11/4/2011

I needed you
not like I thought I did
holding on to someone who wouldn’t give
anything
because love was never on your mind
I needed you
to ruin my life
because it wasn’t right
I wasn’t doing anything right

walking the same streets
taking the same roads
never feeling at home
I needed the means to leave
I needed to be
completely
dissatisfied with myself and my state
I needed the drive to drive myself away
you gave that to me

I don’t want to run into you
when I’m wandering through this town
I’ll stick to my side of the road
and I won’t cross if I know
you could be on the other side
why confront what I don’t want?
moved on and grew up
I’m not saying I don’t give a fuck
but the fuck that I give
just isn’t enough
to call and catch up
don’t call to catch up
don’t call to catch up
don’t call to catch up
it’s not enough

I’ll miss this city
but I won’t miss you
I’ll miss this city
but I won’t miss you
I won’t miss you.

10/18/2011

conflicting visions and closing walls
if this floor could talk
it would tell you to
get the fuck off
a mess of skin and sin
a room of misuse
too many faces to register
and I hate you
I hate you.

lost in late night crawls
spitting game for the sake of spitting game
you know you won’t gain
anything
this city is a sentencing
you’re doomed to go it alone
one night to forget your life
and tomorrow it’s back to the grind.

in search of the stairs
I want the fuck out of here
this room is diseased
and I just want to leave
caught in the current
of rhythm and intent
the deep heaving breaths
this life looks like death
and I don’t want it
I want nothing to do
with this fucking room
and I want nothing to do
with any of you.

9/27/2011

awake, standing outside
confused by the view
content to pretend
I mean something to you
well past 1:00 am
but I’m too awake to sedate
to lie down and ignore
the absence of your skin
to crawl to my room
and pretend I’m amused
by the depravity that keeps me at odds with myself
the mess of distress that I bury with wealth
with hours of labor and a cozey paycheck
this dangerous livelihood has me content
I’m nowhere near ecstatic
but I never really expected
anything other than a dull day to day
with a change time and again
but I
I haven’t strayed
following the same roads
carried by the same flow
pulled by an undertow
adrift in my cold home
I think I’ll go
further away every day
until I can say
this
this right here
this is where I should be.
--
I see your naked body again
remembered slightly blurred
because oh how the drinks work
I see your naked body curled
in bed with someone else
and I can tell
it’s better without your scent
the graze of your skin and your breath
but something inside me relents
something inside me regrets
I get
this feeling of distress
and I miss
your scent and your skin and your breath

though I know too well
you’re better left to the wolves
and it’s hell
feeling the way that I should

content to contend with the life I lead
battling day times while night time puts me
at odds with my own self reliance
eager to confide in another
be it stranger, lover, brother
best friend or long lost bed fellow
I need somewhere new to go
these streets are overloaded with memories
and all I ever seem to see
are the eyes that closed when they met mine
before drifting off to sleep

I’d bury my face in your chest once more
if it meant I could catch my breath
disinterest is filling these lungs
and I want
to let it out
proud and loud
the dissatisfaction I’m feeling
I’m reeling
I’m losing myself in myself

I used to know me so well.