4/19/2011

Wedded to an empty bed
and raising angry, distant kids
wonder where their mother is
wonder who their fathers been
all they see of me these weeks
pale skin and sunken eyes
scrubbing floors and repainting rooms
replacing every trace of you

here for a weekend and gone for a month
business as usual has eaten you up
we stopped buying toiletries
overstocked on complimentary
coffee cups, shampoo, slippers, robes
single blade razors
nail clippers
bars of soap

I’m been tallying finances and collecting loose change
a little something here and there
to feel more secure or safe
working and cooking and sleeping
for what it’s worth
but nothing
not a damn thing I try
seems to work

sitting on bar stools stealing smiles from old flames
people calling me out
always saying I’ve changed
my left hand is weighted
this ring turned to a chain
and I’m begging to hide it
not explain it
away

still sitting on the porch with a bouquet at my feet
still smiling like a child when you step out the taxi
still eager to speak before you fall asleep
though different time zones are getting to me
still buying you drinks when you’re here for the week
still joking that maybe this time you won’t leave
still telling you that, yes, I am still happy
though different time zones are eating through me

counting a marriage by miles
most couples tally their years
how long is too long?
how far is too far?
and do you
oh do you
wish you were here?

4/12/2011

Wake up with a throat full of blood
spit dissent in an attempt to get it up
choking close to the window
head goes straight through
i’m losing my cool

I need to breathe something different for once
this air is aching in my chest
and why do I hold out for this?
These mornings aren’t worth waking
these nights aren’t worth taking
head on and still strong
I want to be weak
snap this spine
and I’ll be fine
I’ll have an excuse
for feeling abused

method acting gets me nothing but a face
I’m eating evenings to swallow my disgrace
no safety in self assurance
no certainty in speaking my own mind
collect contusions on the front of my skull
from beating my own thoughts against the wall

these nights this town
these faces around
I’m feeling old
done with everyone I know
even more so with those I don’t
I’m too tired to move
and too tired of you
too damn awake to take anything in stride
I’m breaking through this state line
and rearranging my life

I’m fucking out.

4/6/2011

I’ve been to too many bars
and had too little to drink
it’s the same tastes of the same swill
mundane and I feel a little ill
relishing every step to the car
the fresh air
the cool breaths
the steam from my lips
as the cold sets back in
these days are bright and warm
and the night falls below
comfort levels
I’ve been eating evils
in an attempt to not feel blessed
filling late nights with parking lots
wheels on concrete or feet always taking me
away from the audience
the crowd and the silence
that keeps these lips straight and tight
eyes to the door and I’m holding my breath
offered a drink and I shook my head
I waved my hand
graciously admitted that
I’m just not feeling it
this bar crawl back water living
barely working and hardly giving
two shits about much of anything
always drunk but never drinking
this mind is forever in a haze
staggering throughout these days
eager to lay
to curl up next to another
or fall face flat in the gutter
whichever feels better
when these cold nights weigh this life
when I’m just not feelin’ right.