5/5/2011

Stepping from the porch
‘cross the lawn
to the street
there’s an evening that’s leaving
some unevenness in me
wander these roads knowing when I head home
it’s the very last place I want to go
take these keys and drive this car
as far from myself as can be
make this town a past tense
and this night a memory
or something less
so when I rest
I’m not tossing and turning this room
trying to find traces of you
some lingering scent on my jacket
or some words you didn’t know how to say
forever suppressing expression
driving any emotion away
I’d rather sleep on these streets
behind the wheel in the summer heat
than attempt to remember a face
too afraid to lay
and be at peace
too afraid to feel
anything

4/28/2011

I believe in crushed teeth
fire wide eyes and uneven breaths
running until feet are too sore to shift
and these ankles are aching for change
rage under pain under insane claims
and distrust of every face in the room
hiding this mind from these eyes I once knew
I knew nothing and now I am through
sick of convincing myself to trust
I’d rather be driven by degradation and lust
than living this moral, righteous life
standing above and beyond those I once
felt some connection to
age is attacking my sense of distress
my ability to lash out and destroy
I’d rather sit silent than let violence consume
control my any and every move
fists turn to forgiveness
open palmed because I wish that
there was more to express than the rage in my chest
the awful confrontation of silence and seething
these teeth need to stop being clenched
whether they melt out my mouth or disappear in my head
I need to speak easy again
no longer grating my words as they pass
through these devilishly tight pearly whites
no longer focusing fire from my eyes
I’ll see this life without such bright lights
existing through the night time
soothing this sordid mind
I decline
I refuse to admit my abuse
I will bear this
without falter or complaint
maybe I’ll murder my mind given time
or maybe I’ll turn up a saint
let’s see where this goes.

4/21/2011

a mess of distress and raw flesh
rubbing off skin
to see what lies beneath
gnawing at nails until cuticles crack
burrow tooth down to bone and see where it goes
deep breath
devour that epidermis
revealing what you’ve kept under covers
under clothes
under excuses and complaints
enough to keep your life on display
but not enough to ever be touched
walking on glass around the bedroom
hiding under bar stools and bad moods
something is sitting ill at ease
something is off and needs to be
freed
torn wide open to cover these walls
put up for show so the world finally knows
there’s not a damn thing beneath this heap
this mass of flesh and bone
nothing inside
did away with your life
from fear of being too well liked
--
always forgetting the strain
the eye-bulging, impulse-following pain
heart beating too many milliseconds to record
wondering what I do anything anymore for
beating fists and foreheads against walls
‘til they fall
and I’m bloody-knuckled and unconscious to boot
running these legs until the muscles are slack
unable to lift these feet
flat on this back
fighting the urge to break every window I see
throwing chairs at front doors
when I feel the drive to leave
taking cars up curbs and through store fronts
just to see
what would it do to me?
eager to be displeased
breed this insanity in me
eager to lash out and destroy
oh I am a sad, sad boy