4/19/2011

Wedded to an empty bed
and raising angry, distant kids
wonder where their mother is
wonder who their fathers been
all they see of me these weeks
pale skin and sunken eyes
scrubbing floors and repainting rooms
replacing every trace of you

here for a weekend and gone for a month
business as usual has eaten you up
we stopped buying toiletries
overstocked on complimentary
coffee cups, shampoo, slippers, robes
single blade razors
nail clippers
bars of soap

I’m been tallying finances and collecting loose change
a little something here and there
to feel more secure or safe
working and cooking and sleeping
for what it’s worth
but nothing
not a damn thing I try
seems to work

sitting on bar stools stealing smiles from old flames
people calling me out
always saying I’ve changed
my left hand is weighted
this ring turned to a chain
and I’m begging to hide it
not explain it
away

still sitting on the porch with a bouquet at my feet
still smiling like a child when you step out the taxi
still eager to speak before you fall asleep
though different time zones are getting to me
still buying you drinks when you’re here for the week
still joking that maybe this time you won’t leave
still telling you that, yes, I am still happy
though different time zones are eating through me

counting a marriage by miles
most couples tally their years
how long is too long?
how far is too far?
and do you
oh do you
wish you were here?

4/12/2011

Wake up with a throat full of blood
spit dissent in an attempt to get it up
choking close to the window
head goes straight through
i’m losing my cool

I need to breathe something different for once
this air is aching in my chest
and why do I hold out for this?
These mornings aren’t worth waking
these nights aren’t worth taking
head on and still strong
I want to be weak
snap this spine
and I’ll be fine
I’ll have an excuse
for feeling abused

method acting gets me nothing but a face
I’m eating evenings to swallow my disgrace
no safety in self assurance
no certainty in speaking my own mind
collect contusions on the front of my skull
from beating my own thoughts against the wall

these nights this town
these faces around
I’m feeling old
done with everyone I know
even more so with those I don’t
I’m too tired to move
and too tired of you
too damn awake to take anything in stride
I’m breaking through this state line
and rearranging my life

I’m fucking out.

4/6/2011

I’ve been to too many bars
and had too little to drink
it’s the same tastes of the same swill
mundane and I feel a little ill
relishing every step to the car
the fresh air
the cool breaths
the steam from my lips
as the cold sets back in
these days are bright and warm
and the night falls below
comfort levels
I’ve been eating evils
in an attempt to not feel blessed
filling late nights with parking lots
wheels on concrete or feet always taking me
away from the audience
the crowd and the silence
that keeps these lips straight and tight
eyes to the door and I’m holding my breath
offered a drink and I shook my head
I waved my hand
graciously admitted that
I’m just not feeling it
this bar crawl back water living
barely working and hardly giving
two shits about much of anything
always drunk but never drinking
this mind is forever in a haze
staggering throughout these days
eager to lay
to curl up next to another
or fall face flat in the gutter
whichever feels better
when these cold nights weigh this life
when I’m just not feelin’ right.

3/9/2011

ran out of words. Lust for language has left me dry. Used to write like a wizard. Taking words and holding down each line. Wonder when rhyme scheme defined me. When I spoke in verse instead of words. Nothing seems to be complete. Unless the last syllables agree. Poured these words from glasses. Bought drinks when I didn’t want drinks at all. Just needed a reason for being so bitter. Sour drinks on an already embittered tongue. Spitting this vision of a disease ridden world. Blaming my disgust on everyone but myself. Here’s a lesson I was bound to learn in time. Wrote for too long and I used up my mind. Bound to burn out bone dry. Sought a sentence worth the mention. A collection of bombastic letters and lessons. Filling walls with words because paper can only hold so much. Decorate these rooms with misuse. Bad evenings I’m leaving in files and on pages. Who wants to document the good times. Collecting dejection and hating this essence. This soundness of mind that I just can’t define. I can’t find. I can’t seem to see anything. Salt in my mouth because the language dried out. Salt in my mouth because the language dried out. I won’t talk. I won’t ever be heard. No use in discussing the words no one ever learned. No use in sharing this disinterested mind. So ask how I am? I am fine. I am fine I am fine I am fine.

3/2/2011

Age is finally getting to me
my chest is sore from lack of sleep
or maybe from the visceral need
to find somewhere else to be
or my heart is bursting this skin
fractured sternum
and I’m having trouble breathing
my arms and my legs will whither and wait
for a day when they can get back their strength
my mind will reside in my stomach’s pit
and I’ll do my darnedest to get
a semblance of my self
an understanding of who am I and where I’ve been
and why I was there and am still here
what’s coming and going
what’s flowing upstream
which mornings are worth mentioning
and which are worth nothing
these nights these nights
these nights on the road
it’s the only place
I have left to go
taking the detour
I’m not lost anymore
I’m just bending each turn ‘til I recognize the signs
street names are old friends and this time
I’m not happy to see them
I wish that these evenings
didn’t feel the same
age is attacking me
and dammit
I could use a change.

12/30/2010

Touch the tip
of this index
finger
and stagger down to the palm
let these arms be dragged across
the walls
then let them fall
cause the strength isn’t in these wrists
I’m just not feeling it tonight
I’ve tried
damn near died
to hold you
but I just might
tonight
not want the touch
I don’t want to talk
I want to walk
until I can’t recall
what pushed me to the evening streets
and why I stare at the sky
utterly disgusted
with every body
that passes me
by
--
where’s the logic in longing
the desire to retire to bed

where are you in the evening
when I need to see your face
at the break of day

there’s never anything other than
this shallow skin I dress in
filling these sheets
with the stagnant air I breathe

shallow
fucking hollow
and ill at ease
yeah that’s me
shallow
fucking hollow
and ill at ease.

12/23/2010

I’ll take you through all the dark parts of this town
and see what the sun gives up
when it gives us
something new to look at
where have you been
since you forgot about friends
where did your heart go
when you were afraid to go home
I’m singing to the seasons
and I’m walking past the streets
searching for security
in oceans and trees
wading into waters that are too dirty to drink
I think
I’m trying to replace the space
that was occupied by your perfect face
in my mind
there’s a gap
a deep synapse
that I just can’t seem to fill
and it kills
knowing you’re not here for me
or with me
whichever one hurts worse