7/5/2010

sometimes
you wake up on the side of the road
in a town you can’t say you know
thought these streets were home
but sometimes
these sidewalks are so cold
sometimes
this sun beats down so hard
and sometimes
there’s an ache in your heart
sometimes
there’s an ache in your heart

you take what you can and stress over things
that never seemed important until
you knew they were leaving
the evenings
are worth waiting through to find
there’s still one more sunrise
if you wait out the whole night
there’s still that one sunrise
to push through if you feel it
if you feel it falling apart
if you feel like that heart
is fallin’ apart

sometimes
you wake up on the passenger side
and wonder how long you slept
sometimes
you wake up with her by your side
and wonder where the hell she’s been
sometimes
you wake up alone and find
you’re not surprised
sometimes
that feelings sinks in
that feeling of waking
for nothing
--
I’ve got silence on tap
and a song in my throat
let’s see which one
is drowned out

6/17/2010

drove myself home last night
well before first mornings light
because this town and people around
build me up and beat me down
nothing seems to fit these feet
these ankles creek and these heels bleed
walking until I just can’t see
why I left my home and street

I wrote a song to sing to you
to put to words what I have learned
from crawling around these city sidewalks
to clawing these walls and hiding heated talks
drunk enough to not give a fuck
but I’ll be sober up soon enough
and the fucks will creep back up
I want to be someone I can trust

no more keys and cars and stars
ignitions and evenings of driving too far
burning my gas because I hate my past
nothing gets solved from not looking back
taking these feet to this shitty concrete
I’ll walk until these weak words seem complete
I’ll empty my savings and make my own way
everyday is just another day

stuck in this city this county this hole
this wicked existence that I call my home
these wide awake mornings and tired twilights
these extensive evenings and wild midnights
stuck in this feeling of being fucking stuck
when there’s so many means to leave
stuck in this feeling of wanting so much
when I already have what I need

I’m fuckin’ stuck.

5/9/2010

this this is this is this feels
this feels like two years before
staring at sunsets and back doors
remembering what I felt lonely for
used to beat my head against the wall
broke my thumb when I took the fall
fell for you so hard
climbed out so damn fast
forgot what it felt like
when it felt like something could last

kissed your kissed your kissed your hand
kissed your neck
felt your skin
felt something more hiding in
the words we spilt on rain soaked streets
the rendezvous we didn’t keep
because we chose to get back in touch
and touch was more than just
an excuse to make a move
while being something old
it felt like something new
could I borrow more time from you?
it doesn’t turn me blue

sometimes these eyes shine a bright light green
sometimes there’s a red tint to everything
and sometimes your sunglasses match
the eyes I’m looking with
I couldn’t look at you in a better light
I might
be feeling something old
maybe something new
could I borrow more time from you?
it doesn’t turn me blue

5/5/2010

sit in the sea
buried up to my knees
with a mouth wide and loud
collecting salt and debris
sit in the sea
watch it turn from blue to green
to black
let it sink into my skin
I want to feel it
I want to know how it feels
--
I’ll paste your face around this town
to remind me why I stick around
on the off chance that you’ll come down
and waste more days with me

I’ll hold these feet on this concrete
I won’t hit the road
I won’t drive or flee
I’ll take this town and tear it down
build a home where we can be
what’s the word?

I’ll capture every second glance
as you walk across the street to leave
the wave of those hips
the flick of those wrists
I’ll grit my teeth and click the shutter
and shudder
as I crawl back to bed
and crawl
as I go about these days
awaiting the day
you come back to me
or ask me to come back to thee

I’ll hit this road until I don’t know
what pushed me to drive so slow
to take in every sight line
to marvel at every sunrise
to spend my time
finding time
to spend with someone else
it’ll be the most natural feeling
I’ve ever felt

scheduling my life around someone else's life
scheduling their life around mine
until we find
our lives
is our life
--
too many hours and too many miles
too many times that have been pushed aside
in hopes of being filled
but they always turn out spilled
cover this canvas in wasted minutes
seconds that were better left uncounted
pile up these weeks and months
archive these lives and find
spending too many nights on the road
spending too many weeks under sheets
spending too much of our money on gas
only to wrap ourselves up and pass
out
these nights and days
these weeks we wait
to end
these nights and days
these weekends we wait
to begin
these nights these nights
always on the road
whether headed to you
or headed back home
I find this mind of mine can’t hold
these eyes of mine opened or closed
half wide/half shut
I’m trying to give up
the struggle to see straight ahead
I’ll get some shut eye
with or without you
in bed.
--
I give up to sleep
wrapping its arms around me
kissing me on the cheek
and singing a lullaby.
goodnight.

4/28/2010

can this be something we do?
lay in bed until half past two
once the summer is too hot to bear
wait for the winter
to throw us some cold air
then hide inside all the time
taking comfort in the warmth of wrapped arms
covered heads and methodic chests
breathe in and out and out and in
can this be something we do?
wait for the days to pass themselves
let the seasons seem like less
of a hindrance on our moods
more a reason to get up and move
take these wheels to somewhere new
somewhere hot or frozen through
whichever we’re feeling better
whichever looks better
whichever
can this be something we do?

4/23/2010

I’m tired of lack of trust
this feeling in my heart
it’s just
it’s just too much
or not enough
I don’t know the proper way to say
how to measure
scale out and proportion
this version of myself isn’t well
it’s not ill but it isn’t sitting straight
tilting and hunched over
I know
once upon a colder time
when the wind stung my lips
and my eyes were watering
when my cheeks were taught and my jaw was clenched
when my hair was long and my skin was thin
when I crossed a campus well before the sun
when I left the feeling of feeling alone
reveled in the morning
no mourning solitude
I was proud of myself
I used to
be proud of myself.
--
tired all the time
I’m tired of this mind
focused on the colder winds
or the sunburn over the shining
nothing seems to fit on me
I hold this soul at arms length
nothing seems to be touching me
unless you’re within reach
I swallowed and I followed
pretending I was fine
I hunted and I wanted
pretending I was fine
I remember feeling better
I remember being fine
before this winter led to this spring
and I felt a fucking feeling
I’m still reeling
and I can’t seem to catch myself
I’ll trip and slip and rush through this
life that lies ahead
find a city that can cradle me
not fill me with disease
and fucking dread

4/22/2010

standing with my feet
stuffed soundly past my teeth
pushing ever further
until my throat meets my knees
holding on to words you’ve heard
but have you really heard a word?
I’ve written these lines so many times
I’ve tried to define what’s on my mind
I’ve looked you in your shiftless eyes
delving shoveling in to find
the proper way to say
please listen to me
you deserve
you have earned
you’ve fought and wrought and your skin is taught
you’ve toiled and tilled
damn near fucking killed
yourself
for somebody else
cut them off
it cannot be helped
--
too much grey to see my face
reflected in the mirror view
driving away
driving away
from you
another night spent on someone else’s time
cradling and abating someone else’s mind
putting fists through words that I shouldn’t say
as they drift through the cold
to your sullen face
I’m tired of looking at those bright wide eyes
and seeing a dim flickering light
there should be a flame burning straight through me
not a cold sinking into your soul

what I want to say to you
what I want to do for you
however I can try to prove
something that can’t be said
put your hand
in my hand
and rest that weighted head
you don’t
deserve
this hurt
this pain
this dread.
--
I lied when I lied in your arms last night
and said I’d be fine as I drove 695
to this bed that I just
can’t feel comfortable in
unless I duck under the covers
and nestle up to your skin
there’s a wicked sort of feeling
when I’m driving through the gray
I can’t see the street in front of me
just all my past mistakes
and I wallow in this feeling
of feeling like I don’t belong
on the path that’s set ahead of me
see these one way streets seem wrong
can I wake and relay
how it feels to finally say
there’s a feeling in my chest
I’ve never felt before today
it’s a burning and a churning
and it leaves me fucking cold
to the world that spins around
whenever you are not around

is this love or is it strain
am I falling or in pain
who can tell me how it feels
to be feeling something real
is this heartache an attack
I keep checking over my back
hoping that I’ll find you
but knowing I’m not going to

can I keep you?