2/27/2010

last night I was told what I can and can’t feel
divining from my mind what’s real or not real
I sat in a room with a clear view of you
turning those eyes to anyone who
could keep you from turning to
me

sitting without limbs to hold onto
just a torso at a bar with a drink
no eyes to hide because the skull was gone
no mouth to shut off or tongue to bite on
no fingers to point or legs for escape
I was caught and I couldn’t do a goddamn thing

last night I was told what I can and can’t feel
I choose to feel nothing until it feels real
I’ll sit silent and livid until the fire is dead
I sit and keep drinking until this weight leaves my head
I’ll float through these rooms and ignore what feels true
and anything false, I’ll embrace and misuse

last night last night
in the back of my mind
sitting and singing until I could find
a time when this life was irrevocably mine
and I wasn’t living on someone else’ time
last night last night last night last night
I’ll feel however the hell I like

2/20/2010

there’s a face that’s on my mind
no angry eyes this time
no sickened grin to hide from
not a damn thing wrong with this one

you and I
let’s drive to the beach
when the weeks get too stretched
when the nights feel like shit
let’s escape from it
take these wheels to the interstate
cover the distance and try to relay
what’s feeling good
and maybe find
nothing feels wrong
for once in this life

I’ve got cash on hand and a smile to boot
times or tough but something new
makes the world less weighted
I’m not sitting and debating
I’m just saying
stay around for awhile
for now
and see
--
sing a song of longing
for a time when life was fine
just fine
not tearing the roof off the motherfucker
not beating us down like no other
let’s sit and bitch about everyone else
sit and get it off our chests
wonder under the weight of friends
fairweather and distant and put to rest
let’s get it all out of our systems
bask in the glow of letting go
sleep at ease
me next to you - you next to me
wake up bright in the morning
ready and reeling
to fight for this feeling
this feeling I’m not letting go

2/18/2010

waking up with a heart that departs
stops every time I try to talk
walks out the room the second you walk in
because it’s easier to be feeling nothing
sitting on the ground pouring whatever’s in me
out
sitting and spitting lines into the sand
hoping the ocean erases them
take a second to breathe
and wonder about a week
so distant it may not have happened
find the resolve
to stand and walk
head to the ocean
head first and frozen
and cross to the other side
find myself a new life
in a country where there’s nothing for me
in a place so far from what I know
in a room with a view of a mountain or two
in the back of my mind where I built this new life
maybe I’ll be free of you
and you and you and you too
one day I’ll see my face
in the cracking surface of a frozen lake
with no ghosts by my side
just my eyes meeting my eyes
hard blue
and free of you
--
what do you know
what have you been through
what do you know
what can you do

this sense this feeling on my fucking chest
hands on the wall as I’m breathing in
forehead inching closer
because I'm losing the will to wait
and I’m losing the strength
to carry the weight
of every little thought I think
fist to the wall
and I’m not feeling anything
I’m standing here silent with a violent tongue
holding back the words I so desperately want
to scream at the top of my lungs

if you’re going to take me
take me whole
quit whittling me away every time I’m alone
don’t set me in the wild
with nothing but my brains
to keep this mind from trailing off
to fucking keep me sane
crawling along the surface
desperate to get to my feet
but something
fucking everything
is getting down on me

how do you fight off that feeling of loss
when the thing that you’re losing isn’t even gone
slowly but surely leaving you behind
how do you accept the dehiscence of a life
how do you fucking do it
how do you say goodbye
how do you fucking do it
how do you say goodbye