codes
let’s go
down these dark, dark roads

9/21/2010

darkened shades and
grainy days
my voice is falling short of
what I really want to say
these arms aren’t long enough
to reach up
for what I want
and it’s all on me to be
something more than what I am
it’s all on me to cause
some change in these strange days
I’ve got to push those empty nights
away
I’ve got to walk through the door
some day
some day soon
I’m not going to waste away
waiting for you
darkened shades and
grainy days
I’ll chase these
black and white evenings
and get back to seeing
life in a brighter light

9/2/2010

I woke up and I broke out
and I’m never going back
swore to the high heavens
that I wouldn’t live with that
that hurt that pull that missing link
that strain that makes a weak man drink
that loss that turns the world to black
I’ll stick with the light
yeah I’m never going back

I remember feeling better away
in a passenger seat on a pitch black street
ghostly highways filled my days
my nights were spent with stars
I wrote my notes on whatever I could
and wanted to be as far
as far from normal as a young blood could be
yeah that’s me
always searching for a reason to leave
yeah that’s me
focused on the haves and the lacks
used to be me
yeah I’m never going back

I’ll work these fingers to the bone
‘til I remember just what it’s like
to go to bed with an empty head
and a body too heavy to rise
feeling like I was fighting an army all day
feeling like something needs to fucking change
because if I keep working my life away
I just may go out of my brain
these evenings that leave me beaten to death
with a voice in my head and the world at my back
taking each breath with a hollowed out chest
yeah I’m never going back

I don’t need you like I used to
oh I don’t need you at all
so if you want to take it back
oh if you want to take it back
yeah if you want to take it back
yeah I’m never going back

8/8/2010

what happened to baltimore?
used to be these streets were free
now I’m paying every which way
slept in cars and drove so far
in circles around this town
just to find a simpler time
when friends and family weren’t a mystery
when it was all so clearly defined
when it was yours
when it was mine
remember when baltimore was still alive?

long enough to not feel loved
close enough to forget her touch
but there’s still a voice in this head
and I want to turn this clock back
keep the age but change the times
keep the cash but change the shifts
keep the mind but change the soul
remember when we knew where to go?
these streets are a mess these weeks
lost in thought on cracked sidewalks
too many tired or strained thoughts and talks
let’s all
forget the shit that’s been said
forget the drinks we could have
throw those toxins to the wind
let’s be
something old
go back to the days
when all we needed was a reason
to walk out the front door
and we’d walk out the front door

we don’t do that anymore

8/5/2010

still swinging at walls and shelves
when I’m feeling ill
when I’m feeling well
still burning and churning and turning
at every mention of the evenings
I spent wide awake
willing to wait
but never ready enough
for the break

still sick of rain and sunshine
still sick of living outside
still hiding under covers all day and night
I wonder when I’ll be alive enough to speak
tell your friends you want to be
on your own for a couple of weeks
I bet they won’t listen
I bet they come bangin’
at your old front door
I told my friends the bear minimum
and it maximized my alone time
work all day
skate all night
sleep until I feel
all right

drive this car too far
but I’ll always make it back
no matter how long it takes me
I know how strong it’ll make me
sang a song of sickness
a pocket full of lies
I trusted someone
believed in someone
and they pushed me aside

look me in the eyes
and tell me what you want
I’ll watch that mouth run dry
cause you’re still fucking lost
searching for something you won’t get
because if you try to find it
it won’t happen
it won’t happen
you can’t force it to exist

so cleverly defined in your mind
love isn’t just a look and find
it’s a fucking struggle
and you’re not able
to say a word
to keep it close
when was the last time you went home
with an honest smile behind those eyes
there’s an emptiness
in your heart
every night

good night.
--
I’m not in the mood to step outside
but I’m in no mood tonight
for this bed of mine
let’s sit on this floor
this stained carpet needs attention
and it could keep us up all night
I’m drunk and fucking angry
and who knows who you are tonight
just another face to push aside
in the morning
I’ll make breakfast
I’ll make small talk
and then I’ll walk
until I forget
where I was and who I was with

why do I always forget
that I’m not really into this?
these sweat soaked sheets and short breaths
these awkward nights of unrest
I used to think there was release
in skin to skin and being free
and now I’m starting to see
it’s nothing but
body heat

I’m going cold.

7/30/2010

it finally occurred to me
that we’re not doing this right
been apart for up to a month
still breaking every other night
I guess it’s not the words fault
I guess it isn’t yours or mine
let’s take the blame and place it
on time

I’ll see you eventually
when I don’t see you every morning
cause when I open these eyes
you’re the first face on my mind
this shit isn’t easy
but we’ve dealt with this before and
I need to forget the weight of your lips
on my hand the first night we re-met

it’s not good bye
it’s wait it out
I’m filled with indecision
and you're so sick of living
with guilt and pity for me
I wrote too much to ever touch
on how I feel tonight
so let’s just let this lie
so let’s just let this die
I’ll see you when you’re never on my mind

good morning empty head
let’s get out of this bed
there’s other faces to find
so many ways to waste our time
good night to you my dear
I’ll see you in a year
or however long it takes
to make
you and me
not feel like we
we’ll talk when the feeling is gone

7/15/2010

I wrote a song to fit your smile
but all you do these days is stare
sit to the side and wonder where
oh where could that happy ending be

something must be eluding me
cause I just can’t see the confusion
the horizon
the skies are shinin’
and I’d be lyin’
if I said I don’t enjoy this
I live for this
disinterest and disgust
this feeling keeps me reelin’
it’s just
more fuel for the fire
so come on and take me higher
tear this heart apart my darlin’
tear me limb from limb
tear out this soul and send me home
I’ll keep sing-singin’

watch this town fall down and frown
I’ll keep dancing along the streets
watch the world light up and burn
I’ll never fall to my knees
see me in the mirror
making faces at myself
cause it’s all I got these days
well
except this life of mine
and the friends I find
and the job I work
and this feelin’ hurt
and this feelin’ free
so eager to be
astounded and ousted by you
whatever the fuck you want to do
I’ll take it all

baby I’ll be your bed sheets
I’ll be your comforter
I’ll wrap you up for slumber
and keep you warm at night

baby, I’ll be your pillow
that you beat when you can’t sleep
fluff until it’s enough
and you’re ready to drift off

baby, I’ll be those old shoes
with holes and broken soles
walk along me for days and weeks
and lose me in the sea

baby, I’ll be your bracelet
hiding your tattoos
hiding the real you
from folks afraid of the truth

baby, I’ll be your wind shield
covered in rain and debris
wiped clean twice a month
quickly filthied back up

baby, I’ll be that madness
that drives you up the walls
that keeps you up at night
that tears through to sunrise

baby, I’ll be anything
anything at all
as long as you get off your ass
and give me a fucking call
--
rosetta, don’t you see me
in the middle of the street
this song trailing off my tongue
carried to the buildings - to the sun
rosetta, what’s the story
why try to deny what could be so fine
there’s a world outside this room
and there’s a door to be walked through

rosetta, this song is so old and decayed
I felt something for you that I threw away
I forgot about feeling and affection and trust
and just... I just... I just...
rosetta, don’t let it
don’t let it all pass
through the window
through the mirror
through any surface of glass
rosetta, don’t let it
don’t let it fall through your hands
there’s something worth holding
if you give it the chance

rosetta, do you hear me
shouting to the highest peaks
there’s something that needs to be said
if you would only listen to me
rosetta, let it happen
let it happen on it’s own
and I swear before you know it
we’ll call this house our home